Twisted

It's that time of year again.  No, not about the holiday hoopla coming up.  Instead, I mean the time of year when I KNOW that certain people are not doing so well.  This is the beginning of the time when all of those lovely folks in my family that suffer from some type of mental illness or another go on the prowl every year.  Some years are scarier than others.  It is the season in which I am likely to wake up shaking or screaming.  My poor husband has grown used to this.  I have already heard from one friend who has been called several times to see if her husband can fix a computer- a computer that's been dead for years...  Anything to try to connect with those who cannot legally be contacted.  Thank God for restraining orders and felony probation.  Seriously, let's hope this year is a mild one!

I have to admit that even though I get stronger and wiser over time about how kooky my family can be and how normal and peaceful life is now, my subconscious is not always on board.  So with that in mind, I'll share an especially wild dream from the other night.  I feel this one is special because even I didn't know that my mind was quite so creative. 

In the dream, life is beyond wonderful.  Fabulous really.  Things are good beyond imagination.  It is truly sweet in so many ways.  The colors are sun warmed and lovely.  There is a picnic in the park and the food is magazine perfect.  The temperature is perfect.  The view is gorgeous.  I am surrounded by loving family.  People who have been especially cruel to me are there as well, but they are different.  Very different.  My aunt who is is brash and mean is kind and loving.  My grandmother is no longer a drunk.  She makes a point of apologizing for her past actions and promises to be different from here on out.  Many seem to acknowledge in some magical unspoken way that they are sorry for the way they knowingly left my sister and I to suffer in an unhealthy home.  It is all just so much to take in.  I feel loved and protected and content.  Content beyond anything I can ever remember feeling in my whole life, ever.  There is no hiding, no sadness, no ugliness, no drugs, no lies, no manipulation.

I can only guess this must be somewhat like what people who are addicted to drugs might feel.  That euphoria I have heard of...  Because the next thing I know I am awake and it is cold, sharp, dark.  There is a deep emotional pain that is nearly physical in nature.  I am literally terrified.  

And then I realize- this is it.  The beginning of the season of nightmares.  It is right on time.  It always starts in November, when my mother would be in the process of angering the rest of the family to the point that we would not be welcome for the holidays.  And we would be alone, facing her mental illness at its full brutal force. 

I am able to recognize the feelings I am having and rationalize where they come from.  And then I also manage to see the glaring thing that was missing from my dream.  My mother and my sister were not there.  Yes indeed, even in my wildest fantasies, I know that these two are a lost cause.  Ah, progress...  Maybe next time I won't be fooled at all.

What I learned from a 'Sun Break'

Boy do I feel like I missed a bunch while I was away!  My friend had her baby, a month prematurely and now I need to get crackin' on that blanket I was planning to make.  (I'm really good with a project that only requires straight seams.)  The baby is well.  All the bloggers seem to be up to so much what with the New Year here and all.  It was worth it though, to be in sunny weather like I won't see here in the Northwest until at least May.  It wasn't quite summer weather, but I'll settle for warm spring-like temps. instead of the freezing cold we had here.  I will post some pictures from the trip as soon as I get them loaded up onto my computer. 
So I learned a few things from this little get away:
It turns out this was just the right time to step out of my 'real life' for a moment.  I missed out on some family holiday drama that ended up taking care of itself.  Seems I keep getting the message that sometimes it's best if I just leave things alone.  My worrying doesn't often change things, at least not for the better.  Maybe I can finally stop getting that message, if I will just heed it.
I also really experienced first hand that, at least for me, waking up to the sun shining makes a real difference.  I've never thought of myself as having Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I could be wrong.  All I know is that even though it was still a bit chilly that sunshine just made my heart sing.
Just a little indulgence and luxury really does do me some good. 
If you do a ton of walking (like at least 5 miles a day) you can eat out a whole bunch and come back a pound lighter than when you left!  That, my friends, is amazing.
Lastly, petsitters who leave my bathroom and kitchen trashed will NOT be hired again!  I always make sure the house is spotless before I leave for a vacation so I can relax upon my return, not needing to clean things up right away.  I am a bit of a domestic goddess and don't appreciate those who can't see that their mess does not belong in my domain.
Happy New Year, everybody!  Here's to a fabulous 2011 that I hope will find everyone just where they want to be, doing just what they want to do with those that they cherish!

A Little Holiday Sharing

Yes, I must admit again how much more difficult it has been than I had imagined it would be to try to fit in some blogging during this holiday season.  But for all the right reasons.....
So much fun and frivolity, a truly enjoyable Christmas this year.  What an absolute gift.

And all of you that read and especially those that respond to what I have to say here are a fabulous gift as well.  So for that I say a heartfelt THANK YOU!  And I offer up a couple of photos that tell some of the story of how things have been for me this Christmas time:

The beauty of taking the time to use the good china and crystal.  Not because I feel I need to.  Instead, because I get to show my loved ones how special they are to me and how

much I feel they deserve to enjoy the best I have to offer.

                                     

A father and son.  Reunited.  Finally. 

This holiday season I have been shown again the important lesson that imperfect relationships are beautiful in their own right.  That the love we show to one another through the patience and tenacity we have as humans preserves that which we deem as necessary to our very existence.

Christmas Party Musings

As a new blogger, this is my first go round at fitting this blogging thing into the holiday season.  I admit I have not been doing a great job.  Your patience with me is soooo appreciated. 

With that said, I will treat you to some pointers I picked up from a little shindig that I attended this past Saturday night. 

1)  It's never a good sign when the laughing Santa face on the door sounds mysteriously like Freddy Kruger...

2)  Your 10 year old belting out Christmas carols is entertainment enough.  She's not required to circulate the entire party for the 15 minutes between performances loudly announcing when her next 'show' is going to start. 

3)  Low fat, no taste food resembling cardboard will NOT get eaten, especially when little old ladies keep bringing the good stuff.
 
4)  If you're gonna' make us play games, there had better be prizes involved.

5)  Having Asian friends and then spouting 'Oh good, our Asian friends are here' doesn't make you politically correct in any way, shape or form.

6)  Any guest who feels the urge to breastfeed her child, WAY TOO NEARLY COMPLETELY TOPLESS, parked right in the center of the room, next to the lovely bedazzled and festooned Christmas tree should probably bedazzle and festoon herself as well.  That way, people wouldn't be as apt to keep making those funny u-turns right back out of the room.

The party goers, including us, had a great time in spite of the weirdness.  The holiday season honestly is somehow magical and there's nothing better than a true, good, hearty laugh.  Myself, I hadn't laughed that hard in a really long time. 

Christmas Miracles

Many of you have followed my family drama with considerable understanding and care.  I so appreciate your thoughts and I know I have felt the effects of your prayers.  While I do not intend to use this blog as a pity party, I also realize that dealing with my family is part of my personal growth process.  Hence, when stuff comes up, I must deal with it as part of what brings me to where I am going.  Figuratively and literally.  That being said, today's post is a good example of what I mean.

Along with much of the baggage that I have dropped over this past year, I seem to have found new eyes and a new heart for so many things in my life.  And the Christmas season seems to be the epitome of this phenomenon for me. 
A few days ago, I got a phone call from my nephew's father.  He told me that my sister had asked him to come and sign papers to transfer custody.  I was in such shock.  Something I had been wishing for, for so long, was finally coming to pass.  (For those who have not followed this- in a nutshell, my sister is addicted to prescription pain meds. Along with the fact that doing drugs is harmful to the act of raising children, she also got into some deep trouble with how she obtained said drugs, resulting in a coming prison sentence.  She has been fighting logic and not wanting to allow my nephew to live with his father.)  Of course, I couldn't believe this was actually happening so I had to wait until all i's were dotted and t's were crossed before I would even breathe a word of it to anyone.  Now it is official.  My nephew, Nathan, is living with his father- long term.  I am so happy and grateful.  My sister finally did something completely unselfish.  I believe this had to be a difficult decision and I know that somewhere inside she is truly hurting.  I can only hope that the hurt now will result in growth and less pain later.  It is not a good idea for me to contact my sister at this moment so I just want to put it out there in the universe that I love my sister and I thank her for this beautiful gift.
Having some respite from the long battle for my nephew's childhood has certainly added to an overall new ease that has come over me this December.  I have always enjoyed Christmas.  However, it seems to have been in spite of many things, rather than because of them.  My family was always good at presenting a lovely picture.  But holidays meant everything was tinged with anger.  As much as I never meant to take any of that into my own life and the way I celebrate, it is tough to break habits.  No matter how badly you want to.  This year, I have spent time getting reacquainted with old friends.  I have been able to enjoy the Christmas carols without feeling as if they are pushing me too roughly toward an inevitable test of my ability to perform under pressure.  I've done things in an easier way and it feels good.  My sister was right when she reminded me last year that, 'it doesn't have to be perfect'.  Decorating and celebrating have finally become more joyous and less burdensome. 
I'm only sorry that the time is short in a different way.  But maybe it doesn't have to be.  I've made plans to go away to a warm weather place for New Years.  And us uncharacteristic as it is for me, I have not made plans for what I will do or see when I get there.  I may actually be able to keep a bit of what Christmas is supposed to be all about, to share with my future.  I have made the connection in a real way this year, that you can't rely on others for your own happiness.  Sure, I always knew this rationally.  But those darn habits brought on by family ties have rarely led me to any sort of rational place.  And I have to admit that holidays can be an especially tough time to stop the cycle, no matter how good I am at living well in other aspects of my life.  Now I really know that Mom wasn't unhappy because I wasn't good enough and I really never had the ability to save my sister from herself.  People have to make their own happiness.  And this year, I'm not faking it.  That is no small miracle.



Family Tradition

Been a little out of sorts lately.  I am really not always like this.  I swear I will have interesting things to say that are of a more fun variety.  Soon.
In the mean time, I got a call last Friday that blew my mind.  And my husbands mind, so I knew it wasn't just me. 
It's hard to explain without going into a lot of old business, but let's just say that someone is finally being stopped short for something that has gone on for years and years. 
Actually, enough with the cryptic crap.  I hate it that my family seems to be overly involved with the justice system, but it is what it is.  And it doesn't have to make me feel like a loser... 
My mother is now a convicted felon and will be sentenced on Monday the 29th of November.  A reign of terror that has caused hurt for so many people is coming to an abrupt halt.  She was convicted of felony domestic violence against my sister, for an event that happened last January.  (For those following this little soap opera, that would be my only sister who is the fine example of parenting these days.  Yes the whole apple and the tree thing...  I am hoping that this might signal a big change in some family dynamics, eventually.) 
The part that blows my mind is that the prosecutor called to tell me that the judge has decided that my mother is not eligible for the minimum based on information that I provided.  The minimum is 90 days.  It seems that I was able to prove a pattern of behavior, which will be one of the biggest deciding factors in what her sentence will be.  The prosecutor will call me after the proceeding to let me know what the ultimate decision is.
Let me tell you, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions.  I honestly believed that nothing would ever come of this.  Most people think that my mother is the nicest so and so around, at least until she blows up in their face or tries to run them over with her car.  Yes, that has really happened.  And then people just walk away and stop being her friend, leaving her to continue taking her rage out on her family.  I am in disbelief that the facade has finally crumbled.  That someone has finally seen what has really been going on for all this time.  I feel vindicated and guilty all at once.  I am grateful that my sister will see that this behavior is truly wrong and maybe take a look at her own.  I am sad that it took so long.  I haven't come to terms with the idea that my words and evidence will lead to a more severe sentence for my own mother.  I wonder who my sister might have been if my mother had gotten help or been different.  The roller coaster hasn't stopped yet...
As I sort through all these feelings, I am ultimately at some sort of peace.  My family is changing, though the process is raw and difficult.  I know that I am contributing in a positive way. 
My husband and I will be spending Thanksgiving with my nephew and his father and their family.  We will celebrate a good moment with a family that has been waiting for this for a long time.  We will be part of something bigger than ourselves.  Part of something that could contribute to a better future.  I really can't ask for anything more.  Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving in Texas?

Just when I thought I had some kind of hold on what might be happening on the job hunting front- nope, not so much.  After the excitement of finding out that two employers are interested, there has been no word on the actual upcoming interview dates.
So, I do recall saying that it would be fun to spend Thanksgiving in Texas this year.  I meant that it would be good to have Thanksgiving in Texas because I was hoping that we might be lucky enough to get all settled into a new place before the start of the holiday season.  Not that I wanted to be hanging out in a hotel in Texas during Thanksgiving week.  I guess you have to be careful what you ask for...
In the meantime, we're hosting a great big Halloween costume and pumpkin carving party.  Should be a great time.  And most importantly, my Nephew's latest custody hearing went very well for his father.  There is now serious progress in the quest to get that little boy some real stability in his life.  I have to admit that I never believed that fathers have a tougher time getting custody of their kids if the mothers were unfit, but I have to say I was so wrong.  Over the last three years I have seen my sisters life go from bad to horrific and no one seems all that worried about what happens to a child in her care.  I have actually heard a judge declare that a mothers drug use doesn't necessarily affect her kids.  Please...what planet do you have to be living on to think that kids don't hurt when their mom puts drugs before them?
For now, I'm grateful for the important stuff getting closer to a resolution.  I'll enjoy some of the lighter side of life and I'll try waiting patiently for some news on the job opportunities in Texas.

One Last Hurrah

Halloween is descending upon us.  That means only one thing- the Holidays are right around the corner.
Now in my perfect world, I should be in Texas by the end of this month.  That would mean that I would be in prime position to take advantage of a lot more sun than we get here in the Great Northwest for the above mentioned impending Holidays.  And I would have maximum time to get used to the heat that comes along with that sun that will make me feel as if I might just be living on the sun by oh, say, next August if not sooner.
Chances are better than really good that I'm not going to be in Southeast Texas by the end of this month.
In fact, I may not be there in time to hang Christmas lights on a palm tree (or even a cactus if I must) as I have planned.  No, I don't care if that's the first thing my new neighbors will find strange about me.  Whoever my new neighbors end up to be, they will just have to get used to the idea that I could very easily end up as their latest form of free entertainment.  In these times, free is good.  Besides, I'll be from out of town so I'll have the perfect excuse to be weird.
Some of my friends have said that it would be great if we don't get to move until next Spring.  Now I understand; they have a dog in this fight.  They would like to have one last hurrah.  Our house is the place where most of the fall/winter events end up at and change is hard to deal with.  So for the time being, I am going to accept that this is where I am supposed to be and enjoy it as much as possible.
It's been great lately, doing all kinds of things that I don't always make time for.  I am also using this time to be sure that my friendships are good and solid.  I will need these people to get through this move and beyond.  I have no intention of losing touch simply because of distance.  I realize that things will naturally change, but I want to do my best for those who are here with me in the now and yet may still have space for me in their lives in the future.  I am grateful for the chance to be able to reflect and appreciate the people I love while receiving their support for my future dreams.
So here's to a wonderful last hurrah, whatever and whenever that turns out to be.