This Time It's Different

Where the heck have I been lately???

Ah, I have been scrubbing and painting and selling and trashing and planting and just plain getting this house ready to sell!

I had the first of many garage sales, that will end up with me having very little of what I currently own, last Friday.  I sold so much that I barely had anything to take to the Goodwill after the sale.

My husband has applied for a remote position with his current company just in case we have trouble with him getting another job in SoCal.  Either way, we have both agreed there will not be another winter spent here.  Nope, it's just not happening.  We'll probably have a more definitive answer as to exactly what job my husband will end up at in another month.  It sure would be nice if we weren't so darn responsible and were willing to just go without employment.  But these days, that's just not prudent...

All I know is that throughout this whole process of wanting and planning to move, we've never been more certain of a direction and a purpose.  So Southern California it will be.  And I am still in shock as to how good this feels and how right it all seems.  Although Texas is a place that feels welcoming and wonderful, I am now feeling that Southern California is a place that has always lived in my heart.  I know I need to experience living there, at least for a while.  It's not simply a coincidence that we ended up with a second home in Southern California.  And our hearts literally ache every time we leave our place in Palm Springs.  Now it's time to make SoCal our full time home.  (Yes, all words of not being willing to do such a thing are being eaten as you read this!)

What I long to be closer to......

Now for another thing that's different this time around.  This one is not so much fun, but honestly to be expected. 

My sister went to prison last Thursday to serve out her time.  She failed in the drug rehab and was caught lying to the drug court judge.  She won't be spared this time.

Of course I am disappointed, but again not surprised.  As my nephew so appropriately commented:  "Why can't she just do what she's supposed to?"

I'm sure I will have deeper feelings about this at some point.  Honestly, right now, I have just accepted the fact that this is who she is.  For now, I feel stronger than ever that moving on from my sisters drama is the healthiest thing to do.

And in that direction, I shall head back to my moving related tasks.  Heck, at least it keeps me busy enough not to cry at all the government overreach that is currently scaring the hell out of me!

How about you?  What's up in your world?  Are you headed in a new direction?

A Clever Judge

Today was the day.  The sentence came down for my sister.

'Wooden Judge Gavel' by Kittisak, found at freedigitalphotos.net

You may recall that she was originally offered a plea deal of 3 years (-with only 1 of those years being hard time).  Of course that would have entailed an admission of guilt.  So yeah, let's just say it wasn't happening...

Today she received a sentence of 5 years hard time- no possibility of early release and time must run consecutive to any other sentence she receives from other counties where she will also be tried for her crimes.

While this may sound harsh, it is actually well within the realm of what was to be expected and not overly unfair in any way.

The judge then added on an interesting twist.

He allowed for the first 18 months of the sentence to be converted into an in-house drug rehabilitation with daily sobriety checks and then offered that if my sister could get and stay clean for this 18 month period, then the rest of the sentence would be suspended and served as probation.

However, if she tests positive for any drug substance during this time, then her hard time starts from that date- even if she is caught with drugs in her system on the last day of this 18 month period. 

The judge explained to her that there is now no in between.  She is to get and remain sober and commit no more crimes against society or she is to be in prison.  No exceptions.  He also explained to her that he would not be offering any perimeters for the other 2 counties to follow.  If they did not offer her anything other than hard time, then so be it.  If she chooses not to take plea deals in those cases she may not be so fortunate as to find herself with any second chances, of this kind or any other.

I must say that I am personally amazed that the judge offered her any way out of this at all.    And while I am grateful that there is some hope that she may take this opportunity and use it for what it is, I will not be holding my breath waiting for my sister to get her act together.

I am going to take this time to get even stronger. I need to keep my head about me, no matter what my sister chooses for her life.  No amount of suffering or cajoling is going to change her.  She is going to do what she chooses to do.  And my life cannot be exchanged for hers.  Me being stressed out or sad will never make her life anything other than what she chooses it to be, no matter what.

Peaceful Journey by Federico Stevanin, found at freedigitalphotos.net

My Heart Hurts

"Heart Sinking Into Sea" by Stuart Miles, found at freedigitalphotos.net

One week from today my sister will be sentenced for her crimes.
I'm not sure if I'm more sad that my sister still somehow believes that she is going to outsmart the system- she has now sent out letters to family and friends declaring that she will soon be out of jail- or if I am more heart heavy over the fact that I hope there is absolutely no chance that she is right.

I spoke with a client yesterday that just knew that I was kind of in a funk, even though most things in my life have been better than ever as of lately.  I appreciated that she let me just talk about how I feel.  It felt good to be listened to and acknowledged.
It helps to know that it really is OK to wish for understanding even from people you will never get it from.

It's OK to wish and then to let it go.  Which is a whole lot better than what I want to do sometimes.

Although I hate to admit it, sometimes I just want to be angry and scream at my sister and ask her what she thinks it feels like for me to have my only sibling be living the life that she does...

At the same time, it absolutely feels selfish to taint my own good life direction with these rotten feelings and yet- I am human.  I can't help but care about what happens to my sister, even though she doesn't seem to have a very good plan for herself.  It's OK to know that her path in life is not going to be what I want for her.  It's OK to keep a little bit of hope and still face the reality that what I hope for is not a very likely outcome.

Over the past 8 months, waiting for my sister's case to be concluded, the song below has been a source of strength for me.  Yes it's actually a break up song, but some of the lyrics are so hauntingly appropriate for my situation.



What gives you strength when things get ugly?  What's the best outcome that you've ever seen from the worst situation?  How do you personally learn to accept things that seem completely unacceptable?

The Answers And Peace That I Need

As I stared at a blank screen for the longest time, I went back to view my blog and found a new comment on my last post.  The comment was from Loretta and it got me out of my funk and into finally writing this post that really I guess I have just been avoiding and yet I so need to write.

So I'll start with this:  Christmas was probably the best one we have had around here in at least a few years.  There was no family drama requiring a visit from the sheriff- Ha!  We were blessed to get our gifts early in the form of our fun new puppy and our Palm Springs condo.  I even took a chance and told Santa about how much I want to move to Texas.  He made no promises, but hey it never hurts to try!  We also received some of the best surprise news that we could ever have gotten when we found out that my husband passed his latest actuarial exam- which we were totally NOT expecting.  Yes, one of those exams that require study of at least 300 hours of stuff like this:

With the passage of this particular exam, it puts my husband in a very good position to be a real live actuary by November of this year!!!!!!  We never thought he would pass so quickly as this exam is one many people get stuck on and take over and over.  And really, he just didn't have a good feeling about it.  What a fabulous and welcome surprise.  This also means that as soon as he gets his credential, I will get to start those pilot lessons I've said that I am meaning to take!

So many wonderful things....  My heart is just full of thankfulness.  I can't believe how blessed we are during such a time of turmoil all around us- in the world, in our country and right here at home.

You see, I don't want to seem ungrateful.  I strive to be content and yet grow in life.  I know we ought not dwell on the things that are not as we would like and that many things are out of our control as human beings. 

And yet some things are too big to ignore. 

My sister is still in jail.  I have discovered that she is in need of more help and rehabilitation than I ever imagined.  She is addicted to every form of bad behavior and wrong choice that there is.  She is a very sad and sick person that has destroyed so much for so many.

She has been offered a combination of incarceration/rehab/work release of 3 years and is otherwise facing 5-10 years in prison.  She still believes she can somehow 'beat the system' and has refused the 3 year deal.

I am trying hard to swallow the fact that I actually agree with her in that she should not take the 3 year deal.  I don't think she should take it because I feel that she needs a lot LONGER in custody to keep society at large safe and to give herself any chance at all of actually changing her life for the better.

I can't help feeling like a big ol' bitch of an older sister who has so much in this life and yet would wish her little sister such a tough row to hoe.  I don't mean it that way and I know in my heart that people understand that. 

I need to look at this as an opportunity to expand my vision of what positive change can be. 

And I will. 

In time, I will accept whatever is meant to be for my sister and I will put it all into proper perspective as soon as my heart allows. 

Image found at: posterenvy.com

Thanks Randy Travis; I Feel Much Better

Good Lord, there IS always a bright side, isn't there?!

At least my sister was wasn't neked as a jaybird when she was arrested on Friday... 

 

Randy Travis arrested for DWI; buck naked in car crash, threatened troopers: report 

Bust marks second alcohol-related arrest this year for country star Randy Travis

Grayson County Sheriff's Office

Randy Travis in his August mug shot.

Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/randy-travis-arrested-dwi-buck-naked-car-crash-threatened-troopers-report-article-1.1131533#ixzz22zDrfyqL

For My Sister, On The Occasion Of Her 30th Birthday

My dear sister,

I have thought about you many, many times over the last few weeks.  I think about you a lot.  But more so recently, as you approach this milestone of your 30th birthday. 

In my mind, I've gone all the way back to the you I knew as a baby.  I won't lie.  I wasn't thrilled when you arrived on the scene.  I was 8 years old and knew enough even then to realize that bringing your poor little soul into the mix wasn't going to be a good thing.  I was selfish.  I didn't want to have one more thing to take care of.  I felt overloaded.  I think you knew that, even then.  You were fussy, colicky, and rarely smiled.  You managed to have your voice heard even as an infant.  I realize now that you were trying to teach me to speak up at all costs. 

In grade school you were such a spitfire.  You hit your teacher in kindergarten because she embarrassed you in front of the class.  Not one year went by without you being suspended for something or other.  You had a permanent frown on your face.  You didn't believe in hiding behind the walls of lies that I was helping to so carefully construct.  You taught me that truth is the ultimate freedom and that no amount of smoothing over will ever really make things better.

During your high school years I felt that we were really starting to communicate on a higher level.  I wasn't living with the family any more and it seemed that this made us able to speak openly about our home situation for the first time.  You seemed to have the self esteem that I lacked.  You refused to wear anything but the best.  No garage sale or thrift store stuff for you.  You were really beginning to succeed in all the ways that I had secretly wished for all along.  I really believed that you would somehow come out unscathed.  I had so much wrapped up in who you were going to be.  Far too much, it turns out.  I have learned that nobody can handle that level of pressure- especially not a young girl who came from where we came from.

By your senior year, everything had come tumbling to the ground in a massive heap.  I was so angry with you.  I felt like everything I had ever done for you was being thrown back in my face.  I felt so defeated as I watched your life unwind.  You threw away your Navy enlistment.  You ran away to live in a drug flop house.  You tossed everything valuable about yourself into a flaming inferno and watched it burn.  You almost seemed to enjoy it.   You were not me and I should have seen that.  I am so sorry that I believed you could just get through it all and manage to make a life for yourself once you were finally freed, as I did.  I didn't get it then that you only wanted desperately to have your own life, make your own choices- something I have come to appreciate on such a deep level.

As the years have gone by and we have grown further and further apart, you have let me know many times that you feel as if I judge you for the life that you have chosen.   I must admit that the life you live scares me.  It is sad and dangerous and far closer to repeating the life we had as kids than I ever would have imagined for you.  I could tell you that I want better for you, that you deserve so much more.  I'm aware now that this is not my place.  My desires for your life are simply that; mine. 

People often saw me as the 'smart' one and yet you got the lesson so much quicker than I did.  There is no value in living your life for others and what they would have you be.  Part of me is still that selfish 8 year old, but I am learning.  Life is not about covering up the imperfections.  Rather we should embrace them.  It is only then that we can manage to make any kind of real choices about whether or not we will keep or change the things that make us who we are.

On this your 30th birthday, I will thank you for the lessons you have bestowed upon me and wish you everything it is that your life is meant to be.  And mean it, without reservation.

The Truth About My Sister

Some blog posts are just so honest that it can be scary.  This is about to be one of those.  If that turns you off, sorry- this might be one you'd like to skip.  In real life, I am typically a pretty easy going person.  I think I have a pretty good grip on reality and I don't see my life as any better or worse than most.  However, this blog is a place where it feels safe to share what are sometimes not so pleasant aspects of my pretty normal life, so here goes...

Over the past couple of months, my nephew who I have written of many, many times before has been seeing a psychologist because of some behavioral issues that he has.  Over time it had become obvious that he is not quite up to the average for his age group in many ways.  Thankfully none of these ways involve a lack of IQ or mental capacity, but it is still quite important that he learn how to relate to the world in a relatively 'normal' way.  So on good recommendation from his teacher and councilor, off to the psychologist he went.

Now I will admit that I am a bit skeptical of the tendency to over diagnose.  It seems that almost everyone in this world is diagnosed with something these days.  Plus with the history that I have witnessed of way too many people in my family going to councilors and psyche doctors for years & years and never having improvement, you could say my expectations are never high for this kind of thing.  Still, I thought it would be worth a try.  And it turned out that right away I could tell that this psychologist was the real deal.  Once I got past her silly squeaky voice, I could tell that she meant well and wasn't there to just find a diagnosis.

My nephew did go through a bunch of testing and the psychologist met with several different family members several times before she gave us her opinion.  I have to admit I was very curious to see what she had to say and I have had a burning question in my mind about my nephew for the past few years so I was anxious to see what would come of this.

The question that I have never really faced is this:  Does my nephew have some sort of issue like ADHD, Aspergers, OCD- or is it purely an issue of the way that he was raised?

I think I know now why I never really wanted to face this question.

My nephew has been diagnosed with PTSD.  He is nine.  I am sad for him beyond words.

I am sad for the fact that he has been so traumatized that it has affected who he is and how he relates in everyday life.  I am sad that he is just another casualty in a family that just doesn't seem able to function at even a relatively normal level.  I am sad that the abuse that runs deep in my family couldn't have stopped with my sister and I.

How in the world does anybody have a crappy childhood and then turn around and do the same garbage to their own kids?  I know, I am one to talk.  I don't have any kids.

But I did have my sister- that I seriously pretty much raised from the time she was born when I was 8.  (I used to drop her off at daycare down the street on my way to 3rd grade.  My mother would call and wake me up and then I would get myself and my baby sister ready for the day.)  And at one time I thought that the love and values that I had shared with her would be enough to keep her from ever turning out like so many women in my family have.

There is my great grandmother who allowed a soldier who was staying in her home to rape her daughter, my grandmother.  My grandmother became a mother at 14 as a result of this.  And then went on to have 4 kids by the age of 19.  4 kids that she did absolutely horrendous things to.  Things like tying them to their bunk beds and whipping them with extension chords.  One of those kids was my mother, who once had a high heel shoe put through her skull.  My mother who ended up with Munchhausen by proxy and gained attention for having such 'sick' children.  One of those children, my sister, became a cutter and a drug addict and is also abusive. 

It seems that the women in my family are just truly sick and evil in so many ways.  Ways that petrified me growing up and made me wonder who and what I would turn out to be.  They were all addicts and abusers in turn.  Now my nephew is the latest in the line of victims.  Seeing him and how he is affected is very difficult.  It is like looking in a mirror in some ways.  In other ways, it is empowering.  I can see the results of this long line of abuse and I can see that there is a chance to change things.

While I am disgusted by the fact that this experience with my nephew seeing a psychologist has made me look at a hard truth about my sister and who she really is, I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and be a better person who is available to my nephew in a very special way.  I know that when the day comes that he just might share his deepest feelings with me, I will be there as a healthy and supportive person who can show him what life can be- no matter how it started out. 

I have a good friend who has told me that she is amazed at the transformation in me over the past couple of years.  She has declared that I am a whole new person.  She is religious and has declared me a person who has broken generational sin.  She tells me how inspiring this has been for her to see.  I have learned to take her compliments and use them for good instead of denying them.  I will use my experiences for the positive.  I will be someone that my nephew can always count on. 

a picture taken at the Newport, OR aquarium during one of my nephew and I's many wonderful adventures!

 

I will NOT allow my sadness that my sisters life is not what I had dreamed of for her to affect my nephews possibilities.  I am not 8 years old any more, trying to get a colicky baby to calm down while watching an after school special.  I did the best I could then and this life is not about the past.  Facing the truth doesn't have to be an exercise in futility.  I will always love my sister, though I doubt very much that I will ever fully understand her.  I may be sad that she will never really share the gift that she was meant to give of herself to the world.  But I promise to my nephew, Nathan, that I will not let my sadness take away from what I have to offer.  I will love him and comfort him and help him to grow, right where he's planted.  And one day I will tell him all about how I helped to transplant him to the spot where he's at.  I will share how much it meant to me to be a part of making his life a positive and how much helping him has absolutely changed my soul and allowed me to grow in ways I never could have imagined.