The explanation is long and complicated and I won't go into it all right now.
Just understand that for most of my life I have needed to be a 'planner'. I needed to keep the balls in the air and moving in the right direction. Nobody else was going to do it and there really was true risk to losing track of all the balls; risks that involve loss of my family, my dignity and my actual physical life, starting at a very young age. So I took up the job and I got very good at. Simply the best, you might say.
In taking up a 'job' that I never really wanted, but didn't see any way out of, I managed to lose a lot of myself. After doing said 'job' for years and years, I forgot about that other real me that was hiding deep inside.
I might have forgotten, but it turns out she's still there!
She was there all along- just waiting for me to call her back out to play!
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| Silhouette Of Child On Beach, Anusorn P nacho | found at freedigitalphotos.net |
The hidden me laughs as everyone has been asking, "why California now?"
"I thought you were dead set on Texas" they say.
"Weren't there a lot of things about California that bug you?" they ask.
Frankly, there's a lot of things that bug me about a lot things. Oh well!
We've loved California enough to buy a second home there. And that's not a small thing. Also, California has been good to us over the years. It's where we renewed our vows 7 years ago. It's where most of my best memories of fun vacations with friends have happened. It's a place that, despite its imperfections, my inner me has always truly loved.
And I know now that I deserve to go down to SoCal and enjoy it; for whatever it's worth and for however long it works for me. There are no rules and I'm not required to keep any balls in the air.
I never fight happiness, and I am blessed with a great deal of it - except when it comes to politics. Maybe because it would be impossible for our president to keep balls in the air.
ReplyDeleteJJ, I strive to emulate you when it comes to accepting and living in happiness. I hope I can become as natural in the state of happiness as I have been in my hyper vigilance to keep everyone else happy over the years.
DeleteOf course we agree on politics and will both remain annoyed with that, but thankfully that doesn't dictate our happiness!
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ReplyDeleteYep, I hear you.. I learned a long time ago how to see trouble and side step it. You do learn to plan for unexpected and no it's not a job you want and neither is taking care of everyone else minus you. I learned a couple decades ago to stop and take care of me. Look for things that matter for my little family and what makes me happy makes them happy. Lord knows, there are lots of questions as to why aren't doing x y or z anymore. Simple. I don't choose to. Y'all are perfectly capable. If not? No time like the present to learn.:-)
ReplyDeleteSia McKye Over Coffee
It's freeing to let go and let others do what they ought to have been doing all along! If they can't or won't do it, oh well. It might be interesting (and funny) to watch what develops.
DeleteTo answer your question: yes. It took near death experiences (2) to make me stop being "crazy glue" for my world and start really enjoying even the smallest of things. I had to completely loose control, have it literally stripped from me, to realize what is truly important in life.
ReplyDeleteI have spent a fair amount of my life trying very hard to learn from others mistakes. However, as so many women especially do, I seem to have been drawn in to learn this one myself. It is only by the grace of God that I have not paid seriously with my own health for needing to learn this the hard way. I did start having heart palpitations, terrorizing nightmares and serious asthma attacks before I could actually let it go.
Delete<<<<---In taking up a 'job' that I never really wanted, but didn't see any way out of, I managed to lose a lot of myself. After doing said 'job' for years and years, I forgot about that other real me that was hiding deep inside.
ReplyDeleteI might have forgotten, but it turns out she's still there!
She was there all along- just waiting for me to call her back out to play!
This really struck home with me. The job I took up (as you know) was marrying my ex. That was a job I thought I wanted but I really didn't. I had no idea what the job description actually was when I said "Yes." I thought I knew, but I was wrong. And he and I had very different ideas about his job description. Throw in two unexpected kids, who desperately needed me, and it makes it really hard to say, "I made a mistake. I don't want this. I want the kids, but I don't want this man. This mess. This wrecking ball in my life." And so I stayed and I lost parts of myself that I thought I might never get back.
I was wrong. I am slowly reclaiming my life. And finding new parts of myself. And healing the old parts. Basically just doing all of this work on me so that I can find my joy again. And it has meant doing many things I never anticipated doing. And that is okay. In fact, it is good.
And so have you... in healing yourself you became open to possibilities that before alluded you. Or you said, "No," because you were certain you wouldn't like it. I think once we start saying "Yes" to unfamiliar and unexpected things it gets easier to keep saying "Yes." Especially for people who said "Yes" to unhealthy things. We have to go this period of constantly saying "No" to protect ourselves. Once we know we are capable of making good choices, we don't have to be such No-Oriented people. We have figured out our boundaries (no easy task there).
So, when CA came around you said "Yes." And it felt good. It doesn't mean that you are saying "No" to TX forever... just right now. Right now CA works for you and TX doesn't. And it is good. As you say, "There are no rules."
I am happy you are happy:)
I know that you more than understand just where I am coming from on this. For the past 10 years I have had to say no to so much, just to keep myself balanced. Saying no to the outside world was the first step in saying yes to me. Learning how to put yourself first is not easy when you have never done it before. Oh, but it is worth it!
DeleteAlso, I am not afraid to feel stupid for having changed my mind or doing things that I swore I wouldn't. It's freeing to be able to admit to mistakes and know that simple mistakes won't mean disaster.
DeleteI fight with doing what I have to do to be happy, if that makes sense. It's a daily battle within myself. I happy for you, find yourself again, do the best you can and revel in the happiness. ;)
ReplyDeleteYup, no more worrying about trying to keep everyone else on balance. Turns out those people are so far off balance I couldn't ever fix their world and I've finally stopped trying. I can sense that you are one who wants to help everyone and try to keep the boat from rocking too much for the people you love. Maybe try doing a little more for you and riding the waves a bit. It's more fun than it looks and everyone will survive!
DeleteGlad to hear Southern California has treated you well!
ReplyDeleteThe things I don't like about California politics and the high cost of living have helped to keep me away for awhile. But the pull is still there, stronger than ever. And I know now that if I try it and it doesn't work out I can always move on!
Deleteabsolutely...I had a lot of rules that made no sense for me or my life...you don't owe anyone an explanation...go with it. I have decided to be conciously happy. it feels good.
ReplyDeleteJust doing what makes me happy does sometimes feel foreign to me, but I am learning to love it!
Delete(((CLAPS HANDS)))))
ReplyDeleteI
do
not
QUESTION :)