A Funny From A Friend

Since I have maintained a 50 lb. weight loss for the last 3 and 1/2 years, I haven't spent a whole lot of time or energy looking for new clothes.  It's easy to justify clothing purchases when things don't fit, but it's a bit trickier when you stay the same size.  Now, I have finally gotten to a place where it is truly necessary to buy some new stuff.  Even though I have wanted to lose just a touch more (maybe 5-10 lbs.) I really can't wait any longer to get some new clothing.  I have literally worn through most of my favorite things at this point.  Seriously, this stuff is no longer fit for public consumption!

So I took an old shopping buddy along with me to help me find at least some pants that would work better than the 'holey' and threadbare ones that I currently own.

"Shopping Ladies Walking", by Sattva

 found at: freedigitalphotos.net

I ended up leaving the store with a killer swimsuit instead.  (Ok, so guys reading this will be wondering how the heck this could happen while shopping for pants, while the ladies know exactly how this happened.)  The woman at the checkout even mentioned that the suit was her favorite one ever. 

So after hitting up a couple more stores and not finding any pants at all, I went home a little frustrated.  Even my old standby, the Goodwill, wasn't helping me out here.

Then I got a text from my shopping buddy that made me smile.  It read:  It's a sign.  A sign that YOU will be spending more time in the sun.  Pants?  Who needs pants?!  Not YOU!

Time And Resources

One day, back when I was working as a nanny and was still really struggling to make ends meet, the father of the kids I was working with reminded me of one of the simple truisms of life:  You either have more time or more money- not usually the luxury of both at the same time.

Lately, as I contemplate the exciting changes that are on the horizon for me and mine- eventually moving to a warm weather spot, investing in a vacation property, working with my husband through his recovery to health, and even seeing my life through my own perimeters instead of those that have been assigned to me by others in the past- I can't help but contemplate that idea of time and resources.

I want to be careful and considerate with the things I give my time and effort to.  I want to spend my resources on things that truly matter to me.  I want to build the life I desire out of what I have.

That means I cannot please everyone.  Not even close.  And I am pretty OK with that.

So I've noticed that I'm putting more and more time and effort into things that are important to my husband. 
It feels good to me.  It feels right.
I'm a natural supporter, an ally, a partner.
I've never been comfortable in the limelight.
Some of us are supporting actors.  And damn good ones.

Unproductive beginnings can produce mad skills.  And just because those skills might have been originally produced in fear and taken advantage of by some in the past, doesn't mean they aren't real skills and meaningful in my life today. 

It is the most fun and rewarding thing to be there with someone who doesn't necessarily need you to survive, and yet is certainly better off because you are there.  There's a big difference between feeling as if you must keep everything in balance to avoid disaster and being able to provide a solid foundation in a partnership that is more than the sum total of its parts.

It's good to have a worthy place to put my time and energy into.  A place that makes me a better person too...  a person who will be more ready to accomplish my own goals as well. 

So I'm curious...  Are you the type of person that enjoys more of a supporting role?  How did you come to accept that about yourself?  Are you able to successfully weave in your own accomplishments?  What's the most that you have ever happily sacrificed for someone else?  Tell me your stories!

A Woman's Worth

What in the world is going on?
I don't mean to be a downer, but I just have to get my thoughts and feelings out there about this particular issue.

How is it that I still live in a world in which women are treated like sexual objects, inferior to men, or even sometimes as mere slaves, existing only to please or serve men?  As an American woman, I have long believed that I am supposed to be treated as the equal to any human being on the face of this planet.  But then things pop up in the news and I am reminded that maybe I am only living a pipe dream.  And truly it leaves me sad and frustrated.  Not just for me, but mainly for the women of the future.  Where are we headed as a society if we don't value women and everything they have to offer?

I have a husband who treats me as the valuable and precious being that I am.  And I want to believe that every woman deserves that, every day.  Not just the lucky few who find real the real men in this world...

But the main thing I see that really gets to me is this:  Why are there so many women who are willing participants in this idea that women should accept any kind of cruddy treatment?!  Every time you hear a story about women being degraded by men, there is almost always a woman who is right there in the middle of it participating just as much as any man in the situation.

Again I say, what in the world is going on here?

Right On Target

Having survived my husband's latest actuarial exam, I am now in that in-between-tests mode of shoving every last bit of life into the days that exist between tests.  For a few weeks, we move frantically through life getting reacquainted with our other selves- the selves we know are still there waiting for us when we emerge from the haze of yet another exam.  Yes, I am so looking forward to the day when the last exam has passed and this household can get back to the business of learning life lessons in the ways that most others do.  Until then, these exams serve as life learning that comes up and kicks you in the butt.  But then, it feels like we're going around with a note on our backs that says "kick me", so really what do we expect?! 
One thing that has come as a side benefit from all this testing stuff is that the friends that we do have are true friends.  Especially over the last couple of years, there have been many reasons to sort of trim back on the people in our lives that just don't belong there any more.  These tests have certainly taken up enough time to hack off those who need more than we can give.
One person who I have made sure to spend more time with lately is a woman who is battling mightily with colon cancer.  (I wrote about her here.)  Even though she is on an every other week chemo regimen, she has chosen to take life by the horns and is filling every day to the brim.  So naturally, when my friend asked me to take her shooting, I was thrilled.  I do love and respect my second amendment rights and I love sharing that experience with others.
My friend was a little concerned that she might not be able to manage the proper handling of a gun because she has had a type of chemo treatment in the past that left her with some neurological problems in her hands.  Luckily, I had been a part of training another person who has similar difficulties.  So I felt that I could help my friend learn to handle the gun safely and proficiently.  It turns out I didn't have to do much.  Sometimes the will to do something overrides any physical limitations.  My friend was shooting one of my favorite 9mm Glocks' at 21 feet with beautiful accuracy in no time!   She did tire quickly so we ended up going back to a nice little laser guided 22 to end the night.  I was just so happy to have helped her fulfill one small item on her special 'to do' list.  When she remarked what a 'rush' this had been for her, I have to admit that I was experiencing quite a rush of my own.

Keepin' Busy

Up until this morning, I was super preoccupied with my husbands study efforts leading up to his test today.  I stay as involved as I can, helping him go over practice problems and being a sounding board for him to work out the details of some devilishly detailed math.  Now it's finally the day of the test and I have become super busy doing anything I can to keep my mind off the fact that he is plugging away at his exam even as I type this.  I have every right to believe that he will pass this time.  I really do.  But I thought he would pass last time and he didn't. So I also have this gnawing feeling in my gut that is making me stir crazy.

So far I have done some official work for about 3 and half hours this morning.  Then I stopped at two different stores on the way home.  When I was out the weather was doing this annoying snow/raining thing again.

So I did what any half crazed woman not quite in her right mind would do.  I bought some pretty primroses-

and went straight to work planting them as snowflakes fell into my hair.  I think it was sort of my way of protesting this way too long winter and giving this stressful day a little lift while I was at it.

Now I've gone to work on the laundry even though the bins are practically empty.  I think I'll go and see if I can find anything else that needs bleaching...

Here's To YOU Thursday/ 80's and Beer, What Could Be Better?

One of my good blog buddies, Robin, over at YOUR DAILY DOSE does a really cool thing every Thursday.  Only this week she is feeling so crummy that she wasn't able to do it.  And I know that means that she is feeling absolutely horrid.  What a bummer.  She is super good at finding incredible footage on YouTube and then dedicating it to those she sees fit for, each and every Thursday.  I know she puts a lot of work into this and I know she's disappointed that it didn't happen this week. 

NEVER FEAR, Robin.  Your support for me and this here blog are always appreciated.  When I heard rumor that some were posting 'Here's to you Thursday' posts in your honor, I had to join in.

Robin lets people guess why they're getting whatever video she posts for them, but just in case you're not familiar with her I'll let you know that this one is because it's Superbowl week and Robin loves the 80's.  I miss how cool the commercials for the Superbowl used to be.  

So, Robin, this one's for you: (Pause my music player so you can check out the video.)

New Perspective

I got that call I was waiting for, on Monday afternoon.  The prosecutor called to let me know the outcome of my mother's sentencing hearing for her felony domestic violence assault conviction. 
The results in rational terms: 6 months in jail, 88 hours of community service, 3 years of probation, various fines, will never be eligible to work with kids, the elderly, etc.  She must pay for counseling for the minor child that witnessed her behavior until he is 18.  She must have a psychological exam and pay for and stay current with any treatment that is prescribed. 
The emotional toll: I had pretty much prepared myself for the guilt and sorrow that I knew would come.  What I never saw coming was the anger and disgust.  The prosecutor took the time to go over the whole hearing with me, line by line.  She felt that I needed to know what had happened because she wants to be sure that I get through the reality of just how bad my mother's mental issues are and how that still might effect me.  I have to say that this prosecutor has been so good to me.  She has taken extra time and energy to truly help me through this.  One particular issue that has cropped up in the past that involves me is that my mother sometimes believes that she is me.  She has even been known to commit petty crime and give my name.  Apparently, the hearing had to be stopped twice so that things could be clarified for my mother.  She felt that the papers that the judge was reading, that I had sent in, were all just things that I meant to say about my sister, not her.  Then she said, "that's O.K.  I understand because I used to be her."  My mother honestly believes that she groomed me so well that I am not capable of saying anything negative about her, that everything I wrote was meant to be directed at my sister.  She is also still convinced that we are the same person.  She has spoken many times about how she used to be me and she is not speaking metaphorically.  My mother means that we are one and the same person, as if I am some part that has broken away and needs to be reined in. 
If you are not totally weirded out at this point, then I'm sure you are starting to get why this is so hurtful.  It's as if no matter what I ever do, I will never truly be my own person in my mother's eyes.  She will never get to see who I have become.  She will never enjoy me as her daughter.  My personality, my emotions, my thoughts are an affront to her.  If anything unique and apart from her is seen in me, it is a problem meant to be squashed.  I knew this was an issue, but had secretly hoped that one day things would change.  The prosecutor reminded me that although things could change one day, I need to live my life as if it doesn't matter if they never do.
It took me a couple of days to digest all of this and get to a point that I can live with.  I know my mother needed to be stopped.  I hope that she gets some real help.  I also know that regardless of whatever she does or does not do with her life, mine will go on.  And I will enjoy it.  To the fullest.  I deserve it.  And honestly, especially after some of the things I read on others' blogs, I know that my life is good.  I know I am changing the pattern in my family for the better.  I will continue to look to the positive and refuse to wallow in the past.  My mother may never truly know me.  I will share what I have to offer with everyone in my life and trust that my unique gifts will be accepted and appreciated by those who are meant to receive them. 

Aunt On A Mission

My sister is a woman of many talents.  She is intelligent and resourceful.  However, the things she chooses to do with her talents are questionable, to put it nicely. 
It seems she's found a really great way to avoid important court dates, like the one she missed today. See, if you want to continue on with your pathetic life consisting of dragging your children down with you to lower and lower depths, then the thing to do is to keep missing custody hearings by checking your drugged out self into the hospital the night before a hearing.  SIX TIMES over the past two years.
Either my sister has the worst, luck, ever. Or she's up to her usual level of seriously manipulating whatever situation she is in. Just when you think she's backed into a corner and couldn't possibly slime her way out of it, start following the slime trail. That trail is long and slippery...
Let me tell you, this is one of those times that my husband actually counted me down- 3, 2, 1... He does that when he knows that I'm about to do something like spin my head around and blow pea soup. I didn't. I kept it cool. Only because I really wanted some answers. And because when I do have one of my rare true blow ups, I don't always remember just what I've said...and that can be bad.
I spent most of my day with a judges assistant and a parole officer. They are now quite aware of just how obvious some behavior patterns have become. And how tired I am of nothing being done about said behavior patterns.
Although my sister was unable to represent her side of the issue today, the process is now moving on without her. Just as it should be. My nephew, Nathan, will be spending the remainder of this year with his father, sharing the holiday season with his Dad for the first time in 5 years.  I think the judge finally got it when we pointed out that with every second chance that my sister is given, my nephew LOSES yet another chance at any sort of normal childhood.
I get it. These people see a lot of cases.  Many that are just like my nephew's. Unfortunately, there are many kids without someone who loves them enough to fight for them. I was that kid at one time, and I refuse to stand by and watch my nephew suffer alone. I know what it's like to be told that no one will ever believe you and feel as if that is true.
Unfortunately Nathan has learned to lie, that the truth gets you into trouble. He doesn't really know what the truth is any more. He has a hard time trusting anyone. But he is also bright and unique and deserves all the support that it's going to take to get him back on track to enjoy a normal life one day.  It has been an ugly trip already, but I swear my nephew will learn that people love him and will be there for him, no matter how hard this journey gets.

Cool Running

I like running.  No, really, I do.

Up until February of this year, I think I was like most people who believe that running is an activity best reserved for trying to save ones life from immanent danger.  And only that. 

When my husband suggested that running was a form of exercise that he might like to try and that it would be great if I would join him in this little endeavor, I was less than enthusiastic.  But he got to me in a weak moment.  He was recovering from a true near death experience and I felt I should support whatever it was he wanted to do with whatever time he has left on this planet.
 
I realized he was going to be fine for another 50 years or so, and that this running thing was a suckfest of epic proportions when it was too late.  I was already on board and that ship had sailed.  After 5 years of watching a yearly event that involved a parade & seeing runners finish an 8k and listening to my husband talk about wanting to do the run 'some day', we were going to start by training for a 5k run.  Don't get me wrong.  I am no couch potato.  I like all kinds of activities.  I love dance in all forms from ballet to ballroom and even belly dance.  I have a job that puts me on my feet most of the time.  But running?  Seriously?

Like most people, over the years I had put on more than a few extra pounds.  And the idea of hauling my overweight butt down the street for no good reason just didn't have any magic appeal to me.  But running seemed to be the only activity that my husband was even remotely interested in doing.  He has a sit down job and doesn't get a whole lot of regular exercise.  I was worried about his overall health, so I gave in.

I should have known better.  When we first got started, it was excruciating just to get down to the park at the edge of our development and back.  This one:

Sweat would pour off my forehead and it was shameful how far down I had come from my college level ballerina days.  It was only after a couple of weeks of doing this short 1/2 mile run, a few times a week, that I was finally ready to up the ante and increase the distance.  This is when my husband chose to admit that his family had a natural aptitude for running and that he & his siblings had done some cross country back in high school.  Yeah, I wanted him near death again.  But only for a little while.  (Then I found out that this 5k was really 3.8 miles, not 3.1.  I could have just screamed.....)  By this time I had fully committed to at least doing the 5k.  I wanted to see if I could really do it. 

I did do it.  Just barely.  In March, I did the actually 3.8 miles in 50.48 minutes.  13.23 minutes per mile.  Not great, but I survived.  I had to walk most of the last mile.  My legs felt like jello and I thought I might collapse right there on the spot.  Still, I was happy that I had followed through.  I had gotten to the point where this was actually getting easier.  So I readied myself for the event in July.  After all, 3.8 miles was pretty close to the 4.97 miles in the 8k, right? 

It turns out that there is really a pretty major difference and a real reason many people enjoy doing 5ks for years and feel no need to do 8ks.  But the 8k was what my husband always wanted to do, so that's what we did.  It was totally worth it.  Along the way, I learned some stuff about me and running that I never would have learned if I never would have pushed myself to this point.  I am a stamina runner.  I am not fast, but I am steady.  A hill in front of me doesn't much slow me down.  I just plug along and do what I need to do.  I can get faster over time and have learned a lot from doing sprints just to test myself and see what I've got in me when I give it my all.  Running is about the only time that I don't multi-task.  I don't even listen to music when I run.  It's pretty meditative for me and that's about as close or as comfortable as I get to meditation.  Running makes me feel free.

Shortly before the 8k race, it became apparent that I was now the motivator for our practice runs.  My husband is still faster than me and he would rather run than do other activities, but I seem to enjoy the process more than he does.  (He ran the 8k in 54:34, running & walking alternately/ I did it in 1:04, non-stop running because I don't have the running/walking thing down yet and I wanted to see if I could do it.)  He feels exhausted when a race is over, I feel exhilarated.  I have learned to love the miles that stretch out before me as a unique gift of that day and no other.

We are now preparing to do a 5k on December 4th.  I am now 25 lbs. lighter, due in part to running and mostly a lot of dumping personal baggage.  I am excited to see how much faster I will be over my time back in March.  I am even more excited about the fact that I am still enjoying running and learning more about myself in the process.

Inspiration

Pause the music player, so you can listen to the song:




Was anyone else as amazed as I was at Edison Pena's impressive appearance in the New York City Marathon? Here's what he had to say about it:
“In this marathon I struggled,” he said. “I struggled with myself, I struggled with my own pain, but I made it to the finish line. I want to motivate other people to also find the courage and strength to transcend their own pain.”

'Pena’s personal victory came just weeks after he was still training in near-darkness, jogging 6 or 7 miles each day 2,300 feet underground in stifling heat and humidity. He and 32 other men survived 69 days in the caved-in mine before they were rescued last month.'

'He said running was his salvation — his way of proving how much he wanted to live.'

This guy and his absolutely fantastic performance really got me thinking. I am one who rarely engages in excuses. I feel like there really aren't any good ones. I've been known to say that excuses are just lies in disguise. The lies we tell ourselves are really the worst ones, aren't they?  I've seen way too many people who are much worse off than me in some way or another- either physically, mentally or emotionally (many of you bloggers fall into one of these categories) and I just don't feel that I have the right to cop out most of the time.  I admit that sometimes I come off as extremely demanding. I don't mean to be harsh. I just don't want to rob people of what they could be or could accomplish by being yet another easy way out. I hold myself to a high standard and I'm not any better than anyone else. So I try not to lower my standards for anyone, while still realizing that everyone is different and has something to add that may not be the way I would do things.
I so admire people who do things that they don't have to. The people who really make a difference in this world by going above and beyond what could possibly be expected of them. There are always things that I have meant to do, but never get around to. I think this guy and people like him are so important to those of us just getting through every day life without too many obstacles. They make us think about what we can do if we truly challenge ourselves, even just once in a while.

Oh Drat & All That...

No dice.
He came awfully close; I just know it.  We don't have a grade yet, but I know my husband couldn't have missed passing this test by much and it just kills me.  I was so disappointed for him.  I could have just cried, but I didn't (at least until later when he didn't see me).  After all, I'm his support system for these tests and he doesn't need that.  So we move on...  My husband & I spent 3 hours getting a new study plan in order and we're gonna' get this beast next time.
Here's part of the study plan, so you can get some idea what we're up against:

The good news?  This test is available in 3 month increments for the first time this year.  So we'll get this over in February, rather than have to wait until May. 
My husband seems to feel the worst about the fact that this is not great for job hunting prospects.  I continue to feel as if the right job will be there in the right moment for us.  Remember, we are not suffering with unemployment.  This is a choice.  I am always grateful for that.  Besides, we still have 2 job prospects in the hopper right now, so that's not bad.  The latest word from the recruiters: in person interviews for the aforementioned jobs will be delayed by a couple of weeks.  So, basically, after Thanksgiving. 
That means I know where I'll be for day after Thanksgiving sales!  I always love a good sale, even if I don't want to buy much, so I don't have to haul it 2,500 miles.

A Deal

On Thursday, my husband will be sitting for the Construction And Evaluation Of Actuarial Models Exam C.  The who, the what? Yeah, I know.
At one time, we were happily rolling along with him working in finance at a local natural gas company.  It was a good job, but not very exciting or challenging.  O.K. so actuarial work has a reputation for being purposefully UN-exciting, but as for the challenging part: most definitely. 
Well, about four years ago, my husband realized that all signs were pointing to the fact that the gas company he was working at was ripe for a buy out.  Thankfully, he saw this about six months before the word became official.  This gave us time to think about what he would do in case of said buy out.
As my husband pondered the possibilities, he started talking about doing something I had never heard of.  He wanted to become an actuary.  He told me that this idea had always been in the back of his mind.  He had sometimes wondered if he should have pursued this.  But he had a math professor in college that made him promise he wouldn't go any further in the field of math as he wasn't the ideal math student.    So, being the 'rule follower' that he is, he figured he had given his word and that door was closed.  Not so much, it turns out.  After all, he married me and (especially after I turned 30) something in me just yearns to break the rules.  So, as soon as I knew that he had a dream to try something other than what he was currently doing, it was on, baby!  (Besides, maybe he doesn't churn out math like a machine, but he was a Math and English double major at an Ivy League school.  So he's no slouch.)
Once the decision was made, my husband quickly moved into a position at a property casualty insurance company and began the process of working through actuarial exams.  To say that these exams are difficult is an understatement.  There are nine of them, each requiring at least 300 hours of study.  Only a small number of people ever bother to even try taking these suckers.  And among those who do take the tests, the pass rate is about 30-40% for each one.  So in essence, if you can pass about one a year, you're golden.  This is what is expected for the industry, as many people are weeded out along the way.  So far so good, my husband has been at this for about four years and is on his fourth exam.
Now hang in here with me just a little bit longer.  This is where it gets interesting.  Over time, the two of us have realized some key ingredients in a much better pass rate for my husband.  (So he doesn't have to take each exam more than once.)  These things are not what we would have expected.  It doesn't seem to matter how many extra hours he studies.  It doesn't matter which study aids he uses- flash cards, books, study guides.  The big surprising key is this:  It matters that I stay interested and present in this process with him.  We have found that although I do not understand math or statistics at the level he must perform at, I do know how to keep my husband's spirit up and positive.  I know what it takes for him to focus, but not burn out.  If I just leave him to study and 'put in the hours', the hours don't add up to nearly as much learning and true understanding of the subject for my husband.  There's more than just the sum of all the parts going on here.  Some of the parts carry more weight than others.  And the cool part is that I get to be an integral part of all of this.  The end result is going to mean more because we are in this together. 
So, to get through this process, we've made a bit of a deal.  We both give up some time and energy for the total cause and in the end we'll both reap the benefits of a lot of hard work.  This really isn't anything new.  Families do this sort of thing all the time.  I just never saw myself with a stopwatch and an answer key that looks like Greek to me...