What If Wednesday: What If You Grew To Be A Giant?

Hey all- it's 'What If Wednesday'!  And today's installment is being done all in fun.  I've had a rough week so far and I'm ready to take a little detour into the realm of silly.

My inspiration for today's post comes from two sources.  First I had to laugh when I saw this:

Somehow nobody looks really comfortable here!

 But it used to work so well!

 

 

 They finally worked it out!

And the second part of my inspiration goes to the dear young man that I was a nanny for, for 9 years.  Luke was always a tall boy.  He knew that there were genes in his family for becoming a VERY tall person.  Some of Luke's male relatives are over 7 feet tall!  I remember him doing everything he could to try to stop his rapid growth.  He would drink coffee from a young age and was always willing to try anything else that would supposedly stunt his growth.  Luke is 21 now and hasn't grown much in the last year.  He is 6 foot 7.  At this height, Luke claims that if he doesn't grown any taller then he will have succeeded in saving himself from becoming 'freakishly tall'.  I'm guessing that from my own 5'4" viewpoint on the world Luke may think of me as simply puny.  And although being short can sometimes be inconvenient, I don't think of it as so tough as being so darn tall that you tower over most other humans.  Still, I am confident that Luke will grow psychologically to accept his own tall statured life as just fine, even if he grows some more.

I can imagine that becoming larger or taller than most people is very difficult, even just for everyday things like driving or walking around inside your own house.  Of course there is an upside.  I know I sure would appreciate some extra height when it comes to trimming my trees and being able to get up onto the roof.  I also like the idea of being able to get away with eating a bit more of my favorite things!

How about you?  Do you see the prospect of becoming a giant as something good or bad?  Would you miss doing some of your favorite things (like my little dog that isn't quite as little as he used to be)?  Or would you embrace the cool stuff that you could do that nobody else can?

My Right Wing Views On 'Life'

Yes, I'm going to talk about this today.  (And no, Andrew Cuomo, I don't think of myself as an extremist who doesn't have a place in New York state- but really that's fine.  I'll be sure not to spend one dime in New York, even though it's the easiest place to meet with my husbands family and friends, until you are gone from office.  Just sayin')
Today is the March For Life in Washington D.C.  Many people will feel squeamish about this and probably not read this post.  That's OK.  In America we have the right to ignore other peoples viewpoints if we want to and pretend that certain things are just about what we might prefer in life and not really all that important.  Today, even though I will not actually be marching on Washington, I am choosing to share my story, for the very first time ever in any form and to anyone, on where and why I got my views on the right to life movement.   It just feels right today.
As a precocious kid, I noticed that there were oftentimes mentions of someone having to go take care of a 'problem' and my own mother had mentioned to me on several occasions of anger that she should have let that doctor 'get rid of me' when she had the chance.  Nobody ever actually uttered the word: abortion.  I have to say that the full extent of what was really going on and how it was actually a choice to end the life of their own unborn child had escaped me- probably because I was in denial and I kind of thought/hoped this all had something to do with miscarriage.
That all changed on the day that I found a goldenrod copy of my mothers own paperwork for her procedure.  I was ten and a college level reader with a 100% tested accuracy of my reading comprehension.  That paperwork settled a horror in my soul that has never left me.  I realized in that moment that the conversation we had so casually shared a week or so ago had truly been about this.  This decision that she had made and had actually had me be complacent in, by asking me if I thought it would be a good idea for her to bring another brother or sister home to live with us.
Now, if you're new to this blog you might not remember that at this time I was in the full throes of raising my sister.  I had been doing this for the last 2 and 1/2 years, since I was 8, while my mother was busy smoking dope in the bathroom for 50% of her life and then spending the other half roaming the mall looking for some retail therapy.  So yeah, you could say that my reaction was not one of support for a new baby.  I was so overwhelmed with making sure my toddler sister was fed and clothed before I left for school and hoping that she wasn't into too much trouble while mother got high all day, before I could make it back home.  I bitterly told my mother it would be crazy for her to have any more kids.
I stared at that copy from the doctors office and put two and two together; knowing just why my stepfather had finally acquiesced to getting 'fixed' and laid there on the sofa with a bag of frozen peas on his crotch while my mother slept the day away in the bedroom.  I literally threw up.
I had helped to make the decision to kill my brother.  I have always felt deeply that this unborn child would have been a brother.  I know my mother would have named him David.  The hole that was created in my heart that day will probably never be filled.  Until now, I have never uttered one word to another soul about this.
Years later, as a teenager, I witnessed my aunt who is only 2 years older than me making an absolute disaster of her life.  She was 19, already had one child and was pregnant again.  She had no job prospects, no man in her life and nothing at all going for her.  I felt for her and understood that she could not care for kids in any meaningful way and wished that she would adopt her children out to a family who could care for them.  She decided to have an abortion.  I was terrified and saddened for the child, but I never said anything.  Instead, I prayed for a miracle.
That miracle came!  It came in the form of a flat tire on the way to the clinic.  I couldn't believe it.  God had listened to me, even though I had been manipulated into being a part of 'deciding' that my own brother should die.  My aunts baby did not die.  I wish I could say that everything had been on the up and up after that, but that's simply not true.  My aunt ended up losing custody of both of her children and they did have rough lives.  Still they are living.  And that's something!
Later, during the time that I worked in a daycare center, I met a woman who had a very young daughter and was pregnant with her second child.  During this time she was diagnosed with a rare cancer.  Her doctor told her she would need to terminate her pregnancy to save herself.  This woman decided that she would not do that, even if it meant that she might die.  Others were not shy in sharing their view that she was selfish to put herself at risk when she already had a young child.  I once sat down with her and told her how much I admired her.  She said that it meant a lot to know that some people understood her.  In the end, the cancer fight was much more difficult because it was not started until after the birth of the baby, but it was successful!  This woman lived and so did her two happy and healthy children.
Finally, I will share my recent experience of a neighbor that I have gotten to know quite well.  She is homebound with anxiety issues and shocked me when she talked about having had several abortions as a young teenager, when I had only just met her.  I have come to realize that she is very haunted by this and even though she has two lovely daughters and a husband, her life is irreparably touched by this past experience.  I can't imagine what it's like to be her.  I treat her with kindness and don't tell her specifically what my beliefs on the subject are.  I don't think it would help her any.

The point to sharing all of this today is to say that I truly believe that we as human beings are better than 'choosing' to end the lives of our unborn children.  There are other ways to deal with unexpected/unwanted children.  And even though it may seem easier and quicker at the time or even somehow be seen as a women's rights issue, I can't imagine that the world is a better place for ever having gone down this path.  I also want to say that when people like me choose to share our pro-life beliefs we are not crazy extremists who are purporting a war on women.  We are people who have put a lot of thought and experience and intelligence into deciding to say that we believe in the value of all innocent human life.

So I'm An Insomniac Now

(It is often so hard to write things without giving the wrong idea.  My written 'voice' is sometimes a bit sadder than I mean it to be.  Hopefully, today I can express myself without anybody thinking I am all depressed or something!)

"Ladder Leading Up To The Sky" by Sira Anamwong found at: freedigitalphotos.net

So, why is it that we are so good at seeing something so much better from the outside than we are at looking at our own stuff?!

For the past 10 days or so I have been sleeping only about 3-4 hours a night.  This is absolutely not normal for me.  Yes, I may be a true night owl.  I have honestly been that way my whole life.  And yes, I am blessed with natural energy and don't require a whole bunch of sleep.  But even for me, this is getting ridiculous. 

Then suddenly, yesterday, while at a friends birthday party, I realized just what the heck is going on. 

It is November.  This is the time of year that, like so many others out there, I struggle a bit with family relations and memories of not so cheerful holiday experiences.  So for the past 10 years I have been dealing with nightmares every November.  Sometimes just a couple of them.  Sometimes a relentless amount that leave me feeling very emotionally drained.

Apparently, this time I seem to have come up with my very own cure.  I guess that somewhere in my subconscious I have decided that if I don't sleep then I can't have nightmares.  Now, while I have to say that so far this November my 'cure' is working I can't say that the side effects are worth it!

Tell me, have you ever been plagued by nightmares?  Were you able to get rid of them?  Did you do anything, consciously or otherwise, to try to avoid them?

Not Comfortable

A wise blogger I once met irl (you can find her blog at: http://yourdailydose-robin.blogspot.com/) and I have talked about the fact that life seems to keep sending you the same message over and over and over until you get it.

Oh yeah, some days can really feel like head to wall experiences if you get caught up in this little hamster wheel of the universe.

found at: commons.wikimedia.org

So right now I'm thinking that I hope this is the last time around for me needing to learn that it's OK to be in uncertainty.  Not that this will be the last time that I'll ever have uncertainty...  Nooo, that's completely unrealistic.  I get that. 

But this should be the last time that I ever have to equate uncertainty with getting all anxiety ridden, overly emotional and just certain that the only thing I could be certain of in a moment like this is that all things negative eventually grow out of uncertainty.  Whew- did you catch your breath after that one?!  (This is where those of you who were raised in households in which you needed to be hyper vigilant to avoid any possible upsets to the ol' family apple cart can rest assured that yes, this is a personal shout out to you.)

This time around I am learning that not only does life go on while we are in uncertainty; it can actually go on in a remarkably positive way.  If you try hard enough to separate yourself from the queasiness that tends to take over in the midst of uncertain moments, those moments of uncertainty can lead to paying attention in sharp detail to every day things that will leave us with memories and appreciation that we might have otherwise missed.

Today, in this moment, that's where I'm at.  I'm stopping to take notice of the little things.  I'm listening with a more open heart.  While it's true that I will probably always be more comfortable when things in my life are fairly 'settled', I am making a concerted effort to allow the positives that always exist- even when life is a bit out of sorts, to come through.  I want to experience the best life has to offer, no matter how unsettled I might be feeling.

Even If It's Raining

There is an intriguing prospect that may just change life quite drastically for me and mine lurking just around the corner.  (I promise to give details if/when this thing comes to fruition.) 

I couldn't help but notice that when looking into said prospect I started to think/act quite a bit differently.

I wondered at why it would take a different life situation to make me think so differently.  So much more openly.

I wished it didn't take the prospect of a pretty big life change to make me want to make more positive changes in my life overall.  I thought about where I was when I decided to dump a bunch of weight.  And how that had been the same kind of light bulb moment and I wished that I could somehow make these kinds of things happen without having to face up to some sort of negative aspect of life first. 

I just love the idea of going right ahead and jumping onto the positives that help to make life so much better and really want to start doing those things without the push of a negative to get me to that point.  You know, I kind of want to get past the point of needing the proverbial cattle prod to improve myself!

For today, my goal is to get out and exercise in the fresh air as much as possible, even if it's raining. 

This is a tough one for me and yet I just know that I will be rewarded with even better health and other beautiful and wonderful non-tangibles along the way.

What do you struggle with doing that is easier when life prods you in some way?  What is the best reward that you have reaped from a life change?

For My Sister, On The Occasion Of Her 30th Birthday

My dear sister,

I have thought about you many, many times over the last few weeks.  I think about you a lot.  But more so recently, as you approach this milestone of your 30th birthday. 

In my mind, I've gone all the way back to the you I knew as a baby.  I won't lie.  I wasn't thrilled when you arrived on the scene.  I was 8 years old and knew enough even then to realize that bringing your poor little soul into the mix wasn't going to be a good thing.  I was selfish.  I didn't want to have one more thing to take care of.  I felt overloaded.  I think you knew that, even then.  You were fussy, colicky, and rarely smiled.  You managed to have your voice heard even as an infant.  I realize now that you were trying to teach me to speak up at all costs. 

In grade school you were such a spitfire.  You hit your teacher in kindergarten because she embarrassed you in front of the class.  Not one year went by without you being suspended for something or other.  You had a permanent frown on your face.  You didn't believe in hiding behind the walls of lies that I was helping to so carefully construct.  You taught me that truth is the ultimate freedom and that no amount of smoothing over will ever really make things better.

During your high school years I felt that we were really starting to communicate on a higher level.  I wasn't living with the family any more and it seemed that this made us able to speak openly about our home situation for the first time.  You seemed to have the self esteem that I lacked.  You refused to wear anything but the best.  No garage sale or thrift store stuff for you.  You were really beginning to succeed in all the ways that I had secretly wished for all along.  I really believed that you would somehow come out unscathed.  I had so much wrapped up in who you were going to be.  Far too much, it turns out.  I have learned that nobody can handle that level of pressure- especially not a young girl who came from where we came from.

By your senior year, everything had come tumbling to the ground in a massive heap.  I was so angry with you.  I felt like everything I had ever done for you was being thrown back in my face.  I felt so defeated as I watched your life unwind.  You threw away your Navy enlistment.  You ran away to live in a drug flop house.  You tossed everything valuable about yourself into a flaming inferno and watched it burn.  You almost seemed to enjoy it.   You were not me and I should have seen that.  I am so sorry that I believed you could just get through it all and manage to make a life for yourself once you were finally freed, as I did.  I didn't get it then that you only wanted desperately to have your own life, make your own choices- something I have come to appreciate on such a deep level.

As the years have gone by and we have grown further and further apart, you have let me know many times that you feel as if I judge you for the life that you have chosen.   I must admit that the life you live scares me.  It is sad and dangerous and far closer to repeating the life we had as kids than I ever would have imagined for you.  I could tell you that I want better for you, that you deserve so much more.  I'm aware now that this is not my place.  My desires for your life are simply that; mine. 

People often saw me as the 'smart' one and yet you got the lesson so much quicker than I did.  There is no value in living your life for others and what they would have you be.  Part of me is still that selfish 8 year old, but I am learning.  Life is not about covering up the imperfections.  Rather we should embrace them.  It is only then that we can manage to make any kind of real choices about whether or not we will keep or change the things that make us who we are.

On this your 30th birthday, I will thank you for the lessons you have bestowed upon me and wish you everything it is that your life is meant to be.  And mean it, without reservation.

Dumping Chaos- 15 Minutes At A Time

First off, thanks for the nice comments concerning my dog and his health.

credit: artdogblog.com

He is doing OK for now and through some experimentation I have found ways to keep things pretty even keel for the time being.  I am satisfied with where things are for Parker in this moment.  I hope and pray that things progress along a natural course and I am not forced to make tougher decisions.  Being spared that would be a wonderful gift.

As to my topic for today of 'dumping chaos', it certainly is a bit of a spill-over from my last post about the crazy ups and downs of life.  And 'dumping chaos' is something that I might just have more insights to share about in time as I go along with my efforts to do so.

So let's see... some historical information might be of value here.  Chaos has certainly had an effect on me for much of my life.  And then when I started this whole journey of deciding that I want to make a major cross country move and some other life changes, I noticed that chaos had not only become a regular visitor in my life, but also had actually taken over my life completely.

Chaos was everywhere for me and I didn't even see it.  So many people I love had so much chaos in their lives that I thought I was doing OK as I certainly didn't have chaos at their level.  Ugh, I was wrong.  Turns out you can't really allow chaos near you without getting some on you!

Credit: dreamstime.com

So as I set out to make some life changes and ready myself to make some bigger dreams come true, I found had a lot of cleaning up to do- both figuratively and literally.  I needed to make room for the things I want my life to be and I needed to be sure to stop sabotaging my efforts by letting chaos creep into everything around me.

This has been a long process.  An emotional process to be sure.  A process that is best shared in multiple small doses over time.

As I read around the blogoshpere today I see that it seems I am not alone in my quest to choose a life without chaos, a life that suits my needs and goals a lot better than it has in the past.    A good example of this can be read and digested over at MizFitOnline.  Carla has written some blogger gold on related topics over there recently.  

As for me today, I will conquer one small aspect that has made a big difference in my life here at home:  how I take 15 minutes and turn it into a real improvement in my surroundings, aesthetically and essentially.

First let me admit that although I consider myself more than an average domestic goddess, there ARE some things that I just don't enjoy doing here on the home front.  One of those things is yard work.  For some reason I equate yard work with torture.  Even though I love the fact that doing the yard work results in money saved and good times spent with loved ones in garden and play areas on sunny days, I just have not been often motivated to do the work to get to the result.

So... in comes my 15 minute plan.  In the last couple of months I have made a real effort concerted effort to plan out time to work in the yard for 15 minutes at a time.  Doesn't sound like much, but it is. 

Some of the things I have accomplished in about 15 minutes are:  trimming and fertilizing the roses, cleaning leftover leaves from one area of the yard at a time, cleaning out flower pots to ready them for planting, mixing in new dirt and fertilizer in those flower pots, weeding out one small garden area at a time, treating moss on the roof one section at a time, planting some new stuff, scrubbing off one section at a time of our concrete patio, cleaning out one section of gutters... you get the idea.

I stumbled upon this idea when I was waiting for a friend.  At first I thought that hauling out all the 'stuff' to do the project would take up all the time I had and that I would end up actually doing the work later.  Then I realized how quick it was to just dive in and get something done.  Now I often end up working a little longer than 15 minutes, but I also allow myself to celebrate what I have done if 15 minutes is all I have.

15 minutes is way better than nothing and I am finding that I don't have such an uphill battle staring me in the face.  I find that my loathing for yard work has diminished greatly and this 15 minutes at a time has taken a good load of chaos from my surroundings and gives me a neater, cleaner world to look at and live in. 

This 15 minute approach may not work for everything, but you may be surprised at what can be tackled in this way.

The Truth About My Sister

Some blog posts are just so honest that it can be scary.  This is about to be one of those.  If that turns you off, sorry- this might be one you'd like to skip.  In real life, I am typically a pretty easy going person.  I think I have a pretty good grip on reality and I don't see my life as any better or worse than most.  However, this blog is a place where it feels safe to share what are sometimes not so pleasant aspects of my pretty normal life, so here goes...

Over the past couple of months, my nephew who I have written of many, many times before has been seeing a psychologist because of some behavioral issues that he has.  Over time it had become obvious that he is not quite up to the average for his age group in many ways.  Thankfully none of these ways involve a lack of IQ or mental capacity, but it is still quite important that he learn how to relate to the world in a relatively 'normal' way.  So on good recommendation from his teacher and councilor, off to the psychologist he went.

Now I will admit that I am a bit skeptical of the tendency to over diagnose.  It seems that almost everyone in this world is diagnosed with something these days.  Plus with the history that I have witnessed of way too many people in my family going to councilors and psyche doctors for years & years and never having improvement, you could say my expectations are never high for this kind of thing.  Still, I thought it would be worth a try.  And it turned out that right away I could tell that this psychologist was the real deal.  Once I got past her silly squeaky voice, I could tell that she meant well and wasn't there to just find a diagnosis.

My nephew did go through a bunch of testing and the psychologist met with several different family members several times before she gave us her opinion.  I have to admit I was very curious to see what she had to say and I have had a burning question in my mind about my nephew for the past few years so I was anxious to see what would come of this.

The question that I have never really faced is this:  Does my nephew have some sort of issue like ADHD, Aspergers, OCD- or is it purely an issue of the way that he was raised?

I think I know now why I never really wanted to face this question.

My nephew has been diagnosed with PTSD.  He is nine.  I am sad for him beyond words.

I am sad for the fact that he has been so traumatized that it has affected who he is and how he relates in everyday life.  I am sad that he is just another casualty in a family that just doesn't seem able to function at even a relatively normal level.  I am sad that the abuse that runs deep in my family couldn't have stopped with my sister and I.

How in the world does anybody have a crappy childhood and then turn around and do the same garbage to their own kids?  I know, I am one to talk.  I don't have any kids.

But I did have my sister- that I seriously pretty much raised from the time she was born when I was 8.  (I used to drop her off at daycare down the street on my way to 3rd grade.  My mother would call and wake me up and then I would get myself and my baby sister ready for the day.)  And at one time I thought that the love and values that I had shared with her would be enough to keep her from ever turning out like so many women in my family have.

There is my great grandmother who allowed a soldier who was staying in her home to rape her daughter, my grandmother.  My grandmother became a mother at 14 as a result of this.  And then went on to have 4 kids by the age of 19.  4 kids that she did absolutely horrendous things to.  Things like tying them to their bunk beds and whipping them with extension chords.  One of those kids was my mother, who once had a high heel shoe put through her skull.  My mother who ended up with Munchhausen by proxy and gained attention for having such 'sick' children.  One of those children, my sister, became a cutter and a drug addict and is also abusive. 

It seems that the women in my family are just truly sick and evil in so many ways.  Ways that petrified me growing up and made me wonder who and what I would turn out to be.  They were all addicts and abusers in turn.  Now my nephew is the latest in the line of victims.  Seeing him and how he is affected is very difficult.  It is like looking in a mirror in some ways.  In other ways, it is empowering.  I can see the results of this long line of abuse and I can see that there is a chance to change things.

While I am disgusted by the fact that this experience with my nephew seeing a psychologist has made me look at a hard truth about my sister and who she really is, I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and be a better person who is available to my nephew in a very special way.  I know that when the day comes that he just might share his deepest feelings with me, I will be there as a healthy and supportive person who can show him what life can be- no matter how it started out. 

I have a good friend who has told me that she is amazed at the transformation in me over the past couple of years.  She has declared that I am a whole new person.  She is religious and has declared me a person who has broken generational sin.  She tells me how inspiring this has been for her to see.  I have learned to take her compliments and use them for good instead of denying them.  I will use my experiences for the positive.  I will be someone that my nephew can always count on. 

a picture taken at the Newport, OR aquarium during one of my nephew and I's many wonderful adventures!

 

I will NOT allow my sadness that my sisters life is not what I had dreamed of for her to affect my nephews possibilities.  I am not 8 years old any more, trying to get a colicky baby to calm down while watching an after school special.  I did the best I could then and this life is not about the past.  Facing the truth doesn't have to be an exercise in futility.  I will always love my sister, though I doubt very much that I will ever fully understand her.  I may be sad that she will never really share the gift that she was meant to give of herself to the world.  But I promise to my nephew, Nathan, that I will not let my sadness take away from what I have to offer.  I will love him and comfort him and help him to grow, right where he's planted.  And one day I will tell him all about how I helped to transplant him to the spot where he's at.  I will share how much it meant to me to be a part of making his life a positive and how much helping him has absolutely changed my soul and allowed me to grow in ways I never could have imagined.

The Good Life

Over this past 4th of July weekend a couple of unexpected and interesting things happened, as they often do when we are just rolling right along through life.

First, one of my friends had their father in law die suddenly.  This guy was 91 years old.  He had recently experienced some kind of 'episode'.  Either his heart or a small stroke- he couldn't say which and wasn't interested in finding out.  He had never been under any kind of regular medical care and had no intention of becoming one of those old people whose life revolves around doctor's appointments.  So his daughters came into town for the holiday weekend, spent 3 beautiful days with him, shared meals and laughter.  When they got back home, out-of-state, they couldn't get a hold of him to let him know their plane had landed safely.  My friend went over to check on him and found him looking like he was sleeping peacefully, but clearly gone.  He had left his door unlocked, which he never did.  It was clear that he had passed on his own terms. 

As for me, I spent the weekend with my nephew as planned, but was surprised when I came into town to find that the psychologist that Nathan would be seeing was very happy that I was there and wanted to get some in depth family history from me.  At first I was not looking forward to this at all.  My family story is not a nice one.  But I didn't want to let thinking about this ruin the weekend.  So I decided not to over think it.

When the time came to give the needed information, I did so without breaking down or wishing that things could have been different.  I just told what needed telling and was relieved to find that it wasn't that bad after all.  I think I have realized that the future is whatever we make of it, regardless of a past that cannot be changed.

It is good to know that although there will always be things that we wish we could control that we cannot, there is a lot that we can do.  And that's where the good life lives after all, isn't it?

A Woman's Worth

What in the world is going on?
I don't mean to be a downer, but I just have to get my thoughts and feelings out there about this particular issue.

How is it that I still live in a world in which women are treated like sexual objects, inferior to men, or even sometimes as mere slaves, existing only to please or serve men?  As an American woman, I have long believed that I am supposed to be treated as the equal to any human being on the face of this planet.  But then things pop up in the news and I am reminded that maybe I am only living a pipe dream.  And truly it leaves me sad and frustrated.  Not just for me, but mainly for the women of the future.  Where are we headed as a society if we don't value women and everything they have to offer?

I have a husband who treats me as the valuable and precious being that I am.  And I want to believe that every woman deserves that, every day.  Not just the lucky few who find real the real men in this world...

But the main thing I see that really gets to me is this:  Why are there so many women who are willing participants in this idea that women should accept any kind of cruddy treatment?!  Every time you hear a story about women being degraded by men, there is almost always a woman who is right there in the middle of it participating just as much as any man in the situation.

Again I say, what in the world is going on here?

Everything Could Change At Any Time...Or Not

I ran into a friend that I don't see very often at a Birthday BBQ the other night.  She's the one with a child who was born with special needs so she is especially busy and harried these days.  Still, she took the time to really talk to me (while I held her sweet baby and took my turn at helping to sooth her near constant crying).  I couldn't believe that in the middle of all that is going on with her, she truly gets how I'm feeling these days.  She immediately picked up on the fact that my husband and I are in the position that we are attempting to keep our spirits up for a real change in location in the near future while managing to remain grateful and content for what we have right now.

But of course it made sense.  Her family is going through something so much bigger.  Their daughter will be having the first of many surgeries at the end of this month.  This surgery will change things to one degree or another, but there is no guarantee as to what the results will be.  They could be in for a lot of relief for their daughter's situation or they could be merely laying the foundation for a more profound result in the future.

While I was amazed that this person- of all people- got what we are going through, I am ever grateful to those who have not tired of my story and can demonstrate some level of understanding.  I mean, it is not like we are going through anything all that profound.  And yet, it is a big deal to us- this waiting for an opportunity to move and then also wondering what that will be like when we get to that point.  It is a chosen in-between. 

We live about 6 weeks at a time.  With every new interview or even the hint of an opportunity, we get excited and consider the possibilities.  As the process moves on, we find that we have a hard time committing to much of anything.  We don't know if we'll need to be at an interview somewhere far away or if it will be another year before we actually have any concrete plans.  We are resentful that we can't just sell our house and live off savings while getting to become locals and find a job that way.  But, we are also oh so happy that we have a home and a good job right here.  I have everything 'semi-packed' mostly in Rubbermaid containers and will be having another garage sale with a friend to empty out my guest room of all the things we have decided do not make the cut for being 'move-worthy'.  We have made many trips to give things away to charity. 

I find that I am more free than ever living in this 'in-between' way, something I never anticipated doing or feeling comfortable with.  I appreciate things more.  I pay more attention.  It is easier for me to see what is really important and to be able to let go of the stuff that doesn't matter much after all.  This sort of juxtaposition living makes for an interesting time.  It makes you think about what you want out of life in a bigger way.  You get to live in the moment. 

Have you ever done it? 
What was the situation?
What happened to end your in-between time?
How did you feel when it was over?
Did it permanently change the way you look at life?