So for now I'm working my butt off (quite literally) day in and day out and tonight I'm busy wrapping my nephews gifts in the color of money. Cuz' I'm teaching him what I know to be true- that success really is the best revenge.
And I know the current POTUS thinks I'm one of those evil small business bastards that should be taxed the hell out of, so to that I say: anybody who wants to kill my initiative and ingenuity can kiss my...
Oh yeah. Sorry. I was being all positive and everything....
Here's a kick butt Christmas tree story instead.
So I show up to one of my regular clients homes and there's a new request added to the list of party preparation. Seems there's a tree in the garage that needs to be put in a stand and brought into the house.
OK, I'm game. The tree looks like any other regular type fresh cut Christmas tree, all baled up and sitting in a big bucket of water.
I walk over and try to lift the tree out to see how it'll fit into the tree stand.
I swear to you, that tree had to have sucked up enough water to choke a horse. It was HEAVY. I mean, 'holy crap I think I might have herniated something' heavy. And it didn't look anywhere near big enough to be even slightly that heavy.
So I got some help to get the tree out of the bucket and into the stand. Nobody else could understand how a tree of such 'regular' size could be that heavy either...
Then we all noticed how the size of the trunk was no way gonna' fit into any regular size stand. The base of that thing had to have been 8 inches across and the stand would only hold something maybe 5 inches across.
So we did what anybody in the mode of getting that stupid tree to fit into the stand would do. We got out an electric saw and started hacking away at the base until we were finally able to stuff it into the stand.
Great. We had a tree in a stand. Let's bring it into the house.
Except that when we got the tree into the house somebody noticed that all the bottom branches had been cut off and were just being held on by the baling that was tied all around the tree. So, of course, when the baling was removed the tree was branch-less at the bottom for at least 2 feet. I guess somebody might have mentioned that the idea was that the tree would be cut off at the bottom and the lowest branches were to be used as greenery for decorations.
Oops. Nobody had informed me. That would also help to explain why when we hoisted the tree upright inside the house, the top was scraping the ceiling...
So now we needed to take the tree out of the stand, re-cut it and get it back into the stand. Did I mention that somebody thought we better hurry up and put water into the stand so that heavy ass water logged tree wouldn't lose all its needles or anything? Yeah, brilliant. Because moving that tree that was already losing pounds of needles wasn't nearly enough fun on its own. Having a huge puddle of water on the hard wood floor was so much better...
Back outside we went with the tree. Using a neighbors borrowed saw, we cut that sucker back to a point where the tree trunk would fit nicely into the stand. Great. Only now the baling had been removed from the tree and it was nearly too fat to fit back inside the door.
We did get that super heavy, now shorter tree back into the house. It only took 3 people tugging and shoving and one person getting slightly injured to get it done.
The tree was lovely. So green and nicely shaped.
No one would ever guess how difficult it had been to tame that beast into the beauty that it now is.
But wait. There's more! That tree had more surprises in store for us.
It had a giant lady bug nest in it that we discovered while trying to get packages sent out to the UPS guy. Yes, just picture it. Ladybugs everywhere and one very confused UPS dude.
And it was only after the tree had been sprayed for the ladybugs that the wasp flew out of it, very suddenly, dive bombing across the room so as to scare the livin' hell right out of all of us that were left still doing party prep.
At this point I looked at the homeowner and stated clearly that if a squirrel suddenly flew out of the tree, then that would be it. I was out.
He said he understood.
That's it. That's my story. All true, as I said. Now I wish all of you and yours the very best this Christmas and I hope that your tree is drama free this year!!!
***all images in this blog post courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net***