Don't Fear The Hurt

As our plans to get to Southern California have heated up this Spring, I have noticed that I have been subconsciously holding back in other areas of my life.  Specifically, with certain friends who I guess I have deemed as being 'too fragile' to handle hanging out and having fun with me just as I am truly planning to leave.
One friend mentioned to me that she understands just how difficult it is to manage deep attachments while simultaneously letting go.  She hit the nail on the head.

Hammer And Nails by mrpuen, found at: freedigitalphotos.net

I have lived in this area of the country my entire life.  I have some friends whom I have known since before I started school.  These are actually the friends that I have had the least trouble with remaining close to, even as I go through the process of moving away.  I think I've known that we've been through enough as lifelong friends to know that we will make it in keeping contact, even when I am far away.  It seems to be the newer friends- the good neighbors, the friends I've only had for a few years that have been the sticking point for me.  I have been avoiding them and keeping my distance.
I've realized that I have been holding back because I think I've felt that it's wrong to get close to people that you don't have that much history with and then just pick up and leave them behind.  I've also realized that I'm being hurtful by suddenly pulling back my attention and time, just to supposedly keep these people from being hurt.
Being afraid of hurting people has led me to be hurtful- even though I never meant to be.
Sometimes it's just tough to do the right thing.  And sometimes people get hurt.  But I've come to see that spending time laughing, playing cards and making memories is not wrong.

Playing Cards by foto76 found at: freedigitalphotos.net

People deserve whatever you've got to give them, for however long you can.  And I can't know if those connections are going to last beyond 1,200 miles or if they will simply be pleasant experiences for today.  And that's OK.

A Funny From A Friend

Since I have maintained a 50 lb. weight loss for the last 3 and 1/2 years, I haven't spent a whole lot of time or energy looking for new clothes.  It's easy to justify clothing purchases when things don't fit, but it's a bit trickier when you stay the same size.  Now, I have finally gotten to a place where it is truly necessary to buy some new stuff.  Even though I have wanted to lose just a touch more (maybe 5-10 lbs.) I really can't wait any longer to get some new clothing.  I have literally worn through most of my favorite things at this point.  Seriously, this stuff is no longer fit for public consumption!

So I took an old shopping buddy along with me to help me find at least some pants that would work better than the 'holey' and threadbare ones that I currently own.

"Shopping Ladies Walking", by Sattva

 found at: freedigitalphotos.net

I ended up leaving the store with a killer swimsuit instead.  (Ok, so guys reading this will be wondering how the heck this could happen while shopping for pants, while the ladies know exactly how this happened.)  The woman at the checkout even mentioned that the suit was her favorite one ever. 

So after hitting up a couple more stores and not finding any pants at all, I went home a little frustrated.  Even my old standby, the Goodwill, wasn't helping me out here.

Then I got a text from my shopping buddy that made me smile.  It read:  It's a sign.  A sign that YOU will be spending more time in the sun.  Pants?  Who needs pants?!  Not YOU!

Traditions Revisited

'Christmas Background Design', Stock image, freedigitalphotos.net

Somehow, this is the year.  After almost 20 years removed from a totally different life that was never of my choosing and 10 years away from the very last vestiges of said 'other' life, I am finally ready to come full circle in accepting some good things that do exist from that life.

But isn't that the thing?  Always learning that nothing and no one are all good or all bad....

I'm still working on that.

This Christmas time it has all manifested in a feeling of acceptance that is washing over me.  A feeling that I will pass along some of what I am to my loved ones and that those parts of me that came from those I was influenced by, in one way or another, will make something worthwhile to share.

In my effort to embrace this idea that I can glean the good out and keep those things, I have found such peace.  It is a gift of great proportions.

Although so many of my childhood friends and their families are pretty much either incarcerated, dead or lost in some other way, I have figured out that I carry so much of what is good and wonderful and true about them.  And I can use my super sharp memory to pick and choose the great parts and keep them, close to my heart.

This year I am revisiting old recipes, Christmas memories, silly fun times, loyalty known only to those who share a certain kind of life; really just the simple things that are true of all human beings no matter what the situation.  It's like a sweet secret in my heart that allows me to bridge some of the old life with the new that is so absolutely different.  It's fun to know that the good stuff can always remain, no matter what.  And people are people- and there's good in them.  Always.



stock images of cookies, found at: freedigitalphotos.net

I wish a true peace this Christmas season, for anyone who shares my life now and to those who have influenced who I am and will be.

Humble Pie

I know I blog an awful lot about places that my husband and I travel to.  You might think that means that we never encounter money issues.  The truth would be far from that.  Oh yes, we have our fair share of budgeting woes just like everyone else, as I mentioned in my last blog entry at: http://ayellowroseoftexas.blogspot.com/2011/11/why-we-maybe-dont-take-our-sweet.html
Sure, most of the time our finances can cover most things we need and even some things we want.  With a lot of hard work, especially on the part of my husband, and some pretty tight purse strings we do what neither of our families ever taught us to do.  We live below our means almost all the time. 
We save and scrimp and do special things only for special occasions.  We rarely ever eat at restaurants.  We don't have fancy cell phones.  Entertainment is kept to what we can actually, truly afford.  We don't buy the latest or greatest.  Electronics in our house are almost always way out of date (-like the one and only computer that we have ever owned is this laptop, circa 2007 that I get to write these blog entries on and read others wonderful stuff for which I am so grateful!)  Our one caveat is travel.  We would rather do that than anything else, so we budget accordingly.
And yet, there is my husband who as I have mentioned before is ultra generous- sometimes to a fault.  Sometimes until it hurts a bit in the household budget. 
Well.....
Last year we decided it was finally time for my husband to have a new car.  He was driving a 14 year old Ford Escort.  It was starting to nickel and dime us in the form of $300-$500 repairs every few months and some more major stuff was clearly on the way.  Neither my husband or I are handy enough with cars and we don't have any car fix-it type friends.  So, we decided to sell the car. 
A funny thing happened while I was in the process of putting it on Craigslist.  A very good friend told me that she would really like to buy it.  She was truly in need of a car and has friends that could help her fix it up.  But of course, she had no money.  You guessed it.  This is where my husbands generosity comes in.  My oldest friend and my husband worked out a deal.  She would make small payments to us for the next year and be finished with them by September 2011. 
Fast forward 6 months, and suddenly my friend can't continue to make even small payments to us.  Her husband is very sick.  She has 4 kids.  My husband is more than happy to write off her debt.
I hold my tongue.  It's really not my business.  And...I actually agreed with my husband that it was best to forgive this debt.  My friendship is worth way more than the money and my husband and I would never have loaned it if we couldn't afford to lose it.  So we told my friend not to worry about the debt and not another word was ever said about it.
Well...
Guess who just surprised me by paying back every last dime?  My friend and her husband received a large settlement from the VA and she really felt strongly about paying us back.
So... my husbands generosity ended up making it so we would be paid back just in time to cover his over zealous generosity from last weekend. 
I gotta' admit it.  I'm a little peeved... but damn I love that man!

When I'm Bad I'm So So Bad

Today's post is brought to you by a little exchange that I had with Candance over at Crazy Texas Mommy.  She was cookin' up a storm during the recent snow in Texas and I saw a recipe of hers that I needed and offered her one of mine in return. 
That brought up some interesting memories, which brought me to this post.  Somehow everything reminds me of something else...

When I was a kid, I moved a lot.  One of the places I lived in was at the end of a block, on the corner.  At the other end of the block there was another little girl who it turned out I had something in common with.  Both of our mothers had just given birth to our first siblings when we were both 8 years old.  And, coincidentally, it turns out our moms both had better things to do with their time than raise said siblings so this girl and I were the only 8-year-olds raisin' babies around.  Of course, we became quite close.
It turns out that there is one problem with this whole scenario.  (Besides, the obvious one.)  When you meet someone who is doing something that you are doing that is fairly rare, it seems you inevitably find out that there's not a whole lot else that you do really have in common.
Over the years I did try quite valiantly to keep my ties with this girl in tact.  Way more than I should have, it turns out.  Way after I figured out that the things we did not have in common were so much more important than the things we did.  Anyway, I kept in touch with her off and on for about 25 years.  She ended up living in B.C. Canada.  I guess it was a good thing she wasn't closer as many of the phone calls we shared were when she was in a mental hospital.  Or times she should have been but wasn't. 
I look at this situation now knowing that the things I learned were priceless, but the price of learning them was a little too much.  There were good things that I got out of this whole scene, but I'm not sure I couldn't have obtained them in some other fashion.  Sometimes the price to play is just too high.
So, to pass along to you one small thing that I got from this that I feel kind of embodies the whole shebang within the confines of a very tasty treat, I give you this:

Nanaimo Bars (pronounced Na-Ni-Mo, named after a place in B.C. Canada)

Yield 2 dozen (you will so regret that it doesn't make more) 

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup butter
• 1/4 cup white sugar
• 5 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 egg
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 2 cups graham cracker crumbs
• 1 cup shredded coconut
• 1/2 cup chopped walnuts
• 1/4 cup butter
• 2 cups confectioners' sugar
• 2 tablespoons instant vanilla pudding mix
• 3 tablespoons milk
• 4 (1 ounce) squares semisweet chocolate, chopped
• 1 tablespoon butter

Directions

1.     Mix 1/2 cup butter, white sugar, cocoa, egg and vanilla in a heavy sauce pan or double boiler. Stir over low heat until mixture is of custard like consistency.

2.     Combine graham crackers, coconut and walnuts and add to the melted mixture. Mix well and pack into buttered 9 inch square cake pan.

3.     Cream 1/4 cup butter, confectioners' sugar, vanilla custard powder and milk. Beat until creamy and spread over melted base.

4.     Refrigerate till hardened.

5.     Melt semi-sweet chocolate with 1 tablespoon butter and drizzle over custard icing. Refrigerate. When totally hard cut into square bars.

These suckers are so good that they will haunt you.  Kind of like that friendship did for me.  I really only make them for Christmas, but my husband actually asked me just the other day if somehow there were not some still left over in the back of the refrigerator somewhere.   After I had first tried these up north of the border I had always wanted to find a good recipe for them.  Now that I have, it is oh so dangerous.

Christmas Miracles

Many of you have followed my family drama with considerable understanding and care.  I so appreciate your thoughts and I know I have felt the effects of your prayers.  While I do not intend to use this blog as a pity party, I also realize that dealing with my family is part of my personal growth process.  Hence, when stuff comes up, I must deal with it as part of what brings me to where I am going.  Figuratively and literally.  That being said, today's post is a good example of what I mean.

Along with much of the baggage that I have dropped over this past year, I seem to have found new eyes and a new heart for so many things in my life.  And the Christmas season seems to be the epitome of this phenomenon for me. 
A few days ago, I got a phone call from my nephew's father.  He told me that my sister had asked him to come and sign papers to transfer custody.  I was in such shock.  Something I had been wishing for, for so long, was finally coming to pass.  (For those who have not followed this- in a nutshell, my sister is addicted to prescription pain meds. Along with the fact that doing drugs is harmful to the act of raising children, she also got into some deep trouble with how she obtained said drugs, resulting in a coming prison sentence.  She has been fighting logic and not wanting to allow my nephew to live with his father.)  Of course, I couldn't believe this was actually happening so I had to wait until all i's were dotted and t's were crossed before I would even breathe a word of it to anyone.  Now it is official.  My nephew, Nathan, is living with his father- long term.  I am so happy and grateful.  My sister finally did something completely unselfish.  I believe this had to be a difficult decision and I know that somewhere inside she is truly hurting.  I can only hope that the hurt now will result in growth and less pain later.  It is not a good idea for me to contact my sister at this moment so I just want to put it out there in the universe that I love my sister and I thank her for this beautiful gift.
Having some respite from the long battle for my nephew's childhood has certainly added to an overall new ease that has come over me this December.  I have always enjoyed Christmas.  However, it seems to have been in spite of many things, rather than because of them.  My family was always good at presenting a lovely picture.  But holidays meant everything was tinged with anger.  As much as I never meant to take any of that into my own life and the way I celebrate, it is tough to break habits.  No matter how badly you want to.  This year, I have spent time getting reacquainted with old friends.  I have been able to enjoy the Christmas carols without feeling as if they are pushing me too roughly toward an inevitable test of my ability to perform under pressure.  I've done things in an easier way and it feels good.  My sister was right when she reminded me last year that, 'it doesn't have to be perfect'.  Decorating and celebrating have finally become more joyous and less burdensome. 
I'm only sorry that the time is short in a different way.  But maybe it doesn't have to be.  I've made plans to go away to a warm weather place for New Years.  And us uncharacteristic as it is for me, I have not made plans for what I will do or see when I get there.  I may actually be able to keep a bit of what Christmas is supposed to be all about, to share with my future.  I have made the connection in a real way this year, that you can't rely on others for your own happiness.  Sure, I always knew this rationally.  But those darn habits brought on by family ties have rarely led me to any sort of rational place.  And I have to admit that holidays can be an especially tough time to stop the cycle, no matter how good I am at living well in other aspects of my life.  Now I really know that Mom wasn't unhappy because I wasn't good enough and I really never had the ability to save my sister from herself.  People have to make their own happiness.  And this year, I'm not faking it.  That is no small miracle.



Vows & Whispers

Last weekend, I went to the beautiful autumn-themed wedding of a long-time family friend.  (What a great opportunity to put one of those dresses in the back of my closet, with tags still on them to use!)   I was there on behalf of the bride.  Her oldest brother was one of my best friends in high school and his sister became a little sister to me.  These people have been in my life for about 15 years. 
This bride is very blessed.  She comes from an absolutely fabulous family.  I remember hanging out at their house as much as possible, just drinking in the acceptance and love that this family offered to everyone that came through their door.  This family is not what you would expect from their outside image.  Their stats don't speak for who they really are. 
Upon meeting these people, the first thing you notice is that there are more of them than in an average size family.  There are eight children, making them a family of ten.  The next obvious thing about them is that the father in the family is a pastor of a church.  These two aspects alone make most people jump to certain stereotypical conclusions.  These people do not fit the mold for a typical church family.
Over the countless hours I've spent with this family, I learned many surprising things.  I found out that the mother is seriously funny.  She is a spitfire.  She loves beer and pizza, especially while playing Rummy.  She puts her family first, but never loses herself.  She blew off her college graduation ceremony to run off and get married because she felt that it wouldn't be right to wear white for the ceremony if she waited much longer!  It turns out that this family ended up with eight kids, not by design but, because they had some serious birth control failures which they have joked about on occasion.  Each of these eight kids was given the mental and physical room they needed to become exactly who they were meant to be, not a carbon copy of one another or a part of a generic brood. 
While they are not a perfect family, their kids are loved and have always felt safe to say or ask anything.  I have spent some of my best times as an honorary extra family member for road trips and other events.  It's a marvel to see any family that runs well and really cool for it to be one of this size.  This family knows how to make you feel truly accepted and it's fun to watch peoples faces when you file into a restaurant or campground as a family of 16, our 'mother' proudly claiming all of us.  I've recently found a blog that reminds me a bit of my family friends over at Table For Nine.
During the wedding celebration of my 'little sister', I noticed a few very striking things.  The first thing: Having her father be the one to marry her to her new husband was so awesome.  It really changed the dynamics of the ceremony for me.  This is the oldest daughter and first to be married.  You could just feel the bond of a father laying out his love for his daughter and entrusting her dreams to the man she marries.  It was as if a torch of respect was being passed between them, for this woman that they both love so much.
The second thing:  This one was sad.  There were whispered rude remarks about the man that this woman was marrying.  He is somewhat older than the bride.  He has a fourteen year old son who served as best man during the ceremony and gave a funny heartfelt toast that involved a mad lib treatment.  Not sure whether the new husband has been married before or not.  I didn't ask about any of these things because it doesn't matter.  I had spoken with the bride several weeks before the wedding about how she was feeling during the preparations.  We had a great conversation.  Although I don't personally know her new husband, I trust her judgement and the family that she comes from.  Her family was obviously very happy for her.  That's all that should matter to anyone. 
The last thing I noticed: the new husband seemed a bit shy and somewhat overwhelmed.  He reminded me of my own husband in some ways.  They are both men who are quiet when you first meet them.  But I'm sure that like my husband, there's a lot more to him once you get to know him.  I made a point to go over and talk to him when he was alone.  I said, "You did the same thing my husband did.  You married the life of the party."  He replied in a satisfied tone, "Yes, I did."  We both laughed at that and then quietly watched his new wife work the room for a while.  I left him with this, "You're going to have a great life."
I'm going to ask them over for dinner in the next couple of weeks.  I want to make a point of getting to know my new 'brother-in-law'.  He is lucky to be a part of a wonderful family and I want to help welcome him in.  I know a good thing when I see it.

One Last Hurrah

Halloween is descending upon us.  That means only one thing- the Holidays are right around the corner.
Now in my perfect world, I should be in Texas by the end of this month.  That would mean that I would be in prime position to take advantage of a lot more sun than we get here in the Great Northwest for the above mentioned impending Holidays.  And I would have maximum time to get used to the heat that comes along with that sun that will make me feel as if I might just be living on the sun by oh, say, next August if not sooner.
Chances are better than really good that I'm not going to be in Southeast Texas by the end of this month.
In fact, I may not be there in time to hang Christmas lights on a palm tree (or even a cactus if I must) as I have planned.  No, I don't care if that's the first thing my new neighbors will find strange about me.  Whoever my new neighbors end up to be, they will just have to get used to the idea that I could very easily end up as their latest form of free entertainment.  In these times, free is good.  Besides, I'll be from out of town so I'll have the perfect excuse to be weird.
Some of my friends have said that it would be great if we don't get to move until next Spring.  Now I understand; they have a dog in this fight.  They would like to have one last hurrah.  Our house is the place where most of the fall/winter events end up at and change is hard to deal with.  So for the time being, I am going to accept that this is where I am supposed to be and enjoy it as much as possible.
It's been great lately, doing all kinds of things that I don't always make time for.  I am also using this time to be sure that my friendships are good and solid.  I will need these people to get through this move and beyond.  I have no intention of losing touch simply because of distance.  I realize that things will naturally change, but I want to do my best for those who are here with me in the now and yet may still have space for me in their lives in the future.  I am grateful for the chance to be able to reflect and appreciate the people I love while receiving their support for my future dreams.
So here's to a wonderful last hurrah, whatever and whenever that turns out to be.