The explanation is long and complicated and I won't go into it all right now.
Just understand that for most of my life I have needed to be a 'planner'. I needed to keep the balls in the air and moving in the right direction. Nobody else was going to do it and there really was true risk to losing track of all the balls; risks that involve loss of my family, my dignity and my actual physical life, starting at a very young age. So I took up the job and I got very good at. Simply the best, you might say.
In taking up a 'job' that I never really wanted, but didn't see any way out of, I managed to lose a lot of myself. After doing said 'job' for years and years, I forgot about that other real me that was hiding deep inside.
I might have forgotten, but it turns out she's still there!
She was there all along- just waiting for me to call her back out to play!
|Silhouette Of Child On Beach, Anusorn P nacho||found at freedigitalphotos.net|
The hidden me laughs as everyone has been asking, "why California now?"
"I thought you were dead set on Texas" they say.
"Weren't there a lot of things about California that bug you?" they ask.
Frankly, there's a lot of things that bug me about a lot things. Oh well!
We've loved California enough to buy a second home there. And that's not a small thing. Also, California has been good to us over the years. It's where we renewed our vows 7 years ago. It's where most of my best memories of fun vacations with friends have happened. It's a place that, despite its imperfections, my inner me has always truly loved.
And I know now that I deserve to go down to SoCal and enjoy it; for whatever it's worth and for however long it works for me. There are no rules and I'm not required to keep any balls in the air.