A Little Good News...

...which we could all use these days.

It is hard to believe that it has been almost 2 years since my nephew Nathan was finally transferred into the full time custody of his father.  He has done nothing but flourish amazingly since then!!!

When Nathan moved in with his Dad he was 8 years old.  He didn't know how to use eating utensils properly.  He had zero social skills at all.  He rarely attended school.  I actually felt pretty sorry for the teacher that inherited Nathan as a student mid-year even though Nathan has always been a bright boy.  I knew it couldn't have been easy to take on a charismatic red head that was easily the most disruptive kid on the block!

My how things have changed!  Nathan's Dad has worked very hard to give Nathan a better life.  And last night Nathan's Dad called me to let me know that at his recent teacher/parent conference, the teacher told him that Nathan is one of his favorite students!  Now, I know that I am biased.  However, I couldn't be more pleased to find out that the absolute 'wonderfulness' that is Nathan is shining through! 

A Twist Of Friendship

A couple of posts back, I wrote the words:  "When someone finally accepts that you really have changed for the better, they become changed as well."

Now here's a little story to go along with that.

I have a 20 year high school class reunion coming up.  I have several friends that I still hang out with on a regular basis from that high school.  We have done a bit of talking about this upcoming reunion.

One particular person keeps making it clear that she is not going to be putting any effort whatsoever into her appearance for said upcoming reunion.  I mean to the point of ridiculous.  Defensive much?!  Yeah OK, I'll admit that the gang may or may not often refer to her as 'D' and her name doesn't even start with that letter.  Anyway...

All of a sudden it hit me that she is feeling like absolute crap about herself these days.  She is probably at her highest weight ever, her husband is showing more than ever that he is the absolute ass that I've always said he is and her family is currently ripping apart at the seams.  Her self esteem is clearly at an all time low.  This person really could not be under any more stress than she currently is.

Now, there was a time when I would have been right there with her on so many levels.  No, my husband has never been and never will be capable of being any kind of ass hat, but otherwise my life has been more than full of lousy relatives and I have had years with enough weight and poor self esteem to drag down just about anybody. 

Yup, you guessed it.  For many years we were close friends because we had so much lousy baggage in common. 

And then I started to see that I didn't deserve the life that I had.  I opened my eyes to the idea that things could be different, truly different.  I suddenly decided that I was ready to move on in a big way and I did.  I picked myself up, dusted myself off and absolutely changed my life in so many ways.  I dropped any 'feel sorry for me' attitude.  I determined that I did not have to be what the past dictated.  I learned that the things my family had imprinted on me were garbage and I tossed it.  I also dumped about 50 pounds. 

During this time, my friend 'D' went behind my back and tried to befriend the people that I decided were no longer good for me.  She said and did nasty things.  She lied to me. 

I stepped away from her for a while and was very sad and angry with her.  And yet... I did not do the things that I used to when stuff like this came up- stuff like feeling worthless, emotional eating, neglecting myself and trying desperately to fix things.  Instead I stood back and let the chips fall where they may.  I trusted that things would work out as they should and even dreamed of a day when this person 'D' and I could be friends again instead of declaring that I was done with her and her crap, which of course is what I really wanted to do at the time.

But I knew something in my heart of hearts about her that someone else might not have gotten so clearly.  Because basically at one time I had been her.  I was once bitter and angry and self loathing.  And I knew that inside her there was much more than the defensive person that she often displays.

I never did even bother to confront her on all the nastiness that had gone down.  Because I have actually changed myself, I don't need to.  There is no doubt that she can see where I am now and who I have become.  She has made it clear to me in her own way that she appreciates the changes I have been able to make, wishes she could do it too and is so happy that I haven't shoved it back in her face. 

I am just here for my friend who is still hurting and going through some tough times.  I am confident that she will eventually come out the other side.  I don't just put up with her negativity and allow her to step on me.  But I also don't judge her for where she's at right now.  We were friends way before she hit this really rough spot and we'll be friends way after she gets through it.  And when she does I will be right here and we will both be better off for having remained as friends. 

I can sense that my friend knows that the changes that happened in me are real and that she too could one day be where I'm at.  Just as we dragged our baggage right along side each other at one time, I am looking forward to the day that we will both be free of it as well. 

Choosing Not To Change

There are times in life when one simply must change.  And most of the time change is difficult, but at least eventually worth it.  Some changes are obviously major and others start out small and sometimes become surprising large in the end. 

One clear example of this is when a family welcomes a child.  I can't really think of anything that brings more change.  I just got back from a maternity photo shoot for a couple who have been trying to have a baby for 7 years and finally are within 2 weeks of delivery!  They are excited and are meeting this big change with happy hearts and willing souls.  I loved being able to share and capture this thrilling time with them. 

In the latest chapter of my own life, things have gotten pretty shaken up.  And mostly, much for the better.  I have written about some of that here on this blog.  Lately though, I have had an interesting relationship with change in some ways.  In my effort to be open to all that is available to me in this life, I have tried not to pass judgement too quickly on opportunities to change even if they are a bit uncomfortable.  I have 'tried on a decision' for a while before really deciding what I would do in a situation.  This is not the norm for me.  I am typically very decisive and don't look back nor regret the decisions I make.  This has turned out to be a pretty good experience for me overall.  

Still, there are a few things that have popped up that I have noticed that I just do not wish to change.  Even if there are benefits, sometimes we as humans just don't decide to change certain things.  One of those for me is the way that I speak.  While I know in my heart of hearts that sometimes my voice is too loud or carries too far in certain social situations, I also know that I am not going to change this about myself.  Sometimes people shush me or tell me to quiet down in some way, especially older folks.  It doesn't happen often, but it has happened enough that I have taken notice.  When I do try to adjust my voice in these situations and appease certain people I end up resentful and feel as if I cannot truly express myself.  I just haven't been able to find a good balance that pleases everyone and still allows me to communicate freely.  I could use the excuse that I grew up very squelched and limited in what was allowed of me.  I could say that my voice is bubbly and exuberant and that these people must be stuffy old folks.  The truth is some people are going to be offended by the volume and manner in which I choose to communicate.  And I'm O.K. with that.  Way more O.K. than I am with trying to change something about myself that I actually like.  I like it that I don't have to be asked to speak up.  I like it that I'm not shy.  While I am not usually inappropriate to the point of obnoxious, I do like being a person, especially a woman, who doesn't generally hold back. 

That's really what it's all about isn't it?  One isn't likely to change something that doesn't hold the promise of any real benefit for themselves.  The old cost/benefit analysis...  It's funny how some things just come down to that, don't they? 

What things have you ever faced and chosen not to change, and why?