So that brings me to the fact that I don't often talk about my impressions of God and you probably wouldn't usually see detailed descriptions of my religious views around here. But naturally things like my husband needing to be under the knife for at least 4 hours and facing a lengthy recovery afterward do tend to bring those thoughts to the forefront.
The truth is that I don't talk a lot about my religion because I actually don't know what all I really think about it myself. This is a very strange thing for me. I am known for my decisiveness in my overall life and I can honestly say that it serves me pretty well. Regret is super rare for me and going with my gut instinct has always been the most comfortable place. And yet the religion thing evades me. And the weirdest part is that I'm OK with that. It feels just fine for me to live in a sort of no mans land when it comes to religion and, believe me, that's not like me on any other topic. I ALWAYS have an opinion and ever since I've been out from under my families' thumb I'm likely to share it with you at some point!
So to give it to you in a nutshell: I was raised Christian- sort of. I often went to Sunday school by myself or with a neighborhood friend but my family didn't usually go. The times when my family did go they got all 'churchy' for several months afterward immersing themselves in Christian radio and all things church and then just dropped it and acted as if that never happened after a few months. It was a lot like my mothers yo-yo dieting.
We did the usual Christian holidays in a pretty secular way. I got saved- three times, mostly because I was young and didn't understand that when church people ask you if you know for sure that you are going to heaven when you die and you don't answer with a resounding "yes", then they pray with you and ask God into your heart. Naturally I didn't tell each of them about the others before because I didn't want to hurt any feelings. I've since gotten a backbone and would never do that now.
As a kid, my favorite place to experience God was at my good friends Catholic church services. I loved the beauty and tradition and it felt safe and friendly. Although I liked the feeling in the Catholic church I never felt the need to delve deeper. I've never been to confession. Then as I grew older I realized that the probability of having a boatload of kids if I were to follow Catholicism fully was not going to work for me either so I eventually drifted away from that too.
I have friends who are Jewish. That feels more like a national identity that I am not a part of. I know people who ascribe to have more of a Native American type of belief system. Kind of interesting, but again I feel like an outsider to those ideas. I have friends who love their dressed down tennis shoe wearing pastor and VERY casual funky congregation that meets in a school gym. I would be lying if I didn't tell you those people kind of freak me out. Although I cannot perfectly define what I do believe, I am naturally put off by atheists.
For me I guess it goes like this: I believe there IS a God. I cannot perfectly define what that is, but I usually refer to God as a he. Maybe simply because that's what I am used to. I cannot look at the world around me and assume that it all happened by chance. I just cannot accept that idea. I've never felt the NEED to attend church regularly and yet I am not opposed to people who do or occasionally ending up at a church service myself. I often express my gratitude in private prayers and try diligently not to be one of those people that only 'talks to God' when I need something. I still celebrate Christian holidays and I do it with more of a focus on the idea of what the holiday means- rebirth or renewal for example, rather than the actual biblical story as I admit that I am usually a bit weak on the details. I believe I am a non-devout Christian and yet I don't believe that if someone else believes differently then they are headed straight to hell (do not pass go, do not collect $200 dollars). I feel as if we are stronger people for having a diversity of views and yet I do worry about atheists. There I go again with my one hold out!
So with all this being said, let me ask you for this: whatever you believe, whatever feels right for you, could you please keep my husband in your thoughts, prayers, etc. tomorrow on 5-16-12 at 12 noon Pacific Daylight Savings Time?! This is when his surgery is set to begin. Whatever any of us believes, I believe that we have more power together than any one of us alone.