What If Wednesday- A Little Digging

Alright y'all, it's time to get my act together around here- come broken computers or flooded vacation condos!
 
This installment of 'What If Wednesday' is brought to you by my husband who likes to find himself in interesting situations that he's managed to dig himself into.  And believe me he has managed to get himself into some doozies- like that time he dug a ditch with a guy that turned out to be a serial killer. Seriously, a true story.  But a story for another day!

This week's 'What If' is this:  What if you researched your family tree?  Even just a little bit?

The box and the tree, by njaj/ found at: freedigitalphotos.net

Since I have no information about my father's side, I have always assumed that there was not much that I could learn from working through my family tree.  My husband has had a lot of fun proving me wrong!  After finding that his family tree is pretty much exactly as his mother and grandmother had told him, he decided that it would be enjoyable to unearth some mystery and excitement by seeing what he could dig up for me.

A long story short, my husband found out some pretty interesting stuff.  He found not 1, but 2 cases of women who bore children who were then labeled as siblings rather than their own children and one of these was my great grandmother!  He found a boy orphaned by a mother who died in childbirth and a father who died in the civil war.  He also found more than one record of people who spent time in mental hospitals- thereby proving that when I mention that I come from a long line of crazy and that people ought not push it, these are not empty threats!

This whole excercise turned out to be a lot of fun and I'm glad my husband dug down this path.  What about you? What might you know or learn from exploring your family tree?!

A New Adventure!

 This past June I celebrated with my nephew, Nathan, as he reached the milestone of finishing elementary school.  I drove down for his big day and had lunch with his family.  I also brought him this balloon as a way of indicating both my pride and my wish for him to continue on with his education.

Although it was an exciting day I couldn't help but feel a bit of underlying worry. 

It is the local custom to finish elementary school in the fifth grade where my nephew went to school; not the sixth grade as I am accustomed to.

My nephew has always been able to keep up with or exceed the educational expectations of any classroom, but his social issues often create some real trouble that even the best teacher struggles to deal with.

I have continued to wonder over the summer how Nathan would do with the big transition to middle school- with all it's new responsibilities of having to move from one class to another all day, keeping organized with the proper supplies for each class, navigating each day as one of the youngest yet tallest and biggest kids in the school.

Although I know that my nephew will eventually be perfectly capable of dealing with all of this I haven't been able to keep from worrying.

Then one day last week I got a most interesting phone call.  It was my nephew's Dad, telling me that he wanted my opinion on something.  He was considering homeschooling for Nathan.  He had many of my same concerns, especially about the transitions into this next school year.

Wow, my mind was reeling.  I have to admit that I have many times believed that Nathan would benefit greatly from homeschooling, even before my worries about the transition to middle school.  I have actually believed in, participated in helping with some subjects for our neighborhood kids who are home schooled, and loved the homeschooling idea for a very long time.  I grew up with close friends who were home schooled and came to the public school for band classes and sports. 

I also know that homeschooling is not for everyone.

Although my secret heart's desire has been for my nephew to be home schooled for quite a while now, I have also faced up to the idea that asking his Dad to do that is asking a whole lot, as he is a single parent. 

True enough, Nathan lives with his grandmother as well as his father and yet I have just never been able to justify asking them to do this for Nathan.

Turns out his Dad is more than willing to be as creative as he possibly can to help out with home schooling and Nathans grandmother is also more than willing to participate.  I have also signed on to take Nathan for a couple of weeks at a time just as I do during holidays now.  I will be doing it more often and helping out with his schooling process when I do.  Hopefully, that will help to keep Nathan & his Dad as close as they are now, without too much over exposure and frustration creeping in!

We have all agreed to try this for one year and see where it goes, knowing that often the first year of home schooling is the toughest. 

Nathan will stay in his local after school program for social interaction and his grandmother will take him to that on most afternoons. 

I am excited to be joining the home school movement and I will let you know how it's going!

Twisted

It's that time of year again.  No, not about the holiday hoopla coming up.  Instead, I mean the time of year when I KNOW that certain people are not doing so well.  This is the beginning of the time when all of those lovely folks in my family that suffer from some type of mental illness or another go on the prowl every year.  Some years are scarier than others.  It is the season in which I am likely to wake up shaking or screaming.  My poor husband has grown used to this.  I have already heard from one friend who has been called several times to see if her husband can fix a computer- a computer that's been dead for years...  Anything to try to connect with those who cannot legally be contacted.  Thank God for restraining orders and felony probation.  Seriously, let's hope this year is a mild one!

I have to admit that even though I get stronger and wiser over time about how kooky my family can be and how normal and peaceful life is now, my subconscious is not always on board.  So with that in mind, I'll share an especially wild dream from the other night.  I feel this one is special because even I didn't know that my mind was quite so creative. 

In the dream, life is beyond wonderful.  Fabulous really.  Things are good beyond imagination.  It is truly sweet in so many ways.  The colors are sun warmed and lovely.  There is a picnic in the park and the food is magazine perfect.  The temperature is perfect.  The view is gorgeous.  I am surrounded by loving family.  People who have been especially cruel to me are there as well, but they are different.  Very different.  My aunt who is is brash and mean is kind and loving.  My grandmother is no longer a drunk.  She makes a point of apologizing for her past actions and promises to be different from here on out.  Many seem to acknowledge in some magical unspoken way that they are sorry for the way they knowingly left my sister and I to suffer in an unhealthy home.  It is all just so much to take in.  I feel loved and protected and content.  Content beyond anything I can ever remember feeling in my whole life, ever.  There is no hiding, no sadness, no ugliness, no drugs, no lies, no manipulation.

I can only guess this must be somewhat like what people who are addicted to drugs might feel.  That euphoria I have heard of...  Because the next thing I know I am awake and it is cold, sharp, dark.  There is a deep emotional pain that is nearly physical in nature.  I am literally terrified.  

And then I realize- this is it.  The beginning of the season of nightmares.  It is right on time.  It always starts in November, when my mother would be in the process of angering the rest of the family to the point that we would not be welcome for the holidays.  And we would be alone, facing her mental illness at its full brutal force. 

I am able to recognize the feelings I am having and rationalize where they come from.  And then I also manage to see the glaring thing that was missing from my dream.  My mother and my sister were not there.  Yes indeed, even in my wildest fantasies, I know that these two are a lost cause.  Ah, progress...  Maybe next time I won't be fooled at all.

Independence

Isn't it amazing how when we look back over just one year we can often see so much cathartic change?  How we never could have imagined what life would be like?  And if someone would have told us, we just would not have believed it?

My husband and I will be going to Oregon for the long holiday weekend to celebrate with my nephew and his Dad in a town called Independence.  From what I've heard it should prove to be a lovely small-town, home style celebration. 

 

Independence, OR 4th of July parade

Who would have ever thought that it would feel so good to spend a holiday with my ex-brother-in-law?  That I would be looking forward to how simple and freeing it is to know the time we spend with him is never chaotic or dramatic, just honest and real?  That I know my nephew is right where he should be...

This year I will be celebrating the fact that I finally, truly broke free of the idea that family really ever had anything to do with where a person happens to land when they are born.  Instead, family grows over time in a dynamic way and we get to choose who we bestow the title upon.

Have a wonderful 4th and take care of yourselves!

All The Disney Details- Nathan's First Day At Disneyland

Yes, I realize this has been delayed for a bit more than a reasonable amount of time.  Let's just say that the last week has been a deep well of fodder for future blog posts.  More on that later...  Without further ado, here is the post and some photos about my nephew's first day in Disneyland.

On the way down to California, Nathan had rattled on and on all about Lego Land.  And he had wondered why we were only spending one day there and three days in Disneyland.  I kept trying to explain and it helped that my friend had sent books with cool info. and pictures about the resort, but in the end Nathan found out why we would be there for a whole three days for himself.  He did really enjoy Lego Land, especially after waiting a year and half to get there.  However, on the car ride back all we heard about was Disney Land and California Adventure.  I had suspected this might be the case.  He has a heart for Disney just like me.

Nathan would declare different rides as his favorite every day and the list became a great source of humor as he got down to his sixth and seventh favorites and then forgot one and had to start over, reordering the entire list!

Once we finally got to the park, we had to take care of one special request that his grandmother had made.  She said he simply must get a set of Mickey Ears.  So we headed straight to the Mad Hatter and did just that.

 Yup, he chose a pair of R2-D2 style ears!

And he looked so dang cute in them!

We had started in Fantasyland and Nathan's first ride was Peter Pan's Flight.  It was so neat to watch his face as he took in the magic.  It didn't take long though for him to realize that there were some more 'thrilling' type rides in this park as well.  We ended up in Tomorrowland where he discovered what I think is one of his true favorites:

 

And my husband's favorite- anything with the Little Green Men on it:

Nathan was most into the 'big kid' rides, such as the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, the Matterhorn Bobsleds, and Space Mountain.  He also loved the theme rides like the Jungle Boat Cruise and Pirates Of The Caribbean.  Nathan was basically game for anything, even 'little kid' type activities and the only thing he decided that he didn't like were the lines!  That first day, Disneyland was a very busy place.  Thankfully the next two days were a lot less crowded.

We ended that first night with a yummy wood-fire cooked pizza at Naples in Downtown Disney.  It was fun to watch them make the pizzas right there in front of us.

This kid definitely had an awesome time!

Lucky

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Y'all!
Looks like all the last details for the trip to Disneyland, that will be starting tomorrow, are falling into place.  Whew, what a relief...
Tonight my friend averted another overnight hospital stay with her husband who is terminally ill with a lung disease. 
Until I started writing this blog I never realized how many really sick people I know.  I did notice that I know a lot of really strong people, though.  Couldn't help noticing that.
I've also noticed that despite everything I've mentioned here on this blog about the rough stuff I have gone through with my nephew, I can't help but see that he and I are oh, so, lucky.  My nephew has me in his life and I have him in mine.
Off to celebrate this wonderful truth!

Keepin' It Real

After a couple of months of living in a bit of la la land, some realities have come home to roost. 
What am I referring to?
Well, last December I got the wonderful news that my nephew would be going to live with his Dad.  This was something that desperately needed to happen.  Life was getting really complicated for this little guy and we were all overjoyed at the idea that he would be getting a real second chance.
I still could not possibly be any happier with the new living arrangements for my nephew.  He is definitely right where he is supposed to be.
However, a bit of reality has set in.  Don't get me wrong.  I am not ungrateful.  Just taking in some things on a deeper level.
So after the initial euphoria, the new reality is this:  My nephew is 9 years old.  Although he is an immature 9 socially, he is highly intelligent.  I cannot thank God above enough for that fact.  However, it turns out his social issues are pretty complicated.  This is going to require a lot of work.  9 is not an age that it is easy to learn things that should have been taken in at age 3 or 4.  And this guy has anger to spare, that's for sure.  And totally understandable.  The indicators are all there that this is going to be a 2 steps forward, 1 step back process.  Even things we know and accept rationally are not all that easy to accept emotionally. 
He has wonderful counselors and understanding teachers and relatives.  We are all in this together and we will love him through it.  And we will all learn a lot by going through this process.  For me, personally, it is hard to trust that everything will work out for the best.  I know I can be a bit of a control freak, but I continue to work on that.  In the end, this will be good for all of us.  We couldn't possibly be working together toward any greater goal.

Know Better, Do Better

Lately there have been numerous discussions between my nephew Nathan's Dad and I about his progress.  (To get some back story on Nathan, read this, this or this.)  He has only lived with his father for about 2 and a half months now.  It has been a wonderful time of much healing and love for both my nephew and his father.  We all expected to see changes in Nathan, but never realized just how quickly they would come.  He already speaks noticeably more clearly, even through the phone.  His confidence is much improved.  I think we are all surprised by how much having his son living with him has changed my nephew's father as well.  There is new hope surrounding both of them.

Picture from the last time I took Nathan to the Newport Aquarium on the Oregon Coast

There are also signs that this is going to be a long haul.  It is apparent that Nathan has never had anyone sit down and do homework with him.  Heck, he doesn't even remember to use utensils to eat his food all the time.  (He prefers his hands.  He is nine.)  He has acted out aggressively at school on several occasions.  He has verbalized that he is worried about having to go back to live with his mother.  He says, "I never wanted to be there."

But Dad is working diligently with the school and a really good councilor who sees how intelligent Nathan is and knows that his real issues are all personal and social.  (She called to get more family history on my sister, Nathan's mother, and I could tell she really gets the situation.)  Dad has been volunteering in Nathan's classroom every week.  He makes sure Nathan gets plenty of exercise and sleep.  Nathan has been taken for full check-ups at the doctor, optometrist and dentist.  The dentist said it was obvious that Nathan had never had his teeth cleaned before.  The poor kid had to have deep cleaning with the gas over several days.  (Nathan's mother had him on state medical and could have had this done for free.)    He got a couple of cavities filled too.

Even as Nathan's Dad and I have discussed the progress and how amazing it has been, we have both been plagued by guilt.  How could things have gotten this bad without any of us really noticing?  There are several behaviors that Nathan displayed over the years that were never normal for his age.  Somehow we just bought the idea that he was 'a little behind'.  Nathan's Dad and I are both ashamed of ourselves.  Loving him and hoping that things would change were just not enough.  Fear and drama got in the way of what this boy really needed.  

By the time we realized all of this, it took nearly 2 years to get him out of the hell he was living in.  Anyone who has read any of the other stuff I have written about Nathan knows how much I really do love this kid.  I won't beat up on myself too harshly, but I will say that I am sorry and really mean it.  Now that I know better, I will do better.  I promise. 

A Little Holiday Sharing

Yes, I must admit again how much more difficult it has been than I had imagined it would be to try to fit in some blogging during this holiday season.  But for all the right reasons.....
So much fun and frivolity, a truly enjoyable Christmas this year.  What an absolute gift.

And all of you that read and especially those that respond to what I have to say here are a fabulous gift as well.  So for that I say a heartfelt THANK YOU!  And I offer up a couple of photos that tell some of the story of how things have been for me this Christmas time:

The beauty of taking the time to use the good china and crystal.  Not because I feel I need to.  Instead, because I get to show my loved ones how special they are to me and how

much I feel they deserve to enjoy the best I have to offer.

                                     

A father and son.  Reunited.  Finally. 

This holiday season I have been shown again the important lesson that imperfect relationships are beautiful in their own right.  That the love we show to one another through the patience and tenacity we have as humans preserves that which we deem as necessary to our very existence.

A Happy Chaos

Just a quick update.  I have been caught up in the festivities, but I am still alive.
We are baking, wrapping, light looking, Santa visiting, and even birthday celebrating our way through a wonderful holiday this year.  Today my nephew is 9 years old!
Things are so much better for him than they were last year.
I will hopefully get a chance to post a lovely story for the season in the next few nights (,after my nephew has gone to bed.)  In the meantime, just know that I am grateful to be enjoying such a happy chaos this year!
Happy Christmas to all!

Christmas Miracles

Many of you have followed my family drama with considerable understanding and care.  I so appreciate your thoughts and I know I have felt the effects of your prayers.  While I do not intend to use this blog as a pity party, I also realize that dealing with my family is part of my personal growth process.  Hence, when stuff comes up, I must deal with it as part of what brings me to where I am going.  Figuratively and literally.  That being said, today's post is a good example of what I mean.

Along with much of the baggage that I have dropped over this past year, I seem to have found new eyes and a new heart for so many things in my life.  And the Christmas season seems to be the epitome of this phenomenon for me. 
A few days ago, I got a phone call from my nephew's father.  He told me that my sister had asked him to come and sign papers to transfer custody.  I was in such shock.  Something I had been wishing for, for so long, was finally coming to pass.  (For those who have not followed this- in a nutshell, my sister is addicted to prescription pain meds. Along with the fact that doing drugs is harmful to the act of raising children, she also got into some deep trouble with how she obtained said drugs, resulting in a coming prison sentence.  She has been fighting logic and not wanting to allow my nephew to live with his father.)  Of course, I couldn't believe this was actually happening so I had to wait until all i's were dotted and t's were crossed before I would even breathe a word of it to anyone.  Now it is official.  My nephew, Nathan, is living with his father- long term.  I am so happy and grateful.  My sister finally did something completely unselfish.  I believe this had to be a difficult decision and I know that somewhere inside she is truly hurting.  I can only hope that the hurt now will result in growth and less pain later.  It is not a good idea for me to contact my sister at this moment so I just want to put it out there in the universe that I love my sister and I thank her for this beautiful gift.
Having some respite from the long battle for my nephew's childhood has certainly added to an overall new ease that has come over me this December.  I have always enjoyed Christmas.  However, it seems to have been in spite of many things, rather than because of them.  My family was always good at presenting a lovely picture.  But holidays meant everything was tinged with anger.  As much as I never meant to take any of that into my own life and the way I celebrate, it is tough to break habits.  No matter how badly you want to.  This year, I have spent time getting reacquainted with old friends.  I have been able to enjoy the Christmas carols without feeling as if they are pushing me too roughly toward an inevitable test of my ability to perform under pressure.  I've done things in an easier way and it feels good.  My sister was right when she reminded me last year that, 'it doesn't have to be perfect'.  Decorating and celebrating have finally become more joyous and less burdensome. 
I'm only sorry that the time is short in a different way.  But maybe it doesn't have to be.  I've made plans to go away to a warm weather place for New Years.  And us uncharacteristic as it is for me, I have not made plans for what I will do or see when I get there.  I may actually be able to keep a bit of what Christmas is supposed to be all about, to share with my future.  I have made the connection in a real way this year, that you can't rely on others for your own happiness.  Sure, I always knew this rationally.  But those darn habits brought on by family ties have rarely led me to any sort of rational place.  And I have to admit that holidays can be an especially tough time to stop the cycle, no matter how good I am at living well in other aspects of my life.  Now I really know that Mom wasn't unhappy because I wasn't good enough and I really never had the ability to save my sister from herself.  People have to make their own happiness.  And this year, I'm not faking it.  That is no small miracle.



New Perspective

I got that call I was waiting for, on Monday afternoon.  The prosecutor called to let me know the outcome of my mother's sentencing hearing for her felony domestic violence assault conviction. 
The results in rational terms: 6 months in jail, 88 hours of community service, 3 years of probation, various fines, will never be eligible to work with kids, the elderly, etc.  She must pay for counseling for the minor child that witnessed her behavior until he is 18.  She must have a psychological exam and pay for and stay current with any treatment that is prescribed. 
The emotional toll: I had pretty much prepared myself for the guilt and sorrow that I knew would come.  What I never saw coming was the anger and disgust.  The prosecutor took the time to go over the whole hearing with me, line by line.  She felt that I needed to know what had happened because she wants to be sure that I get through the reality of just how bad my mother's mental issues are and how that still might effect me.  I have to say that this prosecutor has been so good to me.  She has taken extra time and energy to truly help me through this.  One particular issue that has cropped up in the past that involves me is that my mother sometimes believes that she is me.  She has even been known to commit petty crime and give my name.  Apparently, the hearing had to be stopped twice so that things could be clarified for my mother.  She felt that the papers that the judge was reading, that I had sent in, were all just things that I meant to say about my sister, not her.  Then she said, "that's O.K.  I understand because I used to be her."  My mother honestly believes that she groomed me so well that I am not capable of saying anything negative about her, that everything I wrote was meant to be directed at my sister.  She is also still convinced that we are the same person.  She has spoken many times about how she used to be me and she is not speaking metaphorically.  My mother means that we are one and the same person, as if I am some part that has broken away and needs to be reined in. 
If you are not totally weirded out at this point, then I'm sure you are starting to get why this is so hurtful.  It's as if no matter what I ever do, I will never truly be my own person in my mother's eyes.  She will never get to see who I have become.  She will never enjoy me as her daughter.  My personality, my emotions, my thoughts are an affront to her.  If anything unique and apart from her is seen in me, it is a problem meant to be squashed.  I knew this was an issue, but had secretly hoped that one day things would change.  The prosecutor reminded me that although things could change one day, I need to live my life as if it doesn't matter if they never do.
It took me a couple of days to digest all of this and get to a point that I can live with.  I know my mother needed to be stopped.  I hope that she gets some real help.  I also know that regardless of whatever she does or does not do with her life, mine will go on.  And I will enjoy it.  To the fullest.  I deserve it.  And honestly, especially after some of the things I read on others' blogs, I know that my life is good.  I know I am changing the pattern in my family for the better.  I will continue to look to the positive and refuse to wallow in the past.  My mother may never truly know me.  I will share what I have to offer with everyone in my life and trust that my unique gifts will be accepted and appreciated by those who are meant to receive them. 

Family Tradition

Been a little out of sorts lately.  I am really not always like this.  I swear I will have interesting things to say that are of a more fun variety.  Soon.
In the mean time, I got a call last Friday that blew my mind.  And my husbands mind, so I knew it wasn't just me. 
It's hard to explain without going into a lot of old business, but let's just say that someone is finally being stopped short for something that has gone on for years and years. 
Actually, enough with the cryptic crap.  I hate it that my family seems to be overly involved with the justice system, but it is what it is.  And it doesn't have to make me feel like a loser... 
My mother is now a convicted felon and will be sentenced on Monday the 29th of November.  A reign of terror that has caused hurt for so many people is coming to an abrupt halt.  She was convicted of felony domestic violence against my sister, for an event that happened last January.  (For those following this little soap opera, that would be my only sister who is the fine example of parenting these days.  Yes the whole apple and the tree thing...  I am hoping that this might signal a big change in some family dynamics, eventually.) 
The part that blows my mind is that the prosecutor called to tell me that the judge has decided that my mother is not eligible for the minimum based on information that I provided.  The minimum is 90 days.  It seems that I was able to prove a pattern of behavior, which will be one of the biggest deciding factors in what her sentence will be.  The prosecutor will call me after the proceeding to let me know what the ultimate decision is.
Let me tell you, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions.  I honestly believed that nothing would ever come of this.  Most people think that my mother is the nicest so and so around, at least until she blows up in their face or tries to run them over with her car.  Yes, that has really happened.  And then people just walk away and stop being her friend, leaving her to continue taking her rage out on her family.  I am in disbelief that the facade has finally crumbled.  That someone has finally seen what has really been going on for all this time.  I feel vindicated and guilty all at once.  I am grateful that my sister will see that this behavior is truly wrong and maybe take a look at her own.  I am sad that it took so long.  I haven't come to terms with the idea that my words and evidence will lead to a more severe sentence for my own mother.  I wonder who my sister might have been if my mother had gotten help or been different.  The roller coaster hasn't stopped yet...
As I sort through all these feelings, I am ultimately at some sort of peace.  My family is changing, though the process is raw and difficult.  I know that I am contributing in a positive way. 
My husband and I will be spending Thanksgiving with my nephew and his father and their family.  We will celebrate a good moment with a family that has been waiting for this for a long time.  We will be part of something bigger than ourselves.  Part of something that could contribute to a better future.  I really can't ask for anything more.  Happy Thanksgiving.

Aunt On A Mission

My sister is a woman of many talents.  She is intelligent and resourceful.  However, the things she chooses to do with her talents are questionable, to put it nicely. 
It seems she's found a really great way to avoid important court dates, like the one she missed today. See, if you want to continue on with your pathetic life consisting of dragging your children down with you to lower and lower depths, then the thing to do is to keep missing custody hearings by checking your drugged out self into the hospital the night before a hearing.  SIX TIMES over the past two years.
Either my sister has the worst, luck, ever. Or she's up to her usual level of seriously manipulating whatever situation she is in. Just when you think she's backed into a corner and couldn't possibly slime her way out of it, start following the slime trail. That trail is long and slippery...
Let me tell you, this is one of those times that my husband actually counted me down- 3, 2, 1... He does that when he knows that I'm about to do something like spin my head around and blow pea soup. I didn't. I kept it cool. Only because I really wanted some answers. And because when I do have one of my rare true blow ups, I don't always remember just what I've said...and that can be bad.
I spent most of my day with a judges assistant and a parole officer. They are now quite aware of just how obvious some behavior patterns have become. And how tired I am of nothing being done about said behavior patterns.
Although my sister was unable to represent her side of the issue today, the process is now moving on without her. Just as it should be. My nephew, Nathan, will be spending the remainder of this year with his father, sharing the holiday season with his Dad for the first time in 5 years.  I think the judge finally got it when we pointed out that with every second chance that my sister is given, my nephew LOSES yet another chance at any sort of normal childhood.
I get it. These people see a lot of cases.  Many that are just like my nephew's. Unfortunately, there are many kids without someone who loves them enough to fight for them. I was that kid at one time, and I refuse to stand by and watch my nephew suffer alone. I know what it's like to be told that no one will ever believe you and feel as if that is true.
Unfortunately Nathan has learned to lie, that the truth gets you into trouble. He doesn't really know what the truth is any more. He has a hard time trusting anyone. But he is also bright and unique and deserves all the support that it's going to take to get him back on track to enjoy a normal life one day.  It has been an ugly trip already, but I swear my nephew will learn that people love him and will be there for him, no matter how hard this journey gets.

A Deal

On Thursday, my husband will be sitting for the Construction And Evaluation Of Actuarial Models Exam C.  The who, the what? Yeah, I know.
At one time, we were happily rolling along with him working in finance at a local natural gas company.  It was a good job, but not very exciting or challenging.  O.K. so actuarial work has a reputation for being purposefully UN-exciting, but as for the challenging part: most definitely. 
Well, about four years ago, my husband realized that all signs were pointing to the fact that the gas company he was working at was ripe for a buy out.  Thankfully, he saw this about six months before the word became official.  This gave us time to think about what he would do in case of said buy out.
As my husband pondered the possibilities, he started talking about doing something I had never heard of.  He wanted to become an actuary.  He told me that this idea had always been in the back of his mind.  He had sometimes wondered if he should have pursued this.  But he had a math professor in college that made him promise he wouldn't go any further in the field of math as he wasn't the ideal math student.    So, being the 'rule follower' that he is, he figured he had given his word and that door was closed.  Not so much, it turns out.  After all, he married me and (especially after I turned 30) something in me just yearns to break the rules.  So, as soon as I knew that he had a dream to try something other than what he was currently doing, it was on, baby!  (Besides, maybe he doesn't churn out math like a machine, but he was a Math and English double major at an Ivy League school.  So he's no slouch.)
Once the decision was made, my husband quickly moved into a position at a property casualty insurance company and began the process of working through actuarial exams.  To say that these exams are difficult is an understatement.  There are nine of them, each requiring at least 300 hours of study.  Only a small number of people ever bother to even try taking these suckers.  And among those who do take the tests, the pass rate is about 30-40% for each one.  So in essence, if you can pass about one a year, you're golden.  This is what is expected for the industry, as many people are weeded out along the way.  So far so good, my husband has been at this for about four years and is on his fourth exam.
Now hang in here with me just a little bit longer.  This is where it gets interesting.  Over time, the two of us have realized some key ingredients in a much better pass rate for my husband.  (So he doesn't have to take each exam more than once.)  These things are not what we would have expected.  It doesn't seem to matter how many extra hours he studies.  It doesn't matter which study aids he uses- flash cards, books, study guides.  The big surprising key is this:  It matters that I stay interested and present in this process with him.  We have found that although I do not understand math or statistics at the level he must perform at, I do know how to keep my husband's spirit up and positive.  I know what it takes for him to focus, but not burn out.  If I just leave him to study and 'put in the hours', the hours don't add up to nearly as much learning and true understanding of the subject for my husband.  There's more than just the sum of all the parts going on here.  Some of the parts carry more weight than others.  And the cool part is that I get to be an integral part of all of this.  The end result is going to mean more because we are in this together. 
So, to get through this process, we've made a bit of a deal.  We both give up some time and energy for the total cause and in the end we'll both reap the benefits of a lot of hard work.  This really isn't anything new.  Families do this sort of thing all the time.  I just never saw myself with a stopwatch and an answer key that looks like Greek to me...

Thanksgiving in Texas?

Just when I thought I had some kind of hold on what might be happening on the job hunting front- nope, not so much.  After the excitement of finding out that two employers are interested, there has been no word on the actual upcoming interview dates.
So, I do recall saying that it would be fun to spend Thanksgiving in Texas this year.  I meant that it would be good to have Thanksgiving in Texas because I was hoping that we might be lucky enough to get all settled into a new place before the start of the holiday season.  Not that I wanted to be hanging out in a hotel in Texas during Thanksgiving week.  I guess you have to be careful what you ask for...
In the meantime, we're hosting a great big Halloween costume and pumpkin carving party.  Should be a great time.  And most importantly, my Nephew's latest custody hearing went very well for his father.  There is now serious progress in the quest to get that little boy some real stability in his life.  I have to admit that I never believed that fathers have a tougher time getting custody of their kids if the mothers were unfit, but I have to say I was so wrong.  Over the last three years I have seen my sisters life go from bad to horrific and no one seems all that worried about what happens to a child in her care.  I have actually heard a judge declare that a mothers drug use doesn't necessarily affect her kids.  Please...what planet do you have to be living on to think that kids don't hurt when their mom puts drugs before them?
For now, I'm grateful for the important stuff getting closer to a resolution.  I'll enjoy some of the lighter side of life and I'll try waiting patiently for some news on the job opportunities in Texas.

Vows & Whispers

Last weekend, I went to the beautiful autumn-themed wedding of a long-time family friend.  (What a great opportunity to put one of those dresses in the back of my closet, with tags still on them to use!)   I was there on behalf of the bride.  Her oldest brother was one of my best friends in high school and his sister became a little sister to me.  These people have been in my life for about 15 years. 
This bride is very blessed.  She comes from an absolutely fabulous family.  I remember hanging out at their house as much as possible, just drinking in the acceptance and love that this family offered to everyone that came through their door.  This family is not what you would expect from their outside image.  Their stats don't speak for who they really are. 
Upon meeting these people, the first thing you notice is that there are more of them than in an average size family.  There are eight children, making them a family of ten.  The next obvious thing about them is that the father in the family is a pastor of a church.  These two aspects alone make most people jump to certain stereotypical conclusions.  These people do not fit the mold for a typical church family.
Over the countless hours I've spent with this family, I learned many surprising things.  I found out that the mother is seriously funny.  She is a spitfire.  She loves beer and pizza, especially while playing Rummy.  She puts her family first, but never loses herself.  She blew off her college graduation ceremony to run off and get married because she felt that it wouldn't be right to wear white for the ceremony if she waited much longer!  It turns out that this family ended up with eight kids, not by design but, because they had some serious birth control failures which they have joked about on occasion.  Each of these eight kids was given the mental and physical room they needed to become exactly who they were meant to be, not a carbon copy of one another or a part of a generic brood. 
While they are not a perfect family, their kids are loved and have always felt safe to say or ask anything.  I have spent some of my best times as an honorary extra family member for road trips and other events.  It's a marvel to see any family that runs well and really cool for it to be one of this size.  This family knows how to make you feel truly accepted and it's fun to watch peoples faces when you file into a restaurant or campground as a family of 16, our 'mother' proudly claiming all of us.  I've recently found a blog that reminds me a bit of my family friends over at Table For Nine.
During the wedding celebration of my 'little sister', I noticed a few very striking things.  The first thing: Having her father be the one to marry her to her new husband was so awesome.  It really changed the dynamics of the ceremony for me.  This is the oldest daughter and first to be married.  You could just feel the bond of a father laying out his love for his daughter and entrusting her dreams to the man she marries.  It was as if a torch of respect was being passed between them, for this woman that they both love so much.
The second thing:  This one was sad.  There were whispered rude remarks about the man that this woman was marrying.  He is somewhat older than the bride.  He has a fourteen year old son who served as best man during the ceremony and gave a funny heartfelt toast that involved a mad lib treatment.  Not sure whether the new husband has been married before or not.  I didn't ask about any of these things because it doesn't matter.  I had spoken with the bride several weeks before the wedding about how she was feeling during the preparations.  We had a great conversation.  Although I don't personally know her new husband, I trust her judgement and the family that she comes from.  Her family was obviously very happy for her.  That's all that should matter to anyone. 
The last thing I noticed: the new husband seemed a bit shy and somewhat overwhelmed.  He reminded me of my own husband in some ways.  They are both men who are quiet when you first meet them.  But I'm sure that like my husband, there's a lot more to him once you get to know him.  I made a point to go over and talk to him when he was alone.  I said, "You did the same thing my husband did.  You married the life of the party."  He replied in a satisfied tone, "Yes, I did."  We both laughed at that and then quietly watched his new wife work the room for a while.  I left him with this, "You're going to have a great life."
I'm going to ask them over for dinner in the next couple of weeks.  I want to make a point of getting to know my new 'brother-in-law'.  He is lucky to be a part of a wonderful family and I want to help welcome him in.  I know a good thing when I see it.