In The Dark, But Not Afraid

Not knowing is often the worst part of anything in life.  You feel like if you just knew something, anything, you could handle that and move on.  But then you get real with yourself and accept that what you really want is a certain answer, not just any answer.

So right now I am willing to wait, with the hope that a little more waiting will result in the answer that I am truly waiting and hoping for!  No need to rush this process as that means that there is still a process goin' on and that's good for the moment...

Meanwhile, I've been enjoying a bit of exploring my relatively new self.  Yes, the me that is about 50 lbs. (-O.K. 48 to be exact)  lighter than the old me of the past 15 years or so.  This has been as of January of this year.

I kept meaning to say something here on this blog, but the timing was never just right.  I would get these 'epic' posts all ready in my head and then just "meh"- it didn't work for me.  Certainly weight loss has been a part of my journey in getting ready for my next step in this life- be it moving to Texas or otherwise, but really it has only been one part of what is a very real transformative mode that I have been in for the last year and half or so.

So yes, there has been serious weight loss involved and yes, it has been eye-opening and a truly enlightening experience.  But for me, it has been almost an afterthought in the realm of what has been going on in my life.  So I guess I have felt like my input into the weight loss blog world has been unneeded.  I have benefited immensely from those who I consider the true weight loss bloggers of note- people like Christine over at 'A Deliberate Life' and Loretta whose blog is 'Loretta's Journey from 460 to 199... One Good Choice At A Time'.  My experience has been one of seeing how what I allow into my life in the form of stress is very indicative of how much I weigh.  And how sometimes the choices of what and who to let go of never being able to "fix" can be quite overwhelming.  But really the moment I noticed that I was no longer carrying around a large bag of Costco dog food finally seemed to get the message into my head.  I am now officially 5 lbs. overweight and I am pretty darned good with that!

So on that note, I have been exploring what it is to be in this different body.  And as good as it is, there are some things that are different in a bit of a negative way.  One of those things seems to be strength for me.  I have realized that I did rely on 'muscling' my way through many of my daily activities.  I guess I sort of 'threw my weight' around so to speak. 

I have noticed how much more effort goes into simple things.  Things like digging a hole with a shovel, or lifting heavy furniture is just not as natural as it once was for me.  I liked being super strong and it had become part of who I am.  Now I notice I can still do things.  I just have to do them differently, more carefully. 

Some of those things are really important to me.  Things like being able to shoot a pistol with laser-like accuracy.  So, last night I spent a little time with my favorite instructor down at the gun range.  I had been showing up to practice and just getting annoyed with the fact that things were not as accurate as they had always been.  Last night I was ready to do something about it.  I finally summoned up the courage to admit that things had changed and that I was ready to do something to fix it.

After only about 15 minutes with the instructor, I was able to pinpoint the problems and see that I had been a bit lazy before and relying on my muscles and not on the kick-ass stance that I am capable of.  Let's just say that I am thrilled with my ability to still work a target down to a 4 inch perimeter.  And I never did actually lose the ability to rapid fire hit six different targets in a row. 

I do love being a strong and healthy woman.  And this past year or so has been all about improving that for me.  Even down to improving my ability to deal with the unknown, something I have never ever been all that comfortable with.  So I thank everyone for their thoughts for my husband & I and I'll let you know what is up just as soon as I know!