Traditions Revisited

'Christmas Background Design', Stock image, freedigitalphotos.net

Somehow, this is the year.  After almost 20 years removed from a totally different life that was never of my choosing and 10 years away from the very last vestiges of said 'other' life, I am finally ready to come full circle in accepting some good things that do exist from that life.

But isn't that the thing?  Always learning that nothing and no one are all good or all bad....

I'm still working on that.

This Christmas time it has all manifested in a feeling of acceptance that is washing over me.  A feeling that I will pass along some of what I am to my loved ones and that those parts of me that came from those I was influenced by, in one way or another, will make something worthwhile to share.

In my effort to embrace this idea that I can glean the good out and keep those things, I have found such peace.  It is a gift of great proportions.

Although so many of my childhood friends and their families are pretty much either incarcerated, dead or lost in some other way, I have figured out that I carry so much of what is good and wonderful and true about them.  And I can use my super sharp memory to pick and choose the great parts and keep them, close to my heart.

This year I am revisiting old recipes, Christmas memories, silly fun times, loyalty known only to those who share a certain kind of life; really just the simple things that are true of all human beings no matter what the situation.  It's like a sweet secret in my heart that allows me to bridge some of the old life with the new that is so absolutely different.  It's fun to know that the good stuff can always remain, no matter what.  And people are people- and there's good in them.  Always.



stock images of cookies, found at: freedigitalphotos.net

I wish a true peace this Christmas season, for anyone who shares my life now and to those who have influenced who I am and will be.

The Family That Bowls Together...

My husband and I are fairly involved in the local bowling scene.  My husband is a really good amateur bowler that shows up occasionally to tournaments when he is not studying like mad for an actuarial exam and I am just your average female bowler.  We have a good time and sometimes my husband is lucky enough to cover his costs or even a little bit more.

'Bowling strike showing winning skittles game' by Stuart Miles, found at freedigitalphotos.net

Over time, we have noticed one particular family that always seems to do really well at these tournaments.  Pretty much if you see their last name on the list of competitors you can bet that they will end up at or near the top of the roster.  And that's not the only interesting thing about these people.

This family is one rowdy bunch.  And I'm not talking just the fun and gregarious thing. 
I mean these people are prone to a bit of legal troubles, if you know what I mean.  So they have quite a reputation for being rough around the edges.

But here's the main thing I have noticed about this big, rough, rowdy, bowling family.  They are in this together.  They help each other out.  My husband and I always marvel at how effectively they coach each other and how when it comes to bowling there is no argument among them at all.  It is clear that they are there to benefit one another and to raise up the entire group.  It's really something to see.  There's just something really cool about people who clearly have some serious differences among themselves being able to drop all that and work together so well.

Have you ever been truly surprised by another side of someone that you didn't see on first observation?  Was it a good thing, or a bad thing?  Do you think everyone has something about them that you wouldn't expect?

So I'm An Insomniac Now

(It is often so hard to write things without giving the wrong idea.  My written 'voice' is sometimes a bit sadder than I mean it to be.  Hopefully, today I can express myself without anybody thinking I am all depressed or something!)

"Ladder Leading Up To The Sky" by Sira Anamwong found at: freedigitalphotos.net

So, why is it that we are so good at seeing something so much better from the outside than we are at looking at our own stuff?!

For the past 10 days or so I have been sleeping only about 3-4 hours a night.  This is absolutely not normal for me.  Yes, I may be a true night owl.  I have honestly been that way my whole life.  And yes, I am blessed with natural energy and don't require a whole bunch of sleep.  But even for me, this is getting ridiculous. 

Then suddenly, yesterday, while at a friends birthday party, I realized just what the heck is going on. 

It is November.  This is the time of year that, like so many others out there, I struggle a bit with family relations and memories of not so cheerful holiday experiences.  So for the past 10 years I have been dealing with nightmares every November.  Sometimes just a couple of them.  Sometimes a relentless amount that leave me feeling very emotionally drained.

Apparently, this time I seem to have come up with my very own cure.  I guess that somewhere in my subconscious I have decided that if I don't sleep then I can't have nightmares.  Now, while I have to say that so far this November my 'cure' is working I can't say that the side effects are worth it!

Tell me, have you ever been plagued by nightmares?  Were you able to get rid of them?  Did you do anything, consciously or otherwise, to try to avoid them?

Maybe

Art by Stuart Miles, found at freedigitalphotos.net

When I was a kid, 'maybe' always meant no.  No matter what.
'Maybe' was said in the presence of others for the purpose of keeping up a charade.
'Maybe' was nothing more than a negative disguised as openness, so outsiders wouldn't suspect how rigid things really were.
'Maybe' was reserved for those few moments when I forgot the rules, slipped up and made a request in public.  'Maybe' was code for "don't make that mistake again."

It's funny how even after we learn that the rest of the world is not the same as what we may have experienced growing up, the effects of the ingrained lessons of our family will often linger on- even if we don't mean for them to.  Sometimes it catches us by surprise just when we feel how strong we are and just when there's really no reason to fall back into old habits.

Right now I am awaiting the final answer to a fairly big 'maybe'.  And I'm reminding myself that an answer of yes or no is just that.  An answer.  A fair answer that doesn't mean anything other than that. 

Life is full of questions and answers and sitting with a 'maybe' is not necessarily a bad thing.

Maybe that's what life is... a wink of the eye and winking stars.
-Jack Kerouac