Wednesday, April 10, 2013

My Heart Hurts

"Heart Sinking Into Sea" by Stuart Miles, found at

One week from today my sister will be sentenced for her crimes.
I'm not sure if I'm more sad that my sister still somehow believes that she is going to outsmart the system- she has now sent out letters to family and friends declaring that she will soon be out of jail- or if I am more heart heavy over the fact that I hope there is absolutely no chance that she is right.

I spoke with a client yesterday that just knew that I was kind of in a funk, even though most things in my life have been better than ever as of lately.  I appreciated that she let me just talk about how I feel.  It felt good to be listened to and acknowledged.
It helps to know that it really is OK to wish for understanding even from people you will never get it from.

It's OK to wish and then to let it go.  Which is a whole lot better than what I want to do sometimes.

Although I hate to admit it, sometimes I just want to be angry and scream at my sister and ask her what she thinks it feels like for me to have my only sibling be living the life that she does...

At the same time, it absolutely feels selfish to taint my own good life direction with these rotten feelings and yet- I am human.  I can't help but care about what happens to my sister, even though she doesn't seem to have a very good plan for herself.  It's OK to know that her path in life is not going to be what I want for her.  It's OK to keep a little bit of hope and still face the reality that what I hope for is not a very likely outcome.

Over the past 8 months, waiting for my sister's case to be concluded, the song below has been a source of strength for me.  Yes it's actually a break up song, but some of the lyrics are so hauntingly appropriate for my situation.

What gives you strength when things get ugly?  What's the best outcome that you've ever seen from the worst situation?  How do you personally learn to accept things that seem completely unacceptable?


  1. I think one of the hardest things to do when it comes to those we love is to accept that we have absolutely no control over what they do and to let it go.

    It is SO HARD. It's so hard to reach a place where we let go (as much as we can), pray, and realize that they will have to find their own way, and we just hope it will lead them somewhere positive in the end.

    I don't have any suggestions on how to accept these things, just that I think learning to do so - the process of it - is part of our journey as well.

    Hoping things work out for the best for your sister (and you)!

  2. I suppose the thing that gives me strength when it all looks terrible is that I know it can all change again. Nothing happens without a reason. Anything that is happening is happening so that I can learn from it, grow from it, take something away from it. You and I know that we have learned from all the bad things that have happened to us in our lives. Ergo, those things occurred for a reason. Like the song says, they made us stronger.

  3. The best thing I have seen come from a terrible situation is when I found out my brother had HIV...and I couldn't understand at all how his life was so bad and then this happened...alot of those things were choices..but some were inflicted on him. I thought "How is this fair"..."How can any good come of this'. Well, years later...he's still here, his relationship has been restored with my mother and the rest of the family..not completely but better than it had been and he stopped using drugs. Is it perfect? No. But it's better than it was. Wait on God. Give it time.

  4. Jasmine: It Is okay. Many of us have faced the same ugly situation. For some, it is faith that gets them through. For others, it is friendship or family support. For me, it is "chi." Any way you slice it, "how" you deal with it is always up to you. I think you have done quite well, in fact, better than most. I agree with Jodi, Robin, and Christine.

  5. I'm sorry you're hurting. For me, the only thing that helps me get through tough situations in my life, is my faith in God and my family and close friends. But mostly, my faith. -Love and light to you!

  6. Jasmine
    I realize that karma seems to be a belief system and not all people believe in it. We talk about it but there is no scientific proof that there is such a thing as karma. But, that has always been my salvation in a negative situation. I believe people know what path they are to follow when they incarnate. It isn't always the path of good because there may be a lesson in the negative this time.

    Sorry I haven't been to your blog lately but I get so far behind during this A-Z challenge

    Take care of yourself.


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