For My Friend, Donna

I got the call today, the one I knew would come eventually but I was still surprised.
The cancer finally got to my beautiful, quirky and forever honest friend, Donna.
The friend that I should have known better, sooner, because we are so much alike.
We both love Mickey Mouse and Disneyland, love kids but never had any of our own, and love a good dance- anytime, anywhere.
Donna was given 48 hours at midnight last night.  She is on her way to the other side any time now.  Maybe she will show me something from over there, somehow.
The hospice has had a harpist come in and play for her.  Her friends have come and shared tea with her.  She has been given a prayer shawl and was read her last rights tonight.  She is comfortable and peaceful.  Her husband seems amazingly relaxed in this moment.
As my friend struggled through these last few years she gave me so much.  I learned that sometimes you have to get past your fears, no matter how strong they are.  And that sometimes just being together is enough.  No need to say anything at all.
Oh how I will miss her smile and her true ability to throw caution to the wind.  There are tears, but they are fleeting.  I know there is so much more to come.
Here's to an utterly fantastic journey for my friend.  I will definitely catch her on the other side!

Updates For Those Who Pay Really Close Attention

Today I am going to give several quick updates to a few loose ends that exist among the archives to this blog. It's for people like me who are always wondering, "What ever happened" with this or that.  I have a shockingly good memory and am always thinking things like that.  If you have only stopped in once in awhile this post may be strange for you or, at best, annoying.  You've been warned!

1)  I saw my friend with her special needs child the other day and absolutely could not believe how well the first of many surgeries that her child will go through has turned out.  If this is an indicator of the future, then God has decided to take his own hand and literally heal her.  The surgeon who did this surgery noticed a small imperfection in the result right as he was about to finish and proceeded to do the entire thing over.  Yeah, God is doing his thing.

2)  My friend with colon cancer is getting worse.  She doesn't have much energy and can't tolerate the chemo very often anymore.  On the positive side, her husband finally got a job after a whole year without one.  Talk about a stressful situation.  I know it may sound weird, but I feel like now that he has a job and she sees that as him being O.K. she is starting to allow herself to go.  I'm sad, but then I see how much she suffers.

3)  My husband has decided to get himself into better shape before having any reconstructive work done.  He seems pretty serious about his efforts and definitely paid special attention to the results that my friends baby got out of her surgery work.  It is such a good example of how different results can be when you go into the work as a completely healthy person, instead of being on the verge of death!  It gives us both a lot of hope.

4)  We have also realized that barring total collapse of our plans, my husband and I should be in a warm weather place in no more than a year.  Based on his work towards associate level and then fellowship in the Society Of Actuaries and the tests that he has already gotten through this year, his progress is ramping up.  We are thinking that maybe one more winter is worth waiting through to be sure we end up in Texas, but are not opposed to some wonderful opportunity that arises elsewhere!

5)  My nephew, Nathan, is healing up quite nicely from his bike wreck.  His Dad says that the scar on his cheek is already barely visible.  It does my heart good to hear this, even though I know I can't save him from all of his boyish antics.  I will see him again for the Independence Day holiday.  I can inspect him myself then.  As a side note:  I sent his teacher a great big bouquet of flowers for today- the last day of school.  She has been just what we needed for Nathan this year and I know it has not been easy having him come into her class in January of this year.  She has gone above and beyond the call of duty for him.

6)  We are still experiencing June-uary type weather here.  We have had a total of 3 days that have edged up into the low 70's.  I know some of you would like some relief from your relentless heat and humidity.  Until I can get an audience with whoever is in charge, we'll just have to suffer through and continue to believe the grass in greener on the other side.

7)  My dog seems to have hit a nice mellow spot in his journey with dementia.  The meds. are really helping and he has not had any problems with negative personality changes at all, which I have been warned can get ugly.  He is continuing to stay true to his nature of always bouncing back just when you suspect that he might be headed downhill.  I will be so grateful if he can just fade away quietly in his sleep one day...

I think I have hit on just about everything I can think of.  So, if there's anything else- feel free to ask.  I like keeping up with others and what they're up to as well.

Right On Target

Having survived my husband's latest actuarial exam, I am now in that in-between-tests mode of shoving every last bit of life into the days that exist between tests.  For a few weeks, we move frantically through life getting reacquainted with our other selves- the selves we know are still there waiting for us when we emerge from the haze of yet another exam.  Yes, I am so looking forward to the day when the last exam has passed and this household can get back to the business of learning life lessons in the ways that most others do.  Until then, these exams serve as life learning that comes up and kicks you in the butt.  But then, it feels like we're going around with a note on our backs that says "kick me", so really what do we expect?! 
One thing that has come as a side benefit from all this testing stuff is that the friends that we do have are true friends.  Especially over the last couple of years, there have been many reasons to sort of trim back on the people in our lives that just don't belong there any more.  These tests have certainly taken up enough time to hack off those who need more than we can give.
One person who I have made sure to spend more time with lately is a woman who is battling mightily with colon cancer.  (I wrote about her here.)  Even though she is on an every other week chemo regimen, she has chosen to take life by the horns and is filling every day to the brim.  So naturally, when my friend asked me to take her shooting, I was thrilled.  I do love and respect my second amendment rights and I love sharing that experience with others.
My friend was a little concerned that she might not be able to manage the proper handling of a gun because she has had a type of chemo treatment in the past that left her with some neurological problems in her hands.  Luckily, I had been a part of training another person who has similar difficulties.  So I felt that I could help my friend learn to handle the gun safely and proficiently.  It turns out I didn't have to do much.  Sometimes the will to do something overrides any physical limitations.  My friend was shooting one of my favorite 9mm Glocks' at 21 feet with beautiful accuracy in no time!   She did tire quickly so we ended up going back to a nice little laser guided 22 to end the night.  I was just so happy to have helped her fulfill one small item on her special 'to do' list.  When she remarked what a 'rush' this had been for her, I have to admit that I was experiencing quite a rush of my own.

To The 3rd Power

This post is about three people.  Three unique females who have stories that make me grateful for life and help me to learn so much about myself, in three very different ways. 

The first person is a relatively new friend, an acquaintance who I really hadn't connected with until just recently.  When I first met her, she seemed like someone I didn't have much in common with.  To be totally real, I felt like she was kind of socially out of the loop.  Not that I'm so altogether with it all the time, but she just seemed odd.  Over the past year, I had reason to see her many times.  I began to realize that we have strikingly similar family experiences.  We talked more often and I started to hear about her brave battle with colon cancer.  I really began to admire who she is.  I started to see this woman in a whole new light.  My reaction to her told me a lot about how others sometimes react to me.

Now, she is sick once again.  The colon cancer is back and she is stage 4.  She has had to go through more surgery and changes to her body than I can even image dealing with.  Through all of this, she is an amazing balance of fight and grace.  She takes things one day at a time and never gives up, even when the news is really bad for her.  She is honest and upfront about her feelings without letting those emotions eat her alive.  She lives every day doing whatever she can to function 'like her normal self' as much as she possibly can.  What an inspiration and wonder that I would have missed out on if I would have stuck by my original snap judgement of this person.  I am so glad that she makes me better just by getting to know her.

The second person of my three is someone I have known for a long time.  She is the mother of a family that I was a nanny for, for nine years.  During the time that I was seeing her daily, she went through a long bout of illness and then began dealing with the permanent changes that illness left her with.  She comes off as a real pushover.  She doesn't have a lot of fight in her.  If you're not careful, you might see her as weak.  This woman is not weak.  She gives to her kids and husband so unselfishly.  She uses what energy she has to make sure that the people she loves are truly happy.  This is what makes her happy.  This woman is a true force when it comes to demonstrating quietly what a mother often sacrifices for her family.

She has shown me a side to mothering that is awe inspiring.  I never saw this with my own mother.  To be fair, I don't think this type of mothering is for everybody.  Through her, I have learned that I am a true nurturer, but not a mother.  At least not the type that I would have wanted to be.  I am often questioned about my choice not to parent, with the usual "but you would make such a great Mom".  This woman has given me a more concrete grasp at what I've always known in my own heart.  On top of all that, she helps me understand that some people don't lose who they are when they become mothers.  Instead, like this woman, they fulfill who they were actually meant to be.  I saw her again the other day, after I hadn't seen her in quite a while.  She knew that my husband and I had gone through some difficult times over the last year.  I could see in her eyes that she was so happy that we had come out the other side with our health in tact and our hearts and minds in the right place.  It was all she needed, and everything to me to be loved like that.

The last of my three people is someone who hasn't even been born yet.  This little woman is going to be coming into the world with a bang.  She is going to be born with a birth defect.  To quote her mother: "I hate the term birth defect.  She's NOT defected!!  She's perfect!!  She's beautiful!! She's my little girl!!"  Through the already shed tears and pain that I have shared with her mother, I can see the good that is coming through this beautiful new life.  This baby will bring more love to an already fearfully and wonderfully made, fantastic family.  She is already teaching those of us around her what it means to truly love unconditionally.  I look forward to what this will mean to her mother, her sister and her father.

I will leave you with the lovely poem her father wrote on the night her family found out:

New Dreams

I had dreams for you that would one day come true

Dreams which now may be whittled down by a few

I’m lost, in despair, all but driven to madness

Denial, anger, depression and sadness

I weep and I cry and I come to the conclusion

I need to escape from this dreadful delusion.

Your life’s not been lost but perhaps altered a bit

Like a breath of fresh air I dare to admit

I’m not okay with giving you less than the best

A life to be envied by all of the rest

It will be a fairy tale of which you'll be the star

I know my dear daughter that you will go far.

Nothing is going to stand in your way

I’m anxious to meet you come your delivery day!