Anecdotal Truths- Real Journalism?

The other day, while shopping for a client, I witnessed this:

You can see and count 9 people in the line here for returns.  What you don't see is that since I was feeling a little weird about having people notice that I was taking their picture in the local hardware warehouse I managed to cut off the right edge of the photo where there is actually a second lit up 'returns' desk with 3 more people waiting near it.  (Yes, I do always have a small camera in my purse at all times.)

And then when I had the items I needed to purchase and headed to the self check area, I also witnessed this:

Again with my worry that people might feel weird being photographed while shopping and by this time my true desire to honestly portray what I had seen to anyone I might show these photos to, I managed to blur the scene quite badly. 

What I was trying to get here is the fact that there is only one woman in the self check area.  And this while there are 12 people in the 'returns' line.  I am kicking myself for not also photographing the rest of the check out area, manned by a couple of staff people. You'll have to take my word for it that there was no one else making any purchases in that area either. 

Maybe I'll be willing to take more heat in the future for wielding a camera in public if I want to do any more of this 'reporting' type stuff.  We'll see...

What I do know is that I asked the checker seen in this photo what was up with the long line at the return area and the fact that hardly anyone was in the store to make a purchase.  After she got over her initial obvious worry that I was some 'investigator' from corporate, she managed to give me some interesting info. 

The checker said that there is always some overspending from Christmas that turns into 'regret returning' after the first of the year.  But then she said that this year was worse than ever.

I thanked her for the information, letting her know that I was just a curious person.  I honestly thought at the time that I would only be using the pictures to show my husband and maybe a few friends what I had witnessed on that Tuesday afternoon.

But something has been telling me that I should share what I saw here.  And next time I see something like this I will ask more questions- like how many days had this been going on?  or how about, has there been an uptick in theft in the store?

I've always been fairly observant and I am interested in learning more about the truth of what is going on with our economy since I do not see any good information available out there right now.  I just know that it feels like the American people are being lied to and there are worse things than being seen as a nut job with a camera.

A Birthday Present To Myself

or... My Mother Told Me If I Ever Told Anyone, They'd Never Believe Me

...and now I have to tell the truth one more time.  Now I am ready to really let this go.

My mother was right about nobody believing me, for a long time.  Because I made sure she was right.

I've wanted to write about certain things for quite a while now.  But I hadn't figured out a way to do it without being negative.   I mean, yeah it's important to me to get things out there- mostly because it might just help someone else to not repeat certain things that are not so productive.  But then, being negative is just not all that productive either.

So I think I've found a way to do this without hitting the 'oh feel sorry for me' notes.  After all, that would defeat the purpose. 

So here goes...

I've been told by friends that I am one of the most honest people they know.  I value that appraisal so very much.  But it wasn't always that way.

There was a time when I was very small, so small that I don't even remember anything before that time, that I first faced the choice.  It was a choice between the truth and dangers that I perceived as even worse.  I have always been a super fast learner.  It didn't take me any time at all to see that lying was the only viable way to remain safe.

I wish that I could say that I didn't know any better.  That I was under the impression that everyone lived the way that I did.  It might have been easier in some ways if I had thought that way.  But that would be a lie.  Not only have I always been a super fast learner, I also have always had razor sharp perceptions.  I knew things I shouldn't know for my age way before my peers.  I knew and understood complex things without ever having them explained to me. 

From the very first time that I lied to cover up the ugly truth, I knew it was wrong.  Over the years, I felt myself disappearing into a hole where no one would ever be able to find me.  And certainly never be able to help me.  At the same time, I was continuously reminded of how fortunate I was to be living the life I had.  At some point, I think I believed that I was too lost to ever be found and unworthy of anything or anyone.  I hate to admit this, but I became brainwashed thoroughly enough that I finally gave in to the darkness.

I lied and lied and lied.  With a smile on my face.  I made certain that NOBODY ever knew what my life was really like.  I performed perfectly on cue.  It was Oscar worthy, really.  When somebody got suspicious, that's when I pulled out the big guns.  I made sure that every word, every motion, every nuance was perfectly positive in every way.  I eventually fooled myself as well.

For many, many years I honestly believed that the life I had was all that I would ever have.  I dreamed so small.  I did crazy things to make sure that I stayed stuck right where I was.  School was my only reprieve and I would count the hours every night until I could go back.  The weekends seemed endless and summer break was a kind of torture.  My charade was growing old and once in a while I allowed myself a close friendship, but never for very long.

It was not a real life.  And as I got older and more mature I realized that sooner or later this would have to end.  I just had no idea how to get out of the darkness, the insanity, the uncertainty.  Still, in the back of my mind there remained a bit of hope that never quite died, no matter how bad things got.

I did have chances to tell someone.  Over time I allowed more people into my world to some degree.  But I just never could bring myself to tell the whole truth.  I think I had actually forgotten exactly what the truth was.

I managed to move out of my mother's house and into an apartment with room mates.  And then to get married- all without truly facing my demons.  Why I didn't tell the truth at this point is beyond me.  There was no longer a tangible reason to hold back.  All I can say is that I had been well trained and complete control is a difficult bond to break.  The mind can be a funny thing with all its' myriad locks and keys.

One day, I experienced a change.  It was my 30th birthday.  I never saw it coming.  It was as if a dam had broken loose in me and the truth just would not stop flowing out.  All those years of lies bubbled up like a volcano.  I was done.  I wouldn't have it anymore.  It felt good and bad at the same time.  I was so embarrassed that it had taken me so long to get to that point.

I had to fight harder than I ever imagined to complete the process.  I needed to do things that I never imagined I would ever dream of doing.  Harsh things.  Things that cannot be undone.  The lies came back to haunt me.  My guilt was immense.  I had wasted so much time and broken people I loved.  Things would never be the same and I knew it.  And yet, there I was in the rubble- finally free.

I will never be able to explain completely why I didn't stop what was going on much sooner than I did.  I will never know why this one lesson was so hard for me to learn.  I will always be sorry for the people I lied to.  I will never be proud of how I took my husband down the rabbit hole with me.  I am still sorry I resented people who failed to help me, even though I made sure they wouldn't.  I hope that one day I am able to get over the fact that there were things I didn't see while I was still dealing with this that caused me to allow my nephew to be hurt.

I don't say these things so I can pile another guilt trip on myself.  I say it because I'm being honest and that finally feels right.  I started going through the motions of stopping the actions that were keeping me from being who I'm supposed to be 8 years ago.  It's been a long and difficult process.  And now, although it's not a perfect picture I present here, it's a real one.  And that's all I ever wanted. 

We're Still Not Moving & Now I Know Why

First of all, I want to thank everyone for all the positive comments about my husband's upcoming journey to health.  It's gonna' go well.  I just know it.  And one of these days I'm gonna' want abs just like the ones he's getting, only I'll have to pay for them...

We're expecting a pretty big snow storm over the next few days and I know I've mentioned before about how much I just love snow.  Not.  It already looks like this:

Beautiful, yes.  I'll leave it at that.  Let's keep it positive, right?

I'm thankful that we were able to get him in to have his CT today despite the snow covered giant Seattle hills.  This CT will help give more detailed info. so the doctor can decide on an actual surgical plan when we see her again on the 25th.  I have decided that I'm just going to take in what she tells us, allow it all to sink in, and then set it free to the universe.  That should put me in a good place to be ready to support my husband in the way that he will need in May when he actually gets the work done. 

In the mean time I have realized a few things (yeah, you can feel free to figuratively whack me over the head!)- As annoyed as I have been with waiting for our plans to move to Texas to come through, I can see some good reasons as to why they have not:   
1) It's a really good thing that we are in the position of my husband having been at his current job for a long time with good medical and paid time off for him to be able to recover fully.
2) It is so fortunate that I have awesome contacts and medical referrals through work I have done over the years.  It makes me feel much more confident about this whole thing. 
3) If we had moved to Texas last August when we truly believed we were going to, we might never have discovered our love of Palm Springs.  And that really has been such a wonderful surprise.
 

So yup, it is time for me to buck up and be thankful for how this is all working out.  As with anything, there is much to be gained by the attitude that we choose to have.

I believe this will be transformative for both my husband and I.  He is going to be healed physically, stronger than ever.  And he has already shown that he is well on his way to conquering any residual fears from his prior experience.  He's meeting this challenge like anything else that comes his way- with a smile on his face and a peaceful demeanor.  I continue to admire his fortitude of character. 

Meanwhile I am going to take this opportunity to face up to the fact that medical situations were more than just a little bit weird as I grew up and not allow myself to be further traumatized.  This time will be a positive.  My husband is the best reason ever to change my thoughts and feelings about this.  He deserves everything I have to give. 

So, with a little shout out to Robin over at YOUR DAILY DOSE, I'll end this by saying that I have seen yet again that the lessons really will keep coming until we get it.  That must be why they say it doesn't do any good to shoot the messenger!

The Truth About My Sister

Some blog posts are just so honest that it can be scary.  This is about to be one of those.  If that turns you off, sorry- this might be one you'd like to skip.  In real life, I am typically a pretty easy going person.  I think I have a pretty good grip on reality and I don't see my life as any better or worse than most.  However, this blog is a place where it feels safe to share what are sometimes not so pleasant aspects of my pretty normal life, so here goes...

Over the past couple of months, my nephew who I have written of many, many times before has been seeing a psychologist because of some behavioral issues that he has.  Over time it had become obvious that he is not quite up to the average for his age group in many ways.  Thankfully none of these ways involve a lack of IQ or mental capacity, but it is still quite important that he learn how to relate to the world in a relatively 'normal' way.  So on good recommendation from his teacher and councilor, off to the psychologist he went.

Now I will admit that I am a bit skeptical of the tendency to over diagnose.  It seems that almost everyone in this world is diagnosed with something these days.  Plus with the history that I have witnessed of way too many people in my family going to councilors and psyche doctors for years & years and never having improvement, you could say my expectations are never high for this kind of thing.  Still, I thought it would be worth a try.  And it turned out that right away I could tell that this psychologist was the real deal.  Once I got past her silly squeaky voice, I could tell that she meant well and wasn't there to just find a diagnosis.

My nephew did go through a bunch of testing and the psychologist met with several different family members several times before she gave us her opinion.  I have to admit I was very curious to see what she had to say and I have had a burning question in my mind about my nephew for the past few years so I was anxious to see what would come of this.

The question that I have never really faced is this:  Does my nephew have some sort of issue like ADHD, Aspergers, OCD- or is it purely an issue of the way that he was raised?

I think I know now why I never really wanted to face this question.

My nephew has been diagnosed with PTSD.  He is nine.  I am sad for him beyond words.

I am sad for the fact that he has been so traumatized that it has affected who he is and how he relates in everyday life.  I am sad that he is just another casualty in a family that just doesn't seem able to function at even a relatively normal level.  I am sad that the abuse that runs deep in my family couldn't have stopped with my sister and I.

How in the world does anybody have a crappy childhood and then turn around and do the same garbage to their own kids?  I know, I am one to talk.  I don't have any kids.

But I did have my sister- that I seriously pretty much raised from the time she was born when I was 8.  (I used to drop her off at daycare down the street on my way to 3rd grade.  My mother would call and wake me up and then I would get myself and my baby sister ready for the day.)  And at one time I thought that the love and values that I had shared with her would be enough to keep her from ever turning out like so many women in my family have.

There is my great grandmother who allowed a soldier who was staying in her home to rape her daughter, my grandmother.  My grandmother became a mother at 14 as a result of this.  And then went on to have 4 kids by the age of 19.  4 kids that she did absolutely horrendous things to.  Things like tying them to their bunk beds and whipping them with extension chords.  One of those kids was my mother, who once had a high heel shoe put through her skull.  My mother who ended up with Munchhausen by proxy and gained attention for having such 'sick' children.  One of those children, my sister, became a cutter and a drug addict and is also abusive. 

It seems that the women in my family are just truly sick and evil in so many ways.  Ways that petrified me growing up and made me wonder who and what I would turn out to be.  They were all addicts and abusers in turn.  Now my nephew is the latest in the line of victims.  Seeing him and how he is affected is very difficult.  It is like looking in a mirror in some ways.  In other ways, it is empowering.  I can see the results of this long line of abuse and I can see that there is a chance to change things.

While I am disgusted by the fact that this experience with my nephew seeing a psychologist has made me look at a hard truth about my sister and who she really is, I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and be a better person who is available to my nephew in a very special way.  I know that when the day comes that he just might share his deepest feelings with me, I will be there as a healthy and supportive person who can show him what life can be- no matter how it started out. 

I have a good friend who has told me that she is amazed at the transformation in me over the past couple of years.  She has declared that I am a whole new person.  She is religious and has declared me a person who has broken generational sin.  She tells me how inspiring this has been for her to see.  I have learned to take her compliments and use them for good instead of denying them.  I will use my experiences for the positive.  I will be someone that my nephew can always count on. 

a picture taken at the Newport, OR aquarium during one of my nephew and I's many wonderful adventures!

 

I will NOT allow my sadness that my sisters life is not what I had dreamed of for her to affect my nephews possibilities.  I am not 8 years old any more, trying to get a colicky baby to calm down while watching an after school special.  I did the best I could then and this life is not about the past.  Facing the truth doesn't have to be an exercise in futility.  I will always love my sister, though I doubt very much that I will ever fully understand her.  I may be sad that she will never really share the gift that she was meant to give of herself to the world.  But I promise to my nephew, Nathan, that I will not let my sadness take away from what I have to offer.  I will love him and comfort him and help him to grow, right where he's planted.  And one day I will tell him all about how I helped to transplant him to the spot where he's at.  I will share how much it meant to me to be a part of making his life a positive and how much helping him has absolutely changed my soul and allowed me to grow in ways I never could have imagined.