Updates For Those Who Pay Really Close Attention

Today I am going to give several quick updates to a few loose ends that exist among the archives to this blog. It's for people like me who are always wondering, "What ever happened" with this or that.  I have a shockingly good memory and am always thinking things like that.  If you have only stopped in once in awhile this post may be strange for you or, at best, annoying.  You've been warned!

1)  I saw my friend with her special needs child the other day and absolutely could not believe how well the first of many surgeries that her child will go through has turned out.  If this is an indicator of the future, then God has decided to take his own hand and literally heal her.  The surgeon who did this surgery noticed a small imperfection in the result right as he was about to finish and proceeded to do the entire thing over.  Yeah, God is doing his thing.

2)  My friend with colon cancer is getting worse.  She doesn't have much energy and can't tolerate the chemo very often anymore.  On the positive side, her husband finally got a job after a whole year without one.  Talk about a stressful situation.  I know it may sound weird, but I feel like now that he has a job and she sees that as him being O.K. she is starting to allow herself to go.  I'm sad, but then I see how much she suffers.

3)  My husband has decided to get himself into better shape before having any reconstructive work done.  He seems pretty serious about his efforts and definitely paid special attention to the results that my friends baby got out of her surgery work.  It is such a good example of how different results can be when you go into the work as a completely healthy person, instead of being on the verge of death!  It gives us both a lot of hope.

4)  We have also realized that barring total collapse of our plans, my husband and I should be in a warm weather place in no more than a year.  Based on his work towards associate level and then fellowship in the Society Of Actuaries and the tests that he has already gotten through this year, his progress is ramping up.  We are thinking that maybe one more winter is worth waiting through to be sure we end up in Texas, but are not opposed to some wonderful opportunity that arises elsewhere!

5)  My nephew, Nathan, is healing up quite nicely from his bike wreck.  His Dad says that the scar on his cheek is already barely visible.  It does my heart good to hear this, even though I know I can't save him from all of his boyish antics.  I will see him again for the Independence Day holiday.  I can inspect him myself then.  As a side note:  I sent his teacher a great big bouquet of flowers for today- the last day of school.  She has been just what we needed for Nathan this year and I know it has not been easy having him come into her class in January of this year.  She has gone above and beyond the call of duty for him.

6)  We are still experiencing June-uary type weather here.  We have had a total of 3 days that have edged up into the low 70's.  I know some of you would like some relief from your relentless heat and humidity.  Until I can get an audience with whoever is in charge, we'll just have to suffer through and continue to believe the grass in greener on the other side.

7)  My dog seems to have hit a nice mellow spot in his journey with dementia.  The meds. are really helping and he has not had any problems with negative personality changes at all, which I have been warned can get ugly.  He is continuing to stay true to his nature of always bouncing back just when you suspect that he might be headed downhill.  I will be so grateful if he can just fade away quietly in his sleep one day...

I think I have hit on just about everything I can think of.  So, if there's anything else- feel free to ask.  I like keeping up with others and what they're up to as well.

Everything Could Change At Any Time...Or Not

I ran into a friend that I don't see very often at a Birthday BBQ the other night.  She's the one with a child who was born with special needs so she is especially busy and harried these days.  Still, she took the time to really talk to me (while I held her sweet baby and took my turn at helping to sooth her near constant crying).  I couldn't believe that in the middle of all that is going on with her, she truly gets how I'm feeling these days.  She immediately picked up on the fact that my husband and I are in the position that we are attempting to keep our spirits up for a real change in location in the near future while managing to remain grateful and content for what we have right now.

But of course it made sense.  Her family is going through something so much bigger.  Their daughter will be having the first of many surgeries at the end of this month.  This surgery will change things to one degree or another, but there is no guarantee as to what the results will be.  They could be in for a lot of relief for their daughter's situation or they could be merely laying the foundation for a more profound result in the future.

While I was amazed that this person- of all people- got what we are going through, I am ever grateful to those who have not tired of my story and can demonstrate some level of understanding.  I mean, it is not like we are going through anything all that profound.  And yet, it is a big deal to us- this waiting for an opportunity to move and then also wondering what that will be like when we get to that point.  It is a chosen in-between. 

We live about 6 weeks at a time.  With every new interview or even the hint of an opportunity, we get excited and consider the possibilities.  As the process moves on, we find that we have a hard time committing to much of anything.  We don't know if we'll need to be at an interview somewhere far away or if it will be another year before we actually have any concrete plans.  We are resentful that we can't just sell our house and live off savings while getting to become locals and find a job that way.  But, we are also oh so happy that we have a home and a good job right here.  I have everything 'semi-packed' mostly in Rubbermaid containers and will be having another garage sale with a friend to empty out my guest room of all the things we have decided do not make the cut for being 'move-worthy'.  We have made many trips to give things away to charity. 

I find that I am more free than ever living in this 'in-between' way, something I never anticipated doing or feeling comfortable with.  I appreciate things more.  I pay more attention.  It is easier for me to see what is really important and to be able to let go of the stuff that doesn't matter much after all.  This sort of juxtaposition living makes for an interesting time.  It makes you think about what you want out of life in a bigger way.  You get to live in the moment. 

Have you ever done it? 
What was the situation?
What happened to end your in-between time?
How did you feel when it was over?
Did it permanently change the way you look at life?

The Thing That Changed Everything

**WARNING, EXPLICIT MEDICAL DETAILS, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**

-may be disturbing to some readers

**Secondarily, this post has become extraordinarily long.  I have tried to edit things down, but decided that I wanted to post this as is.  It is important to me, but I understand if it goes beyond what you are willing to endure for a story.   What a day to post THE longest and most difficult post I've ever had, only to have it lost! (for a while)  Do I have timing or what?!**

About 7 years back I made some really difficult choices.  These choices are hard to explain and even harder to justify in some cases, but they were necessary.  I won't go into that right now.  I just wanted to find a place to start that seems to offer some sort of background as to what was going on in my world before I got to the moment that really did change everything...

So there I was, thinking that I was doing a pretty decent job of taking charge of my life and starting to actually live in a meaningful way.  After a couple of years of sort of readjusting my world, and over a period of about 5 years I went through a process that included clearing out that last level of clutter.  You know, the level you think you might never get down to.  The one that goes beyond any comfort level.  The one that includes not just physical junk, but a manner of cleaning out all types of psychological trash along the way.  I got rid of those 'friends' that weren't really true.  Let things that I thought were a comfort, but really just had me stuck in the past, go.  I started replacing those 'tapes' that rolled in my head with newer more positive messages.  I forced myself to try new things that I thought would never be 'me'.  (Not all of those things worked out so well!)  Overall, I decided that anything that was more of a negative than a positive in my life just simply had to go.  I was ready to admit to the life that I had really always wanted, no matter what anybody else thought, no matter how much outside of the norm I would be.  (Who the heck are those average Americans everybody is always polling anyway?  Nobody ever interviews me.)

It had been a beautiful sunny day.  My husband and I were in New York City.  New York has never been my favorite place, but we were showing 2 friends who had never even been away from the West Coast a thrilling time in the Big Apple.  We were on a trip that had been planned for months and we were going to see my husbands best friends brand new baby.  As we neared the home of the new parents we got a call from them asking if any of us had been sick lately.  Typical worried new parents!  But it was then that my husband admitted that he had not been feeling quite right all day.  In fact, he had been a little nauseous and bloated.  He thought maybe he had food poisoning or something.  His friend didn't want to take any chances so we ended up at a Walgreen's picking up an instant-read thermometer.  Everybody took their turn and we all checked out with normal body temperatures.  After all that, my husband decided that he was feeling better and the stomach pains had passed.  We had a lovely visit with the sweet new baby and it was so special to see such a proud Papa. 

After that, it was more sightseeing.  Experiencing nightlife in the Big Apple for the first time was so exciting for our friends.  Time passes fast in the 'City That Never Sleeps' and before we knew it we were about to miss the last bus out to get back to our hotel.  We barely made it back to the bus station and I noticed that my husband wasn't really keeping up with us.  That was just not like him.  It turns out they send more than one bus back for each line at the end of the night, so we waited for the second one rather than crowd onto the first bus.  As we sat waiting on a bench I realized that maybe there was something more than indigestion going on with my husband.  I asked him if he thought he should see a doctor.  He said he wasn't sure.  I immediately pulled out our medical card and got on the phone.  I found out that since we were traveling out of state, we should just go straight to an ER rather than try to find a clinic of some kind.  By the time the bus came, I was antsy to get back to suburbia so we could get to a hospital near our hotel room.

Our friends wanted to go with us to the ER, but I wanted them to get a decent nights sleep as we would be driving out to Connecticut to see my husbands sister early the next morning so they returned to the hotel while my husband and I went to the nearest hospital.  It turned out that there was a blue H sign right next to our hotel and we set out following a series of these.  After about 20 minutes of driving around, I realized that I was beginning to recognize the same landmarks all over again.  By this time we were both tired and I asked my husband if he thought we should just go back to the hotel and get some sleep before trying for the hospital again in the morning.  He said that he thought we could find it if we just tried a little bit more.  I knew then that something must really be wrong.  Just after that, we did find the hospital.  Somehow, it was right there in front of us with an empty spot right at the door to the ER.

I expected a long wait inside, but there was hardly anyone there.  The nice guy at the front desk noticed my panicked look and reassured me that if anything was really bad my husband would be 'doubled over in pain'.  He felt sure that we would be in and out in no time.  Next we were put into a large holding area type room with curtains drawn between patients.  It turns out we were not in the best part of town and there was actually a guy handcuffed to a bed with two police officers at his bedside and another that kept wandering around exposing himself to people.  After a little while, we got a little more relaxed and sort of enjoyed the people watching.  My husband went through the usual tests- blood, urine, physical exam and nothing came up abnormal, other than some loose stools.  His temp was normal just as it had been earlier in the day.  The doctor was pretty certain that he did indeed have a case of food poisoning or 'travelers diarrhea'.  My husband was given fluids as he was a bit dehydrated and was just about to be released when the doctor decided to do an x-ray of his abdomen, just to be sure since we were traveling and all.

The moment that x-ray was put up in front of the light on the wall, I didn't need any instruction to be able to see that something was very wrong.  The intestines were all distended and there was clearly something blocking the digestive tract.  Suddenly there was an immense urgency in the room.  Several doctors all stared at the x-ray as if they could not believe what they were seeing.  Then they began prepping my husband for an emergency CT scan and told me he would be going straight to surgery after that.  They also shoved NG tubes into his nose and started pumping out this awful fluid.  I couldn't even think.  The nurses told me to take any valuables as they had a way of disappearing around here and took me through a maze of doors so that I could see my husband just prior to his surgery. 

After the CT scan, my husband was wheeled into the room where I was waiting.  There was an anesthesiologist with him who was explaining that there was no time to wait for his stomach to empty and that they would have to intubate him.  We were told that this was very serious and that there was a mass in my husbands abdomen that was preventing the passage of normal digestion and that it could kill him if they did not remove it.  They were able to see that the mass was not moveable by any other manner via the CT scan and the intestines were so distended that they could rupture at any moment.  Naturally, I thought he must have colon cancer or something, but I did not ask about that.  All I wanted was for him to be O.K. for right now.  I just wanted a little more time with him.  I kept asking God or whoever would listen to my pleas inside my head for this to just NOT be cancer.  In my own selfish thoughts, I didn't think I could take that.  As my husband was moved into the operating room they let me stay with him until after they put him under.  I thought this was strange and heard one of the nurses tell the other to let me stay and have my goodbyes.  Then another piped up and said this was not goodbye.  She told me that the doctor they called in was the best and that if anyone could save my husband, he would.  I could not believe this.  How did I go from a bright day as a tourist to this?

I was led back out and left in a row of chairs in a daze.  I didn't know anything except that I was so glad that I was not alone.  I could call my friends.  They were just a short distance away.  During the planning of the trip there had been a time when we were going to be going to New York on our own, but fatefully our friends had decided to join us.  They came to be with me in a flash and didn't ask questions.  Somehow they both knew just what I needed in that moment.   After 4 long hours, a doctor came through the double doors.  He was a tiny East Indian man with such a gentle demeanor.  By this time I really had it in my head that I just wanted to hear that this was NOT cancer.  Sometimes the mind can get stuck on a stupid detail.  So there I was just begging for him to tell me that.  My wish was somehow granted.  There was no cancer!  But wait, how could he know that so soon?  How could he be so sure?  It turns out that when I got over the initial euphoria of hearing that there was no cancer, there was some other news that was a bit more sobering.  The doctor informed me, in his lilting accent, that "another 12 to 24 hours and I could not save him."  My mind went reeling again as this idea settled in.  What if we had decided to go back to the hotel and rest?  What if we had been back at home and decided to wait until Monday so we could avoid going to the ER?  What had just happened?  How did this happen?  

The doctor would answer the questions that he could in due time, but he wanted me to see that my husband was indeed still alive and much better than he had been only a short time ago.  A short time ago when none of us had realized that this was such a serious thing at all...  So I was taken into recovery and greeted by several doctors and nurses with huge smiles on their faces.  You could feel the relief in the room and we all shared a laugh as my husband started in talking about how it was very important for him to get back to work right away and that he needed to take care of things, in a very drugged out voice.  They told me he had been repeating that over and over.  Then the doctor finally started to explain to me what had happened.  It turns out the diagnosis would be truly unique and complicated.  My husband was found to be the one of a kind man that I know him to be, in every way. 

You really never know just how things in the universe line up as they do.  I just know that if I had ever doubted that there was a purpose and a meaning to this life higher than mere existence, all doubts left me that day.  This doctor had trained in India as an intensivist.  Then he had specialized in gastrointestinal surgery in the U.S. and had done most of his work with the elderly and more recently victims of gunshot wounds.  (In the daylight the neighborhood we were in was much more clearly NOT the good side of town.)  In all of his experience this doctor had never seen anything quite like what had happened here.  But his experience and expertise were just what was needed.  The 12-24 hour comment came from the fact that there were several things going on, any one of which could have killed my husband almost immediately.  He had a baseball sized abscess that was very near rupture within his abdominal cavity but not inside the intestine, he had multiple adhesions that had wrapped themselves all around the abscess and eventually cut off progress of fluids through the small intestine, and peritonitis had set in.  As well as the initial danger from possible rupture of the abscess or intestine, any one of these could have become a life-threatening septic condition.  So how on earth was all this going on without my husbands knowledge?  Well, that part is left to theory.

      Here's what we do know:  1) He has a ridiculously high tolerance for pain that probably grew slowly over time along with the illness.  2) He is one of the very small percentage of the population that does not respond to infection with a fever or a high white blood cell count.  (Some researchers have found that these people are often on the autism scale as well.)  3) He was born without an appendix.  (Since all of his intestines had been outside of his body during the surgery and searched thoroughly we can be sure that my husbands best friend is correct when he guesses that my husband is just a little bit more advanced than the rest of us.  His friend is a biology teacher, after all.)  4) Since the abscess was outside the intestines, the only reasonable guess as to what caused the initial infection is probably E-Coli which comes in many forms and can and will invade the body anywhere.  (Several other doctors expressed this guess to us as well when we got back home.)  And finally- 5) There is no way to know when or where this E-Coli would have infected him as people can live for years with an abscess that has been encapsulated inside adhesive scar tissue and is like a ticking time bomb that can burst at any time.

My  husband spent 3 days in ICU and another 5 in the hospital being pumped full of every type of antimicrobial agent you can imagine since we really had no way of knowing for sure what it was that had invaded his body.  Once we knew that he would be strong enough to fly back home, he left the hospital with 20 staples and 3 retention sutures in his gut.  The physical effects that ended up following my husband for months (and now years) after this were nothing compared to what this did to our souls.  This absolutely rocked my world.  It shook me to the core. And it made my husband believe that maybe he should not expect to live a long, normal life even though we had been assured that this whole thing really shouldn't affect his life expectancy at all.  It was so hard to see the person who had been there for me and provided me with the strength that I had so badly needed in such a place of uncertainty.  I was suddenly very aware of what it must be like to be told that a loved one has been hit by bus, but has survived.  Only to be told later that the person will never be quite the same ever again.  Over that summer, I watched my husband go through some of the most difficult emotional times.  Things that I simply never could have imagined.  His body had betrayed him.  (This person that everyone had always described as the neatest, cleanest guy that they ever knew had been compromised by bacteria.)  Neither one of us knew what to trust, where to turn.  Life, that had been moving along on an expected plane, had just moved to a whole new universe.  Nothing was certain and nerves were so raw and exposed.  We both had grown up with very uncertain home lives and had come to expect that as adults we would be able to control our surroundings and live in relative stability.  This had shattered our senses and left both of us searching for a new normal.

For myself, I found that it really was time to grow up.  For all the time that I had spent being a 'little adult' when I was a kid, I had somehow thought that I would be able to make up for that in my own life on my own terms.  But really I had just ended up leaning heavily on my husband for the stability that I had so badly needed.  This had left him empty of the ability to really feel his own emotions.  It was never safe for him to be a little off, even for a day, because I had needed so much from him.  My guilt was immense and yet I was a little scared of this new emotional man in my life.  The truth is that as much as I had needed him to be the one solid thing in my life, he had needed me to be there to take care of him and to feel, when he was not ready to do that yet.

Over time, we both have grown stronger in this new life that has been thrust upon us.  Individually, we have learned how to do the things that we had leaned on one another for, for over a decade.  I, who have always been so independent anyway have learned that if I needed to I could make it all on my own.  And my husband who has never let anything ever get to him seems to be more comfortable with the idea that sometimes you have to embrace and feel the fact that the world can be a scary place.  We have seen that our individual weaknesses can be dealt with best with the unconditional love we share for one another.  We have each grown grateful for the gift that is knowing that you never really do know what tomorrow brings and that any one of us can be gone from this earth at any time. 

My husband will require more surgery to deal with some residual issues left from such invasive initial emergency surgery and we have been putting that off.  There have been so many opportunities to get past this time in our lives and come out stronger- we have pursued things that we never thought possible and made life decisions that we once only discussed in passing and had put off for 'someday'.  During this process there was a song that had come out that summer of 2009 that my husband gravitated towards.   I can remember him stopping whatever he was doing to sing along every time he saw the video played on TV.  If you've made it this far into this ultra-long post, then you owe it to yourself to share in a little bit more of our lives by clicking on the link below:  Oh and thanks for reading, this post is very important to me.

I'm Alive/ Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews 

There's Still A Plan

I started this blog a little over 6 months ago when I was just sure that my husband and I were on our way to becoming new residents of Texas.  Then a few months ago, we decided that if Texas wasn't having us in any big hurry, well, we would just open up our hearts and minds to the idea that anywhere with warmth and sun would be just fine with us.  This kind of willingness to bend would surely get us to tan lines and high air conditioning bills fast, right?

Here we still are, in the rainy Northwest.  We are in the midst of enduring the coldest, wettest Spring ever on record...  officially.  I finally got the chance to mow the yard when the rain managed to stop for about 36 hours.  There are puddles in places that I never knew would puddle.  My flower pots are actually flooded.  My dogs look out the door when I open it and then look at me as if to say, "Are you kidding?  Would you want to have to go out there to do your business?"  When there is a moment of reprieve and it looks like there might be some sun, the dogs run out to lay on the deck only to return within a few minutes to lay on the floor and look depressed when the sky clouds up again.  We were totally teased by a beautiful sunny 65 degree day last Saturday and then I woke up to rain on the skylights for Easter.  So, yes, I am annoyed.

But then I have to feel like a real horses ass when I complain like this as I have been watching people who are truly suffering with all the tornado and storm damage all over the South.  I have a home.  With flower pots and a deck, no less.  I'm not out searching for my dogs or even lost family members.  So yeah, it is all so relative...

I know there is a plan at work.  I'm just not totally clear what that plan is anymore.  For our part, my husband and I are working the recruiter and ourselves hard, searching high and low for a good job that will allow us to pursue this dream of being where the sun shines most of the time and the cost of living is decent.  My husband is still working hard to fulfill his requirements to become a member of the Property/Casualty Society Of Actuaries.  He knows that within a year he will be at the Associate level.  This should make looking for a job a bit more fruitful. 

In the mean time, we are living and preparing as if we could up and move at any moment.  I am still getting rid of more stuff and making decisions about stuff that I will get rid of the moment I know we really will be leaving.  We are saving up cash.  The house looks great for all the prep work I did last Fall.  And, we are still trying to make the most of what is going on in our lives today, while we are still here.  We will be running another 5k on Sunday and enjoying a get together with friends this weekend.   I am also planning a small event for our neighborhood next week with my neighbor.  Most of all we are both learning that appreciating what you have, even when it's not exactly what you want is sometimes the most important plan of all.

Keepin' Busy

Up until this morning, I was super preoccupied with my husbands study efforts leading up to his test today.  I stay as involved as I can, helping him go over practice problems and being a sounding board for him to work out the details of some devilishly detailed math.  Now it's finally the day of the test and I have become super busy doing anything I can to keep my mind off the fact that he is plugging away at his exam even as I type this.  I have every right to believe that he will pass this time.  I really do.  But I thought he would pass last time and he didn't. So I also have this gnawing feeling in my gut that is making me stir crazy.

So far I have done some official work for about 3 and half hours this morning.  Then I stopped at two different stores on the way home.  When I was out the weather was doing this annoying snow/raining thing again.

So I did what any half crazed woman not quite in her right mind would do.  I bought some pretty primroses-

and went straight to work planting them as snowflakes fell into my hair.  I think it was sort of my way of protesting this way too long winter and giving this stressful day a little lift while I was at it.

Now I've gone to work on the laundry even though the bins are practically empty.  I think I'll go and see if I can find anything else that needs bleaching...

What Is The True Inspiration For Motivation?

There is a question that I have pondered for many moons.  It is the question of what the root cause of motivation truly is.  It seems to me that I have never found a really good answer to this question.  Some people claim that seeing others succeed or not determines much about how motivated they are to do the same.  Either they see a good example and want the same for themselves or they witness what brings about a lousy life and want to be sure that they do anything they can to better themselves.

Still there is the flip side of that coin.  Take a second person who sees the very same things that motivates one person to do well in life and they may end up doing little or nothing with themselves because they had a great life and didn't feel like they needed to work that hard to get anywhere or their life was miserable and they just never learned how to step above that and ended up wallowing in it instead.

Even two people who grow up in the same household can turn out very different from one another.  (Yes, I'm thinking of my sister and I here.)  So maybe the question is more about what determines the way that one person will react, as opposed to another, to the very same situation even if both people share very similar back rounds.

What brought this all to mind today was a rerun of an interview that I had seen when the movie 'The Blind Side' first came out.  The guy who inspired the story, Michael Oher, was being asked about what a difference the family that took him in had made in his life.  I was surprised to hear him say that although the family that helped him had made things a lot easier for him, he always knew that he would be successful.  He had no doubt that he was going to be different than his rough upbringing might have justified for him.  He was very appreciative that because of the help he received he was able to concentrate on his talents and did not have to work several jobs.  He knew things had happened sooner for him, without further hardship, but he had full confidence that he was going to do the things he dreamed of no matter what.

I am inspired by this guy and still left wondering. I too have been asked over the years what it is or was that made me different from where I came from. And in turn why my sister was not similarly motivated. I know that for me it was a simple truth. What I saw around me was nothing I wanted any part of. I knew in my heart of hearts that there was no way that I was going to allow myself to continue life like that. I would do what I had to do to get where I was going and never look back.

But the question remains. It can't possibly be that some people are just born motivated and others are not. I believe there must be some turning point, some reason. No higher power or order in the universe could possibly allow that kind of randomness. God, I wish I knew.

Turn off the music player to watch the video below.

In 'high test mode'

There's about 3 weeks left for my husband to prepare for his next big exam, so we are in high test mode.
Things are looking positive.  Keep your fingers crossed for us.

We have again taken a break from almost any extra activities that we ever allow ourselves because there is just no time right now.  We miss our band and our dance club friends thought that maybe we had already moved away without letting them know...
Meanwhile, the one thing my husband allows himself as a 'break' is his bowling leagues.  He bowls twice a week.  He's done it since he was eleven.  He is pretty darn good.  He is currently averaging 221.  This is also a good sign for the upcoming test.  It seems the better he is bowling, the better he tends to perform on his exams.  A funny coincidence? 
Hey, maybe if this actuarial thing doesn't work out, he could join the PBA tour...

Meanwhile, we have put in the word with the recruiters that we would like to look at anything along the gulf coast area that is within a reasonable distance to a beach- no more than about 3 hours for us.
Our first choices are in Texas of course- Houston, San Antonio or Austin.
Also anything in Florida, except maybe Miami because of higher cost.
Finally, anything from Florida to South Carolina.
We'll have to look at details of individual places to see what we think as we go along, but I sure hope this makes for a quicker departure to warmer weather.  Soon!

14 Years

Its that time of year again, when my husband and I share a month of celebrations.  Both of our birthdays and our anniversary fall in January.  This was not by design, but it has turned out to be a great way to get through long winters.  January is also when we take a sort of inventory of our lives.  We look at everything, the big picture and the mundane- like insurance.  (My husband IS in insurance after all.)

Its kind of a yearly life evaluation that we started back on our 2nd anniversary when we went to Manzanita Beach on the Oregon Coast.  It was really nasty weather and we ended up watching the waves from a high bluff, crashing onto the shore during a big storm.  I guess it made us think about different possibilities and making plans for the future. 

Up until I met my husband back in October of 1995, nothing in my life was very stable.  Since we were married 14 years ago (we picked the next available 3 day weekend and eloped.), some really amazing transformation has come into my life. 

Some of these things are small: 

I have had the same last name for 14 years now.  Up until we got married, I had used 3 different last names and I had never been married before!  My mother had been married twice after I was born and subsequently changed my name along with hers each time as she didn't want me to feel left out.  (Funny, I still felt left out.)  Not a great plan! 

I have lived in only 4 different homes over the last 14 years.  We have lived in our current home for 8 and a half years!  Longer than I have ever lived in any other home.  Sure beats the 16 moves I made by the time I was 9 years old...

Some of the things that have changed in my life since I married my husband are HUGE:

What a true gift it has been to know him.  My husband has allowed me to be safe enough, to be open enough to discover who I am, and should have been, if I had never been through so much.  It has been an amazing sort of do over.  Before I knew my husband I never would have acknowledged that I needed a do over.  I was tough.  I was strong and I had made it through just fine.  Ha!

This is sort of what I tried to get at in my last post, but missed.  I've been left feeling guilty lately for all that I have in my life.  We've discussed it and my husband believes that this is part of what makes passing his exams so difficult.  With each one passed comes much reward in the form of compensation and relative freedom.   The actuarial field is very tight and those who can do the work well are highly prized.  Sometimes it's hard for him to remember that his success doesn't take away from anyone elses' chances.  It can be so hard not to worry about others who are just as deserving, yet haven't been in the right 'place'in their life- emotionally, spiritually or otherwise.  How long will they have to wait?  There are those who seem to suffer needlessly no matter how hard they try and those who seem to bring it on themselves.  Though it may not be our business to try to take care of, it is especially hard to let go of poor choices that people we love have made. 

My take on all of this is that yes, there will be guilt.  Anyone who gets through tough things can't help but feel for others who may get left behind in some way.  At the same time, the world is better when people use the talents they have to their fullest.  We all owe it to society to give freely what we have to offer.  Holding back not only hurts ourselves, but everyone in some way.  It will never be easy to see others suffer, but our own suffering does not necessarily save anyone- unless we do something bigger once we get through whatever life deals us.

So for anyone who might be curious, here's the plan for this year:  (knowing of course that there may be unforeseen bumps in the road), we have made the following plans for the coming year and the future in general:
Next (and hopefully last of the high level calculation multiple choice type) test- February 22, 2011
After that, relative free for all- meaning we concentrate on getting ourselves to the sun in one way or another!  We will add as many possible locations to the list as we can with the criteria being that said places have these qualities:  warm weather place, very little or no snow, low cost of living, have larger property casualty firms that my husband may find jobs with, prefer laid back people and lifestyle.  So far we have added Charleston, SC, Jacksonville, Tampa, and Tallahassee, FL. (Of course, we still really want Texas.)
Get ourselves to one of these places by Fall 2011.
Move on to the essay type tests that I am just sure my husband will be fabulous at in November 2011.
As always, will keep you updated.

Finally, Some Vacation Pictures As Promised... and then I'm gonna' get all intropective or something up in here...

So first things first-  I needed some sun.  I got some sun.  My husband and I took a little jaunt to Palm Springs.  We had never been there before.  We were there for over a week during New Years and the temperature didn't get over 65.  People in town couldn't remember a New Years this cold in at least 10 years.  Most of the time it was only about 55.  I know, poor me.  But really, next time I put in a request for sun I'm going to be a little bit more specific.  Anyway, as you know already if you've read my stuff before, I enjoyed the sunshine and I drank in as much as I could.  So here's the proof:

Yes, Palm Springs is a desert.  It is surrounded by mountains and is full of beautiful golf courses.  No, we don't golf, but the views are nice.

This is the pool that I intended to spend a lot of time in.  This is the hot tub that I actually did get into.

After seeing this pet area, we really wished we had taken at least one of our dogs with us!

We visited a 'Cactarium'.  It was actually pretty cool.

Some of the cacti were just beautiful.

Some were scary lookin'!

Some were fodder for my husband and his weird photography humor...

(Palm Springs really did have some of the bluest skies I have seen in a long time.)

Speaking of weird humor-  Here is how one of the signs in

Joshua Tree National Park appears to most people:

Here is how my husband sees it:

Yeah, you're welcome...

More photos to come, if you can stand it!



So here's the deal.   Along with having a good time, which is what we truly did, this trip served to remind us of two very different and distinct things.  1.) that we are really fortunate to be able to get away and just kick it around and be forced to shop in cool boutiques and eat at yummy restaurants in town because it's too cold to swim.  Especially when others around us are struggling so mightily lately- our friends with the special new little lady have discovered that her diagnosis will require MUCH more treatment than doctors had initially thought before she was born.  For many people we know, this would be a dream trip of a lifetime.  Or they may never get to do something like this at all. 

So..... that makes the second thing we learned seem like small potatoes. 

Still, here goes 2.) that we really need to move to a warm weather place, ASAP.  The time has come and that's all there is to it.  We are happiest in the bright warm sunshine.  My husband and I want very badly to be in Texas.  We have visited many places and that is the one that feels most like home to us.  However, the current economy, housing market and job market are complicating our plans.  We have had many leads for jobs evaporate on us.  Employers end up deciding that they want a different type of position in the end, or none at all.  Worse, they want a person who is more local.  Hello, we'd be local, if you'd let us!  We don't even care if moving expenses are not paid for.  We just want to get there.  We can't sell our house without taking a huge loss, so we have made plans to rent it out using a management company.  Yes, we have heard the horror stories of what renters will do.  We're willing to live with that too. 

So it seems as if it all comes down to this-  What are we really willing to do to change things?  Staying here in the cold, long, rainy Northwest winter is yet another reminder that this is not what we want.  It seems it's time to go out on yet another limb of this here tree of life.  After much discussion, a decision has been reached.  My husband is going to greatly expand his job search to include many other warm weather type places!  Who says a stop along the way in some other city for a year or two would be a bad thing?!  After reading other blogs and seeing what many of you have done, by choice or not, I figure we need to give this more of a real try.  What do you think?  Are we nuts?

New Perspective

I got that call I was waiting for, on Monday afternoon.  The prosecutor called to let me know the outcome of my mother's sentencing hearing for her felony domestic violence assault conviction. 
The results in rational terms: 6 months in jail, 88 hours of community service, 3 years of probation, various fines, will never be eligible to work with kids, the elderly, etc.  She must pay for counseling for the minor child that witnessed her behavior until he is 18.  She must have a psychological exam and pay for and stay current with any treatment that is prescribed. 
The emotional toll: I had pretty much prepared myself for the guilt and sorrow that I knew would come.  What I never saw coming was the anger and disgust.  The prosecutor took the time to go over the whole hearing with me, line by line.  She felt that I needed to know what had happened because she wants to be sure that I get through the reality of just how bad my mother's mental issues are and how that still might effect me.  I have to say that this prosecutor has been so good to me.  She has taken extra time and energy to truly help me through this.  One particular issue that has cropped up in the past that involves me is that my mother sometimes believes that she is me.  She has even been known to commit petty crime and give my name.  Apparently, the hearing had to be stopped twice so that things could be clarified for my mother.  She felt that the papers that the judge was reading, that I had sent in, were all just things that I meant to say about my sister, not her.  Then she said, "that's O.K.  I understand because I used to be her."  My mother honestly believes that she groomed me so well that I am not capable of saying anything negative about her, that everything I wrote was meant to be directed at my sister.  She is also still convinced that we are the same person.  She has spoken many times about how she used to be me and she is not speaking metaphorically.  My mother means that we are one and the same person, as if I am some part that has broken away and needs to be reined in. 
If you are not totally weirded out at this point, then I'm sure you are starting to get why this is so hurtful.  It's as if no matter what I ever do, I will never truly be my own person in my mother's eyes.  She will never get to see who I have become.  She will never enjoy me as her daughter.  My personality, my emotions, my thoughts are an affront to her.  If anything unique and apart from her is seen in me, it is a problem meant to be squashed.  I knew this was an issue, but had secretly hoped that one day things would change.  The prosecutor reminded me that although things could change one day, I need to live my life as if it doesn't matter if they never do.
It took me a couple of days to digest all of this and get to a point that I can live with.  I know my mother needed to be stopped.  I hope that she gets some real help.  I also know that regardless of whatever she does or does not do with her life, mine will go on.  And I will enjoy it.  To the fullest.  I deserve it.  And honestly, especially after some of the things I read on others' blogs, I know that my life is good.  I know I am changing the pattern in my family for the better.  I will continue to look to the positive and refuse to wallow in the past.  My mother may never truly know me.  I will share what I have to offer with everyone in my life and trust that my unique gifts will be accepted and appreciated by those who are meant to receive them. 

Inspiration

Pause the music player, so you can listen to the song:




Was anyone else as amazed as I was at Edison Pena's impressive appearance in the New York City Marathon? Here's what he had to say about it:
“In this marathon I struggled,” he said. “I struggled with myself, I struggled with my own pain, but I made it to the finish line. I want to motivate other people to also find the courage and strength to transcend their own pain.”

'Pena’s personal victory came just weeks after he was still training in near-darkness, jogging 6 or 7 miles each day 2,300 feet underground in stifling heat and humidity. He and 32 other men survived 69 days in the caved-in mine before they were rescued last month.'

'He said running was his salvation — his way of proving how much he wanted to live.'

This guy and his absolutely fantastic performance really got me thinking. I am one who rarely engages in excuses. I feel like there really aren't any good ones. I've been known to say that excuses are just lies in disguise. The lies we tell ourselves are really the worst ones, aren't they?  I've seen way too many people who are much worse off than me in some way or another- either physically, mentally or emotionally (many of you bloggers fall into one of these categories) and I just don't feel that I have the right to cop out most of the time.  I admit that sometimes I come off as extremely demanding. I don't mean to be harsh. I just don't want to rob people of what they could be or could accomplish by being yet another easy way out. I hold myself to a high standard and I'm not any better than anyone else. So I try not to lower my standards for anyone, while still realizing that everyone is different and has something to add that may not be the way I would do things.
I so admire people who do things that they don't have to. The people who really make a difference in this world by going above and beyond what could possibly be expected of them. There are always things that I have meant to do, but never get around to. I think this guy and people like him are so important to those of us just getting through every day life without too many obstacles. They make us think about what we can do if we truly challenge ourselves, even just once in a while.

Oh Drat & All That...

No dice.
He came awfully close; I just know it.  We don't have a grade yet, but I know my husband couldn't have missed passing this test by much and it just kills me.  I was so disappointed for him.  I could have just cried, but I didn't (at least until later when he didn't see me).  After all, I'm his support system for these tests and he doesn't need that.  So we move on...  My husband & I spent 3 hours getting a new study plan in order and we're gonna' get this beast next time.
Here's part of the study plan, so you can get some idea what we're up against:

The good news?  This test is available in 3 month increments for the first time this year.  So we'll get this over in February, rather than have to wait until May. 
My husband seems to feel the worst about the fact that this is not great for job hunting prospects.  I continue to feel as if the right job will be there in the right moment for us.  Remember, we are not suffering with unemployment.  This is a choice.  I am always grateful for that.  Besides, we still have 2 job prospects in the hopper right now, so that's not bad.  The latest word from the recruiters: in person interviews for the aforementioned jobs will be delayed by a couple of weeks.  So, basically, after Thanksgiving. 
That means I know where I'll be for day after Thanksgiving sales!  I always love a good sale, even if I don't want to buy much, so I don't have to haul it 2,500 miles.

Think 7

Today at noon is liftoff for my husbands current nasty actuarial exam.  As mentioned in a previous blog post here, this is not as easy endeavour.  What he wants to receive as a grade or passing score is at least a 6 out of a possible 10.  For the last exam, I felt strongly that he would get a 7 and he actually earned an 8!  That was excellent.  There is always much riding on passing these tests, but as of late we are especially interested in what passing yet another of these will mean for his job prospects in Texas.
Up until just recently, the Casualty Actuarial Society has had a policy of making you wait until 6 weeks after the test to get a result.  Even at 6 weeks, you were only shown whether you had passed or not.  You had to wait another 2 weeks for an actual score.  That was a form of torture all its own.
Today will be the first time my husband will be given at least a pass/fail result immediately following the test as the test has been computerized this time around.  Funny enough, we are both kind of freaked out by getting a result right away.  To think we have become accustomed to the torture of waiting so much that it seems we may actually miss that time in no mans land...
At this point, we have put in the time, sacrificed missing things we would have rather been doing and are not sure whether any more practice would make a damn bit of difference.  In other words, I feel my husband is right where he should be.  He works so hard at this; he deserves to pass every time.  Today, I will be thinking 7.

Vows & Whispers

Last weekend, I went to the beautiful autumn-themed wedding of a long-time family friend.  (What a great opportunity to put one of those dresses in the back of my closet, with tags still on them to use!)   I was there on behalf of the bride.  Her oldest brother was one of my best friends in high school and his sister became a little sister to me.  These people have been in my life for about 15 years. 
This bride is very blessed.  She comes from an absolutely fabulous family.  I remember hanging out at their house as much as possible, just drinking in the acceptance and love that this family offered to everyone that came through their door.  This family is not what you would expect from their outside image.  Their stats don't speak for who they really are. 
Upon meeting these people, the first thing you notice is that there are more of them than in an average size family.  There are eight children, making them a family of ten.  The next obvious thing about them is that the father in the family is a pastor of a church.  These two aspects alone make most people jump to certain stereotypical conclusions.  These people do not fit the mold for a typical church family.
Over the countless hours I've spent with this family, I learned many surprising things.  I found out that the mother is seriously funny.  She is a spitfire.  She loves beer and pizza, especially while playing Rummy.  She puts her family first, but never loses herself.  She blew off her college graduation ceremony to run off and get married because she felt that it wouldn't be right to wear white for the ceremony if she waited much longer!  It turns out that this family ended up with eight kids, not by design but, because they had some serious birth control failures which they have joked about on occasion.  Each of these eight kids was given the mental and physical room they needed to become exactly who they were meant to be, not a carbon copy of one another or a part of a generic brood. 
While they are not a perfect family, their kids are loved and have always felt safe to say or ask anything.  I have spent some of my best times as an honorary extra family member for road trips and other events.  It's a marvel to see any family that runs well and really cool for it to be one of this size.  This family knows how to make you feel truly accepted and it's fun to watch peoples faces when you file into a restaurant or campground as a family of 16, our 'mother' proudly claiming all of us.  I've recently found a blog that reminds me a bit of my family friends over at Table For Nine.
During the wedding celebration of my 'little sister', I noticed a few very striking things.  The first thing: Having her father be the one to marry her to her new husband was so awesome.  It really changed the dynamics of the ceremony for me.  This is the oldest daughter and first to be married.  You could just feel the bond of a father laying out his love for his daughter and entrusting her dreams to the man she marries.  It was as if a torch of respect was being passed between them, for this woman that they both love so much.
The second thing:  This one was sad.  There were whispered rude remarks about the man that this woman was marrying.  He is somewhat older than the bride.  He has a fourteen year old son who served as best man during the ceremony and gave a funny heartfelt toast that involved a mad lib treatment.  Not sure whether the new husband has been married before or not.  I didn't ask about any of these things because it doesn't matter.  I had spoken with the bride several weeks before the wedding about how she was feeling during the preparations.  We had a great conversation.  Although I don't personally know her new husband, I trust her judgement and the family that she comes from.  Her family was obviously very happy for her.  That's all that should matter to anyone. 
The last thing I noticed: the new husband seemed a bit shy and somewhat overwhelmed.  He reminded me of my own husband in some ways.  They are both men who are quiet when you first meet them.  But I'm sure that like my husband, there's a lot more to him once you get to know him.  I made a point to go over and talk to him when he was alone.  I said, "You did the same thing my husband did.  You married the life of the party."  He replied in a satisfied tone, "Yes, I did."  We both laughed at that and then quietly watched his new wife work the room for a while.  I left him with this, "You're going to have a great life."
I'm going to ask them over for dinner in the next couple of weeks.  I want to make a point of getting to know my new 'brother-in-law'.  He is lucky to be a part of a wonderful family and I want to help welcome him in.  I know a good thing when I see it.

Peeking Around A Corner

Just a quick little tidbit, because I have to say something to someone about this...
My husband got news from a recruiter last night.  News that means that he should be interviewing, in person, in Texas, within a couple of weeks!  I know this could be something real or nothing at all.  Still, my mind can't help but wander through the possibilities.  What this could mean...
There is one thing that this news definitely means.  I told myself that as soon as it got to the point that we needed to go out for a real in person interview, then I would tell people in my work world that there is a possibility that I could be leaving.  I would do this as a courtesy because in the work that I do, it would be nice to give them at least a month to start looking for other options.  As soon as I get an actual date, I will go through with that.  (We needed money to help fund this little endeavor of moving across the country, so it was imperative that I not say anything until we had a bit saved up for this.)  My friends have known for about four months now and that has been interesting to see how that changes up the friendships, in ways good and bad.  Putting work on early notice will be a brand new leap of faith for me.