What If Wednesday, Merely A Curiosity...

Welcome back to yet another episode of "What If Wednesday"!

For those who are new, (via Robin's blog Thank you, Robin!) I try to post a 'What If' type query over here on Wednesdays.  Mostly I like to get conversation flowing along in the comments and will usually blog about what brought me to post that particular 'What If'.

This week's post is a little different than my usual.  This time I am not inspired by something that has struck me in particular or has some bearing on something important to me.  This time I'm gonna' hit y'all up with a 'What If' that simply intrigues me.  I ran upon it while looking for a cute saying to add to address change cards (planning ahead and feeling positive!) and it really has nothing to do with that either.

So here we go: 
What if the one that got away, came back?

I love those stories of people who get together with someone from their long lost past and it all works out so beautifully.  I also know that sometimes the best thing that ever happens is to not end up with the person that you think you want to be with so badly at one particular moment.

I personally do not have a 'one that got away', but I have been the 'one that got away'.  I know this because the guy ended up contacting a friend of mine and telling her all about it.  The feeling wasn't mutual. ;)  And it was way too late anyway...

Do you have a 'one that got away'? Would you want them in your life now or at anytime in the future, say if you were available for a relationship at that time?

We're All Lucky

I'm a chatty one, really.  But lately, not so much.
I'm getting through some wierdness- something about seeing my husband go through things with his family that reminds me yet again why we're so perfect for each other.  Somehow it's tougher from the outside sometimes.  Ya know what I mean?  It also helps me to see why I'm lucky; as we all are in many ways. 

Single Four Leaf Clover, by Lamnee/ found at freedigitalphotos.net

On this St. Patrick's Day, I'm feeling lucky because:

1)  I have a future to look forward to that has nothing to do with my past.

2)  Fulfilling goals is important to me and I am excited about doing more of that.

3)  Being able to stop and realize that things are never all that out of control has become a part of who I am.

4)  Simple beauty appeals to me.

5)  My dogs think I am the 'cat's meow' and they make me feel like a VIP.

6)  I can drive, work, stand and walk for longer than most, without complaining.

7)  My husband wants nothing more than to have me be the me I want to be.

8)  People get excited about my cooking.

9)  My friends trust me to the nth degree.

10)  Most of the time I'm on the short learning curve.

Now You....?  Please tell me what makes you lucky too!

30 Days Of Thankful- 6 through 13

Ok, obviously I stink at this posting things on a certain time frame.  Ah, but let's see if I can get back into the swing of things here...
 

Pilgrims giving thanks by Debspoons, found at freedigitalphotos.net

Right now I am thankful for:

6) learning to step out on a limb, more and more
7) having risks pay off
8) being able to help people while keeping my boundaries
9) taking one day at a time
10) looking forward to a sunny Thanksgiving!
11) being in the moment
12) enjoying getting to think about the time I will spend with people I love over the holidays
13) having patience

Thanks for hanging in there with me.  I know I'm not the most reliable blogger, but I like to think that I have something good to add to the whole picture!

Look Out World, Here I Come!

A recent fortune received after some tasty kung pao

Sometimes we have to get back to our core.  That inner 'thing' that tells us what we really want is a powerful tool when we actually pay attention to it.

It's easy to get caught up in over-thinking stuff and hoping to do what we 'ought' to do, all the 'shoulds'.

The facts are what they are in any situation; and yet how those facts pertain to our lives can be something else entirely.

So for me and mine, for now, the most important thing is that we are all on the same page.  We're coming out and declaring to the world that we are going to make a move to Southern California!

My husband and I have spent a lot of time in California, making wonderful memories and strengthening the bonds of family and friendship.  California is our go to, for reliable weather and an easy going attitude.  California has been pretty good to us over the years.

We need to leave the Seattle area.  Hiding out from the grey and the rain 9 months out of the year has never been our bag.  We are constantly seeking out sun.  The snippy 'Seattle freeze' attitude is real.  Frankly we're tired of spending time trying to avoid interaction with people who want very badly to let you know how much better they are because they are greener, donate more to charity and are just way smarter than you.

There are always things we can complain about in any place we choose to live.  It's time to stop complaining and move on. While Washington is beautiful in many ways and Californians can be dopey and apathetic, there is no perfection anywhere.  Only different experiences that can fit us better or worse at different points in our lives.

This feeling of being ready for change is so strong now.  I am familiar with it.  It is the exact same feeling I had when we bought the Palm Springs condo one year ago in November. 

That turned out to be absolutely one of the best things that my husband and I have ever done!

Patience? Luck?

So now that we have done our fair share of celebrating around here regarding my husbands newly acquired A.C.A.S. status, of course I have set to thinking about what that could mean for us.  And of course  I am thinking that anyone in their right mind looking for an actuary should be beating down our door just now.

"Opened Door With Bright Light" by ponsulak found at: freedigitalphotos.net

Never mind that it doesn't work that way.  I won't be convinced.

But seriously, something has clicked inside me and I can feel what everyone said about how things would certainly change for us once my husband was able to meet this first of his two main goals.  (The second being to become a fellow in the Society of Actuaries.  Give it another couple of years for that one.) 

I feel doors opening and opportunities knocking.  I actually can't remember feeling this 'open' to new possibilities. 

And yes, it absolutely feels downright weird and wrong to be feeling so hopeful while witnessing so many people that we are close to still struggling mightily just to get by.  That is absolutely not lost on me.

"Breaking Rope" by scottchan found at freedigitalphotos.net

Over the weekend, my husband and I sat down and went over our budget and future plans because that's what we always do when anything is changed up in our lives and because that's just how we roll.  I think being raised in poverty either makes you never able to deal with finances or makes you super careful.  We are certainly the latter.

My plans to start flight lessons will happen soon.  Not just yet, as we never count chickens before they hatch and Fall weather in Seattle is not a great time to start that sort of thing.  However, I can actually envision being able to tuck my two small dogs into the back seat of an airplane rather than the car and get down to sunny Palm Springs in half the time it takes to drive...

With that said, I will admit that I am hoping that my feelings of something else big coming are about us moving to a warmer weather place.  No, I don't have any solid evidence for my feelings.  I'm just really hoping.  It is hard to be patient sometimes.

"Business Art" by digitalart found at: freedigitalphotos.net

The other day I mentioned to a checker that I believed in the old adage that 'the harder you work, the luckier you get' and I couldn't believe that he was so quick to say that he didn't think he could agree.  I didn't know whether he was saying that because he felt that lots of people work hard and don't get anywhere or because he felt that people who are fortunate don't work hard to get where they are.  I didn't ask because I was afraid of the answer and how it might make me feel. 

Being bold usually pays off and I should have been willing to chance what that moment might have lead to.....

Have you had moments in life when you knew that things were changing in a nearly tangible way?  How do you feel about hard work and what it leads to?   How much control does anyone really have over life direction?

Every Day, Do Something That Scares You

I finally did it.
I threw caution to the wind and did something that I have been wanting to do for years now.

I cut back on work.

Not tried to hold back a little.
Not even worked out my schedule so that things would be more even.
I actually, truly, cut back.

This involved telling someone that I could not take on their friend as a new client.
It also involved letting long time clients know that my time is now limited.

It wasn't easy.
And I felt pretty lousy guilty for a few days.
So much so that I was even tempted to take it back.

But then I remembered why I had always wanted to do this.

I love a well oiled smoothly running household that is a pleasure to live in.
I love being better equipped to handle the annoyances that life will throw at all/any of us.
I love being home to greet my husband with dinner,
And having the time to do the little extras that make life more pleasant.

I kept telling myself that when we moved to Texas I would be able to afford to do this- lower cost of living and all.  The northwest is truly one of the most expensive places a person can live in.

Then I realized that I could always have an excuse to keep waiting to live the life I really want to.
The excuses list goes a little something like this:  1) With no kids in the house, then I don't really have the right to cut back on work.  2) My husband & I both grew up poor and both worry about ever being poor again so I should do whatever I can to sock away cash so we won't have to worry.  3) I'm good at what I do and people need me.  4) My husband works so hard, so I should too.  And on and on....

Guess what?  1) I don't really care what people think about me not having kids.  I can do whatever I want for whatever reason I want to, as long as I'm not hurting or relying on others to take care of my household.  2) We're not poor anymore.  And frankly we've both done everything we can to make sure that will never be the case again.  If it ever is, we both have plenty of experience in dealing with that situation.  3) Yup, I'm very good at what I do and it's nice to be needed.  I also need to do what makes me truly happy and fulfilled as a human being.  4) Yup, my husband works damn hard and he loves having me available to take care of life's little annoyances and to welcome him home at the end of the day.  It makes his life better.

So there you have it.  If you have something that you've been meaning to do and you know it's true to your soul to do it, then don't hesitate anymore.  Even if it's scary.  Stop making excuses and live!

For My Sister, On The Occasion Of Her 30th Birthday

My dear sister,

I have thought about you many, many times over the last few weeks.  I think about you a lot.  But more so recently, as you approach this milestone of your 30th birthday. 

In my mind, I've gone all the way back to the you I knew as a baby.  I won't lie.  I wasn't thrilled when you arrived on the scene.  I was 8 years old and knew enough even then to realize that bringing your poor little soul into the mix wasn't going to be a good thing.  I was selfish.  I didn't want to have one more thing to take care of.  I felt overloaded.  I think you knew that, even then.  You were fussy, colicky, and rarely smiled.  You managed to have your voice heard even as an infant.  I realize now that you were trying to teach me to speak up at all costs. 

In grade school you were such a spitfire.  You hit your teacher in kindergarten because she embarrassed you in front of the class.  Not one year went by without you being suspended for something or other.  You had a permanent frown on your face.  You didn't believe in hiding behind the walls of lies that I was helping to so carefully construct.  You taught me that truth is the ultimate freedom and that no amount of smoothing over will ever really make things better.

During your high school years I felt that we were really starting to communicate on a higher level.  I wasn't living with the family any more and it seemed that this made us able to speak openly about our home situation for the first time.  You seemed to have the self esteem that I lacked.  You refused to wear anything but the best.  No garage sale or thrift store stuff for you.  You were really beginning to succeed in all the ways that I had secretly wished for all along.  I really believed that you would somehow come out unscathed.  I had so much wrapped up in who you were going to be.  Far too much, it turns out.  I have learned that nobody can handle that level of pressure- especially not a young girl who came from where we came from.

By your senior year, everything had come tumbling to the ground in a massive heap.  I was so angry with you.  I felt like everything I had ever done for you was being thrown back in my face.  I felt so defeated as I watched your life unwind.  You threw away your Navy enlistment.  You ran away to live in a drug flop house.  You tossed everything valuable about yourself into a flaming inferno and watched it burn.  You almost seemed to enjoy it.   You were not me and I should have seen that.  I am so sorry that I believed you could just get through it all and manage to make a life for yourself once you were finally freed, as I did.  I didn't get it then that you only wanted desperately to have your own life, make your own choices- something I have come to appreciate on such a deep level.

As the years have gone by and we have grown further and further apart, you have let me know many times that you feel as if I judge you for the life that you have chosen.   I must admit that the life you live scares me.  It is sad and dangerous and far closer to repeating the life we had as kids than I ever would have imagined for you.  I could tell you that I want better for you, that you deserve so much more.  I'm aware now that this is not my place.  My desires for your life are simply that; mine. 

People often saw me as the 'smart' one and yet you got the lesson so much quicker than I did.  There is no value in living your life for others and what they would have you be.  Part of me is still that selfish 8 year old, but I am learning.  Life is not about covering up the imperfections.  Rather we should embrace them.  It is only then that we can manage to make any kind of real choices about whether or not we will keep or change the things that make us who we are.

On this your 30th birthday, I will thank you for the lessons you have bestowed upon me and wish you everything it is that your life is meant to be.  And mean it, without reservation.

I Wish I Was Better At Posting- Just Because

I get kind of hung up on the idea that if something is going to be put into the written word, then it needs to be kind of super meaningful in some way.  And I wish I didn't do that so much.  Cuz' sometimes blogger gold is just a little tidbit that somebody shared and the meaning comes from those who read it and then it's all really cool...

Man, I wish I got how that worked a little bit better.  Anywhoooo......

This post comes courtesy of my nephew Nathan, because he actually DID tell me to tell everyone about this:

I got a call from one very happy and proud 10 year old boy today.  He told me that he had caught 6 fish today.  In less than two hours.  One of them was a rainbow trout that was 16 inches long. 

I love fishing and I have NEVER been that good at it.  

So here he is.  The amazing fisherman boy wonder:

Don't ask me why Nathan likes to wear his life jacket UNDERneath his coat!

Have I mentioned that I just absolutely love that kid with all my heart?! 

Moving On

My definition of psycho goes a lot like this:  when somebody hasn't had contact with you in almost a decade and they decide that it's a good idea to send stuff and call repeatedly for a period of time every couple of years just to see if there's an opening there, you can be pretty sure they're most probably psycho...

Just to be clear- No, there's not an opening.  And this is just psycho bull$h*t.  And I'm not putting up with it any more. 

In the words of our local sheriff: I deserve a peaceful life. 

I'm no longer going to think twice before I open my door or answer my phone.  I'm not going to feel like a hostage in my own home or anywhere else. 

Allow me to put a message out to the universe since I'm pretty sure you haven't found this blog (and I'm oh so grateful for that) -
You don't own me.  I have my own life hard fought for and hard won.
Hope you're not too psycho to heed your cease and desist letter. 
The law is on my side and I intend to end this for good this time.
Remember: you're on felony probation so I wouldn't mess with this if I were you.
Just sayin'.
Laugh often, love much, live well.

Not Backing Down

My apologies to those who are tired of all the medical talk.  I would usually be right there in that camp with ya, believe me.  However, this is a big part of my life at the moment so I gotta' get it out there.  I will be oh so happy to be on the other side of this once we get past May 16.  That's the day that my husband's surgery will happen and then we get to work towards recovery. 

As for now, today was the day for the last pre-op visit regarding my husbands big reconstructive surgery.  This time we saw the muscle specialist.  She was NOT as happy-go-lucky, touchy-feely as our hernia doctor.  She does come with wonderful credentials and everyone says her work is impeccable.  The doctors can't all be somebody we'd like to hang out with, right?  I guess it's good to have a dose of reality to go along with my hopeful attitude.  Balance is a good thing.

So here's the low down:  Because of the original massive infection there isn't a whole lot of abdominal muscle tissue left to work with.  That means that my husband will need to have a lot reconstruction work done using some of his oblique muscles in place of most of his abs.  Realistically, we can expect to see a return of about 80% of his original core strength level.

Now usually I like to say that I am neither optimist or pessimist, but a realist.  In this instance though I am totally going with the optimism.  There is no other way to go here.  We may be faced with the idea that nothing will ever be the same and that we shouldn't expect too much, but I'm just not accepting that.  Everything we have been through so far has shown me that I should expect more than anyone would imagine. 

I am still feeling...

Photo credit: linked2leadership.com

Two and half years ago when this all started, my husband and I were living a pretty charmed life in so many ways.  We had many things to be thankful for and life was pretty predictably good.  It felt as if we had exceeded all expectations for how others thought our lives would probably turn out, considering where we both come from.  And yet, I don't think we really got it that there was so much more waiting for us.

And who could have guessed it would all happen because of my husband coming through a near death experience? 

I know people say that certain major life experiences change them for the better.  They say it all the time.  It starts to feel cliche'.  But it isn't a cliche'.  Not when you're living it.  And I am no different.  I believe that this is changing us for the better.  Even as we go through it I can see how this whole thing has made me capable of dreams I never could have dreamed before, in a pretty direct way.  I have literally gone from being thankful that my life is finally just pretty much 'normal' to believing that's it's actually OK to voice my craziest desires aloud.

One of my all time favorite inspirational pieces of art:  

Check out those road signs!

Art credit: maryengelbreit.com

There is something about already having been through hell that makes me know for certain that my husband and I are going to make it back as well.  And when we do get back, we'll be stronger than ever, ready to tackle anything else that comes our way.